The Day I Thought I Lost You

It had been so long since we last talked.
Years.
But you were important to me just like I know I'm still important to you.
Since the summer of 2008 things have changed so much. I feel like you wouldn't even recognize the person I am today but I know the bond we had was strong. You were the only person I could relate to on so many levels. I do miss you, you know.
I remember nights of us endlessly playing music, talking, and laughing. Memories that I try to hold vivid in my mind but nothing blurred them like the day I got your text. I was sitting in my dorm TV room, and I swear you could see the color drain from my face.
"I love you. Goodbye."
I tried to keep my composure in front of my friends as I got up and left the room. Once the door shut behind me it only took seconds to hit. I called.
Called again.
and again.
I could tell you were sending me to voicemail but it didn't stop me from repeatedly calling.
and calling
and calling
I paced up and down the hall until I heard someone coming so I headed for my room, but that still left me face to face with one of my friends until I got there. She knew something was wrong but I kept walking.  With the slam of my giant blue door, there also came my break down as I slid down the door and fell onto the cold tile. The room was filled with darkness just like I felt the darkness taking over me. I kept calling.
and calling
and calling
I left messages, texts, everything. I had no idea what to do, I didn't even know where you were. It scared me out of my life and the fact that I know you would have done it if you gave yourself a reason to. I needed to get out so I ran from the dorms, found a spot in the woods, and called again.
and again
and again
I could tell your ring back was getting longer and longer, it scared me. Maybe you were drifting away slowly. I wanted to be there. To hold you. To help you. To tell you everything was okay.
I wasn't there for you.
It took me almost losing you to remember that I needed you so much. I NEVER meant to leave you out like I did. I NEVER meant for you to feel alone. I NEVER meant for you to feel like this.
I almost lost you that day. I almost lost myself.

I've destroyed my mind.
I hear people constantly saying "you only live once" and it scares me now that I'm living it, with this.
My one shot. One life. This.
I didn't mean for this to happen but years of constant abuse took it away from me. I messed up.
I can't get too mad, I was only a kid. But it's hard for me to not loose it every time I forget the littlest things. It's just like they were gone from my memory. I can laugh it off each and every time. But the truth is, it scares me.
Another day lost because I have no sense of time. Another odd question because I've forgotten where we're going. Another lap around the parking lot because I have no clue where I parked. Another opened beer because I had forgotten I just opened one. Another spilled glass of water because I had forgotten there was a glass there. But it's no use crying over spilled water. 
Never let bad tendencies take over just because you need relief from the world. In the end it might just take over.
I feel ruined.
It's my fault.