Changing a Life. Part Two.

A lots happened in the past few months. I've already been through my first med change. The Zoloft began to wear off, so why continue taking something if it's not doing a damn thing. So immediately I was switched to Prozac with a Xanax chaser. With my increasing panic attacks I decided that it didn't sound like a bad idea. It didn't take long for me to find out this med switch was gonna be difficult. It was miserable. By this time I had finally given into counseling due to a mother induced intervention and an appointment set in the books with my name on it. And lucky me I got to have my first session right as it felt like my mind had fallen to shit, confused and cluttered with chemicals, drugs, alcohol. I was at an end. Counseling is not easy. I'm not the type of person who just opens up. It's difficult, but sometimes relieving.
Thankfully I found out that the Xanax makes me want to kill myself when I'm coming down from it. Haven't really touched that bottle since I figured that out.
Really the best thing to calm me down is weed, so fuck the doctors that are trying to keep me from getting my med card. (think of your patients for just a minute).
But one of the Techniques my counselor is making me try is that lovely "count to ten" method. It does work, i tried it, and as i was going into a panic attack, I found out I couldn't count, it always made me get side tracked and the deal of the game was to not be thinking of anything at all. I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that I never made it past 6 when I counted.
What really did helped me though was just telling myself to breath, no counting, no thinking, just breathing. It helped my mind get sidetracked, my heart rate slowed and I finally calmed  the fuck down, because we all know how hard that is for me.
I am glad that the Prozac has set in it seems to be doing okay now. I'm sure I'll get a dose upgrade soon so hopefully I don't flat line with it like the Zoloft. My counselor seems impressed with my change in composure in these past few weeks. I have warned her though that some days as good as I'm up, the harder I can fall. I guess this is was makes me feel so insane some days. I just would like some sort of stability in life, but it never seems like we'll have that comfort.
But I also love the spontaneity of life someday's. Though I might not always have the money, friends or support I need at the time, I know I could always uproot somewhere and work things out as they go.
As long as life is an experience.
 I'm tired of this average Jane stuff and everyone trying to be this perfect picture image. List all the things in a perfect image life, a family, kids, career, home. That's not a necessity for me. If it happens, then hell yeah, you know. But if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't. I just hope I have the drive to keep chasing the things I love. But I trust my passion. I've never really been the 'sell out' type of person. I know I can design and I believe I can go far. Never stop dreaming, and never believe your dream is unreachable. If you truly dream of a brighter future, you are the sun that will make it happen.
You must make it happen.