It's weird how fast things can change.
In the past couple years I feel like I've gone from not knowing what love is, to not being able to get it off my mind.
And I'm not talking about that 'I love my friends, my family and the world' type of love.
I'm talking about that 'I don't think I know how to breathe without you' type of love.
And for some reason, I think I fear it.
Fear that I truly can't breathe without you.
But why worry when good things never happen.
Because who could love me.

I Just Want To Feel Okay

February 27th, 2008
"Okay , I have finally accepted that my life is an official train wreck. Everything this year is just piling on, one thing right after another and it's just to much. My scatter thought brain and sleepless nights are finally taken their toll, and each and everyday feels as if its longer. I cant even think of the words to say to get this off my chest. It's just to complicated. I cant wait until this awful endless winter is gone and i can sit outside with my guitar and see the stars and finally get the words i need to say to tell the people i care about, i love them. Friends are becoming scarce at school and my two bestest friends are leaving and that will be an endless depression until things are right again. When that will happen, I dont know . 
But things really never have been right so I dont expect anything to come"


I've been thinking about this old blog post a bit. I remember this time in my life. It really did feel endless. Some statements in this really break down some feelings for me. When I said that my friends leaving will be my endless depression. It's crazy how things like that stick. How is it that I can't keep you guys off my mind. It's been four years since we've been together and I miss you both. It just feels like you both completely left me out of your lives. Yeah, you left, I could deal with that. But going years at a time without you trying to contact me at all, killed me on the inside. It's in past tense for a reason. I'm over it. It's horrible to think that it's been so long that I had no choice but to move on. Then maybe one day if you remember who I am you'll say hello. Maybe remember those times we shared. The times when we felt invincible to the world because we didn't know what the world had to offer. My invincibility is gone, but I hope you kept yours. Then hopefully one day we can all remember what it's like to be together again. Maybe I'll remember why my hearts been holding on for so long. Far past exhausted, I had seemed to forgotten. 

I just want to write.

It's been a while since I've actually posted something on here. It's not that I'm not writing, believe me there are a lot more drafts on here than actual posts. I just can't seem to finish what I'm writing.

Black and Mild heart to hearts are pretty much my favorite.
Me and my friend Shane have them quite a bit. Our last one still kinda leaves me hanging.
I need to establish myself.
I'm a good artist I just need to finally get things rolling and do things. Get more of my art out there for people to see. I'm just not sure how to go about it.
Hopefully I will find a way.

LMC

It's hard to think back to those days.
Those days when I thought I would never stop crying.
I guess I never really have stopped.

Thinking back to those days that linger in my mind like a nightmare.
Two years ago I lost my first close friend.
And images that I have never seen before still burn in my eyes.

It's not like this was my first funeral.
I've seen many family members waste away from age or illness.
Sometimes it seems that death is the best way.
Not this time.

This was not like any other visitation I had been to.
Instead of acceptance and grief, anger and disbelief fell over a room full of questions.
No words had to be said. As I stood in a group of my friends that filled half of the room.
We stood silent. Someone else walks in and the circle breaks up into an explosion of hugs and tears.

I remember your mother.
I didn't know who she was at the time but it didn't take me long to figure out as she fell to the ground in front of your casket.
People scattered around to help as someone brought a chair to sit her on.
For the rest of the night she sat there holding your hand as if she would never let go.
A sight so hard to watch. As if you just heard the cracking of her broken heart echo throughout the room.

I remember Kyle walking back into the room after he disappeared.
I'm so glad you brought him to us. A great addition to our crazy camp family.
He was holding his hand. In an emotionless frozen stance just staring.
As if the pain from the brick wall and broken heart could never hurt as much as seeing you like that.

Rows of our camp family sit to say goodbye. People line the room, shoulder to shoulder.
Guess I never really stopped crying.

L.M.C.

Maybe I Need You

Deep Woods, Deep Thought

For the first time this semester I finally found a chance to get away. Walking along muddy banks. Standing there as the world rushes around me but I stand frozen. I forgot why I came here.
I came here to get away.
For the first couple years at northern I would be so happy to be where I was that I would go hike after classes. Go exploring to set my mind free. There's something about it up here, I just love it.
Now that my classes are harder and longer I barley have time to just get away. Even on this little hike I felt like I banished some of my metal barriers and have a new portfolio idea I'm working on.
Sometimes all it takes is getting away.
Even if others don't know where you are.
Even if you don't know where you are.
Just getting away.

New Blog

I'm not gonna abandon this blog but I am also starting a new one. This one is dedicated to the things that make me happy, no shame in it. This will still remain as my main blog but I think this new blog will set a new tone and hey, maybe there will be a post about you. But it's all More Than A Journey.

The Things That Make Me Happy

Up, Up, Up, And Away

I never thought this would be easy. Ever since the very second I found out, my heart lies a little heavier. My minds even more prone to wander. I can go from perfectly fine to not okay in seconds.
Once again I can't even find the words to explain how much I miss you Aaron. I knew this day was coming I just never thought I would be ready for it. One year ago. It's been over a year since I last saw you. I can feel the warm summer memories of 2010 replaying in my head but then quickly it's disrupted by images of pain and loss. People stare, I quickly look away as I started to tear up in class. I can't get you out of my head. My mind has been preparing myself for this. All week has been full of dreams of you. I guess it's better having unconscious encounters then nothing at all. But I still find myself waking up in a crying mess.
I would give anything to go back one year ago just to call you. Just to hear your voice one last time. I would do anything. Maybe it would have changed what had happened. Maybe it wouldn't, but I just wish that I had tried.
I remember standing in that very spot where you took your last breaths. I was more comforted than I thought I would be because lets be honest there should be nothing comforting about that. The stars were so bright it was as if they were reaching out to us. A cosmic embrace as if you set every star perfectly in place. Your voice softly carried with the wind as my own breath cuts through the cold night air. Am I dreaming. I've had many dreams about this night. This spot. You.
Were you scared?
And on that night when we started to leave, I looked back. In the depth of the night I saw a light. What It was coming from, I don't know, but it made me smile.

This holiday which is usually full of fun and laughter, friends and candy, is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Last year I tried to have fun and keep a smile on my face but I was more so taken down by my stupid decision to stay in Marquette for Halloween weekend. I should have left that very second Sarah called me. I should have got in my car and left.
But I was scared. I should have been there for my friends but I was afraid of seeing them like this. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want them seeing me like this either. But I made a stupid decision and left on the day of your visitation.
It was Halloween and I was looking at the scariest thing in a casket that I ever have. My friend.

Just as I begin to cry I reached for my old journal, and there it was, The entry I made a day after I found out you were gone. It goes like this:

October 29th, 2010:
"Yesterday I found out you were gone. You seized to exist. "He is" has now become "he was". Gone.
It's still hard for me to find the words to say. But one thing I know is that I love you. I wish there was something that I could have done. So many questions are being asked and no one seems to have the answers....
Do you remember when me you and Sarah laid on the hood of her car as we watched the stars. They were amazing that night.  Now, you are apart of those stars and I will never look up at them and not think of you. I can't wait for the first clear night up here, shine your brightest because I'll be looking. I miss you Aaron....
I can't say this has really hit me, but I'm sure once I get into my car and drive, each mile I get closer to you will get harder. Eventually reality will sneak up on me. Then when I come to that room where everyone is standing there except you. I will know....
I can't explain the feeling I have. It's just numb. Sometimes I even feel sick. It's like my body knows something is wrong but my mind is unable to accept it. I wish this were a dream. I wish you were here...
November 1st, 2010:
Today we said goodbye. It was so hard Aaron. But even after all of this it doesn't seem real. I've held all my friends and cried, I've talked to your parents, I touched your guitar for the last time, I sat through your funeral,  I laid my hand upon the very casket that you still rest in, I stood in the spot where you last stood on this Earth. Why doesn't this seem real?
That boy does not deserve to be in that box.

I named my guitar after you. No wonder why it took me years to name him, I was just looking for the perfect one. He's been sitting in the corner collecting dust lately. I haven't the heart to play. Help me get my heart back Aaron. Help me write the songs that you never got to write. Guide my hards to hit the right notes and my voice to say the right words....
I miss you Aaron."

Help me through this. I can't handle this.

PostSecret

I Hate How I Need You

Forgiven

Maybe it's because I've grown up. Maybe it's because I feel like I barley know you anymore but the years have flown by and I think I'm ready to say it.
Reading my blog entries of you leaving brought back so many different feelings, some still make me tear up.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
I've seen you once in the past four years and I let my feelings overtake me rather than actually seeing how you were. I turned and walked away when I should have given you a hug.
I'm sorry but it was just too hard. If only you knew how hard. I couldn't even talk for an hour or two after we ran into each other. People kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even respond.
You were my best friend.
It's hard to see posts like this. We used to be so close.

July 6th 2008: Who Are You
"Who are you to be judging me. You're the one who left. You're the one who brought my entire family to a screeching hault. You interupted me at work and left me "emotionally incapable". You're the one that left my mom screaming in painfull tears and cries on the ground and then almost breaks her leg against the couch. You're away in your little "safety" zone while all fuckin hell breaks loose here. And even though you hurt my family so bad when they were offering help, I still love you, I want to see you happy, I want to finally see you change back, you're different and i dont like it. You care too much about what people think about you, just be yourself, and come home."


I still love you. 

I've lost all faith in humanity.

I will never understand this world.
A world in which innocent people get hurt everyday just because someone wants to get paid.
I will never understand this world.
Were simple useless possessions have greater importance to someone than human life.
It's people like you who make me lose all hope in humanity.
You make me sick to my stomach.
You hurt my friend and I am not okay with it.
It wasn't enough that you were stealing all her shit, and when she came home early you didn't know what to do.
So you beat the shit out of her.
You couldn't just run like the real coward you are.
And trust me I'm not the only one who has lost all hope in humanity.
Her friends. Her family. How do you think they feel?
All because of you.
I hope you realize one day what you did.
And maybe, one day you'll actually apologize to the girl whos fractured skull still remains intact enough to be alive. Thankfully you didn't kill her.
When did money become more important then life?
A long time ago my friend. A long time.
Recover fast Anna. I know you'll get through this.

High School Drama

I'm going to start referencing some blog entries from my high school blog. I was going through some hard times and rereading them really makes me want to write about them again.

February 24th, 2009
"It's that time year again. It's been so long since i've been able to sit out and watch the stars. I long for those summer days where i can sit outside with my friends next to a camp fire until the sun rises. Latley I've been sitting outside on the roof with an empty spot beside me and i cant stop thinking. Will i ever find that friend. Sure i have friends but i need a friend i can trust, a friend that i can talk seriously with, a friend that wont leave me like i'm nothing. I had this feeling before about many of my friends but I was tired of getting left behind. To many times in my life I have had someone I would trust with my life leave me like theres no reason for it, and i'm sick of it. Look at this. Look at what your doing. You chose the feelings you got by the actions you took. You and You alone are responsible. I was forced to feel the way I feel. Your the reason I hurt. You forced me to realize
I always end up alone"


Sometimes I feel like this but I have many friends that mean the world to me. I love every single one of them and they can always put a smile on my face. 
Friends. You mean the world to me.

Premonition, Coinicdence or Love

Day : February 2nd, 2011

I didn't sleep. 

Not so much not being able to sleep but I pulled an all nighter to keep up with my studies.   This is considered normal for me, even somewhat routine. It's usually around 6:30 am when we all get a little restless and begin to get ready for breakfast at 7. Yes, whats an all nighter without friends. I wasn't the only one staying up. 

Now heres when the day started to get odd. 

We all get back from breakfast and split up into our separate dorm rooms so we could at least get an hour or two of sleep before our morning classes. Right as I shut the door my phone began to ring. Odd, I'm not used to getting 8am phone calls. I looked and it was my grandma, so naturally I think something has gone wrong for her to call me this early. She knows my usual sleeping schedule. 

I could hear concern in her voice as she kept asking me if I was okay when I answered. I ensured her I was fine and we continued with a normal conversation. After a while she then again asked me if I was sure I was okay and thats when I asked her what was up. She told me she was awoken by a dream she had. It seemed as if it were real to her. She woke up to me standing by the side of her bed. White in the face. Somewhat death like. Describing to me the exact hat I was wearing. I was unresponsive and then she woke up. 

I didn't really know how to take the dream. At the time I just thought it was really creepy. Finally I told her once again that I was fine and nothing was going to happen to me, then we said our goodbyes. I was gonna try to get some sleep before my first class but just for fun I went online and googled an interpretation of my grandmas dream. Thats when I started to feel a little unsettled. I'm not saying I completely believe in dream predictions but it's a little unsettling when it says death. I tried to lay on the couch and rest after but I was pretty much awake. Soon enough time came around and I had to start leaving for my class. I walked as usual with just a little more worry in my mind. It's not like I thought something was gonna happen but I just couldn't shake this feeling. Just in time too. As I walked along side the art building I cross paths with two teacher yelling at me to get back home as quickly as possible. My heart stopped. That was the longest walk back to the dorms of my life. Even though I was practically running at this point. I had no clue what was going on but I felt as if I could barley breath. Shaken from the core. I wasn't the only person on the way to class as I run into herds of students heading back to their dorms. Cars flooded the streets. It only took minuets to empty campus from it's normal hectic days. 

I walk into my room and sit there. Red screens flood the computers. Messages flow on the bottoms of television screens. My roommate still lay there sleeping. Soon enough she woke up to me locking all the doors and shutting the blinds. She mumbled morning distress then I told her classes were canceled in a shaky voice. She went from barley awake to "I'm up" in seconds. Then she asked why I looked so white. Now I was a little scared. 

Nothing ended up happening that day but it still makes me wonder what if something had. Apparently someone had anonymously posted a blog saying they were gonna shoot up campus. As soon as the university found out the campus went on lockdown.
But what if they never found out. What if there was a shooter.
Maybe someones concerns about a blog saved my life.
Who knows.
I tried to make the best of the situation, we even made a huge fort in my room. It helped me get my grandmas dream off my mind.
Even though nothing happened it still makes me think. 

Maybe Someday

You were in my dreams last night. As if my everyday thought isn't already enough, my nights are also consumed of you.
I remember the day I gave you the address to this site. I made it seem as though I had forgotten what it was, while I quickly went and deleted something I had written about you.
I wish I had at least saved it somewhere. But now it's gone.

It was about that one night on the beach. We were all at Little Presque hoping for the northern lights.
They never showed, but the night sky alone did us justice.
For a second you laid your head on my shoulder.

If only you knew how easy it is for you to put a smile on my face.

I remember this dream I had of you this summer.
You told me you didn't want to talk to me anymore.
I was confused. All I wanted to do was talk.
I woke up crying. I actually woke up crying.

This one time you asked me a question.
You asked why I liked you.
I couldn't explain. I'd like to say I'm getting better at it.
I love the way you walk.
I love the way you talk.
I love the way you look at me when you laugh.
I love the way you move your arms.
I love your eyes.
Curly or straight hair.
With or without makeup.
Good or bad day.

I love everything about you.

You won my heart. Since the first day and the note.
When I said it was yours I wasn't lying.
Whether you wanted it or not.
And my heart is no normal prize to be won, you see
It holds and enormous amount of love. Enough love for the entire world but I rather give it to you.
So much that I've left none for myself.
Maybe if I had been confident.
Maybe if I had been more brave.
Things would be different.

But I am kept silent. There is no need for me to disrupt something that would lead you to someone better.
But to you, it will be as if nothing changed. And me, I'll just keep saying what you said.
Maybe Someday.

Proving Myself

So, I've noticed that all my conversations with friends are usually started by me. In short I've decided that for the next couple days not to text/message/call anyone unless they take time to contact me. Will anyone even notice is my question. I guess I just want to see how this goes. Maybe I'm proving myself right. Maybe I'm proving myself wrong.

And this explains my life.

Faith in my Faithlessness

I was raised in a christian home.
I spent most my life waking up early on a Sunday morning, sitting on a cold church pew as a preacher spoke at me. Saying whats right and whats wrong. Singing songs praising this figure they call their God.
I'm not trying to bash on religious people. I in fact hold them in great esteem, you see, at least they have something to believe in.
Something that gives them hope.
Though I spent many years being brought up in such an influential environment, christianity never really stuck with me. It could be the rebellious part of being a kid. I mean who wants to be told how to live their life when your still figuring out what life is.
My entire life I've been told stories of how God has changed someones life. And that second they laid down their heart to him it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders. I guess this is one spot where I've always gotten lost. I've tried to live up to my family's good christian name. Back then my mother was known for having very strong faith. I gave it my all and I gave him my heart.
But I felt nothing.
I was at an end. I fell to my knees and asked for help but instead of feeling forgiveness I felt like trash that had been tossed out and left to whatever my fate was besides heaven.
Such thing happened several times before I started to question what I was doing with my life.
Do I believe in God?
I honestly don't know. But if God knows my plan for me then he probably knows that I'll screw up. Thats why he didn't give me a chance. Maybe God knows that it's not even worth giving me a shot of forgiveness because it will just lead to more sin and poor life choices. Wouldn't surprise me.
But I couldn't lie when I say that christianity has shaped my life in small ways. Sure I may not choose to believe in anything right now but I do have a statement.
I am a good person.
If thats not good enough then send me to hell.

A fate in which the world may never understand.

Another one taken.
Yeah, I say taken when in fact it was a choice.
Another one gone.
Yeah, gone, even though your true light stays within.
One by one I count as I see another teen leave this earth.
I can't imagine your family, your sisters. What they feel. If they feel anything at all.
Your friends. My friends.
It hurts me to see them go through this, again.
And you.
I wish there was something we could have done.
Nobody deserves a fate like this.
To feel so hopeless.
So rundown.
Thinking nobody understands and nobody ever will.

I don't want to sound like an ass. But I understand.
A common ground is found and I understand.
I wish something could be done. I know sometimes it feels like this pain will never end. You feel trapped, betrayed but someday things will finally seem worth it. It just takes getting over the mountain to see that.
Someone always cares.
I'm sorry Blair. I truly am

Rest Peacefully Blair.

You Be The Anchor

I feel like no matter how many times I listen to this song I will never get tired of it. All summer I played it over and over. It really reminds me of summer 2011. Love this song.

The Long Walk

So I was walking home last night. I was so overwhelmed with things. I got hit by one of the worst feelings. It came fast. I needed to go.
It didn't take long for me to start crying. Weakness. Gotta love it.
I felt as if it was not worth it. Staying here. Anywhere.
Everywhere I go I feel the same. No matter how amazing it is. No matter how amazing my friends are.
I end up the same.
I'm not meant for this.
Give me a fucking break.
Why me.
And when things started to turn for the worst. I looked to my right and I could see you there.
Aaron I've never needed you more in my life and you were there. I could feel your arm on my shoulder.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. You prevented the inevitable. And when I told myself  "No, this must be a dream." I looked up and saw a star shoot across the sky.
I miss you.

I don't know what to think. What to feel.

Fuck this rut.
I thought it would be easier.

It's not easy.
Why can't I stop.
Why did I start again. 
I can't handle this.
I've heard the phrase "you're strong" and friends have even said that they think I'm one of the strongest people they know. It happened even last night.
Don't make me laugh.
I'm not sure how that makes me feel. It makes me wonder if they're wondering why the hell I'm still here. I should have been gone a long time ago. 
Then that makes me wonder why I'm still holding on.
Can I take this much longer?
Fuck being strong. I'm weak.
So weak. 
Am I meant to hold on at all.
It's useless.
Maybe I'm just here to teach people a lesson in the end.
Because one day. This will come to an end.

Blank Stares

Sometimes I stare into space.

I do it a lot actually.

I don't really think when I do it. I'm more so replaying something in my head.

It could be anything. A simple memory. Something I miss. Or someone.

It happens a lot.

These blank stares.

Turning a new leaf, Taking the first step, Whatever you wanna call it...

So i'm in this rut.
And I want to get out of this rut.
So I am.
There are too many times I sit there letting my mind become to overwhelmed with emotions.
""Your not good enough.""
""Why don't you stop fucking up.""
""Who could love you.""
I need to stop getting wrapped up in the down side so easily and let life live.
The best way to get better is to just keep it positive and dream like it wasn't a dream at all.
But a reality.
I need that reality.

Mentally Stable

This is something that has been on my mind for a while. Am I mentally stable?

This subject arose while talking to on of my mentee's this summer. Of course the subject itself did not come up about me. That is not something I would talk about so much with a young high schooler. But the subject is always there if he ever wanted to talk.

But the gist of the conversation started about another boy who was just starting out this year working at camp. I talk to him frequently. He always asks for help and advise about his depression and cutting. I was always there to help as much as I could and was very aware of everything. 

Talking to this other young staff member ,who was friends with the kid, lead to him worrying about if his friend was mentally stable enough to handle a cabin of children. But I entrusted to him that I thought he was ready and could handle anything.  And he was. 

But with me remains the thought. Am I mentally stable enough to do what I do?....If my boss knew how things were would she even have hired me?.... If she found this page would I ever be hired back?

Am I mentally stable enough to work with children? Maybe working with kids is what keeps me stable. It makes me happy. Seeing them play, learn, grow. I train teenagers how to be leaders. I lead a leadership staff and a summer camp. If a 16 year old kid is worried about his friends mental capabilities of taking over a cabin, how much trust would I lose if he knew his supervisor was just as unstable if not worse.
Who would I lose?

Confessions

Forgetting What Brought Me Here

I remember those days when I was entertained for hours, just by keeping my eye behind the lens. Nothing else mattered. I just wanted to get home from school and mess around with my camera for hours on end. Once school was out till my mom forced me to go to my room at night. Which I still ended up taking pictures. It was new to me and I loved it. I never really had art in high school, ever. Which is funny because now I'm an Art major. Thats how much I loved it. I'll never forget those days where photography was a passion that kept me going. It's not like it's completely gone but until I get a working camera it kind of is.
 I miss it so much.

My Portfolios
http://www.photosig.com/go/users/view?id=310420

Without You I Am Miserable At Best

Déjà vu uv àjéD

So I see this happening again.
I have really good friends.
But all of them have other really good friends.
When the tables turn.
I get left behind.
Happened in high school.
Guess it's just history repeating itself.
Please.
Not again.

September 5th, 2011

I almost did it. I almost deleted every friend under the age of 16 from my facebook page. Sounds stupid, I know. But I can’t have them looking up to someone like me. They ask me for advice. Talk to me. Ask for help. Everything I've always wanted to be for the younger generation. 

A Role Model. 

Those kids deserve better. And maybe if I removed them they could start forgetting that one person they might have looked up to.

There's nothing here you want to look up to.

Nothing.

It's so easy to give advice once you've been through certain things. Having little kids come to me with there problems at school with bullying and depression, love and loss. I've never found it hard to give them straight answers. A few have even come to me about cutting and suicide. It's all very unsettling, but I try my best to help them. They deserve so much more. Someone to show them whats right. Someone real.

Hypocrisy. My friend. Is me.

To The Home I Love

For nine years I've had the privilege of waking up to a beautiful sunrise over Corey Lake. I can't explain how much I love this place and the people there. Now this may sound funny, it's just a summer camp. How have I developed a connection like this?
For the past nine years Camp Wakeshma has been my escape.
Whether it was one week as a camper or an entire summer as a staff member each year has surpassed the last. It's hard to think that it could get better but somehow it always does. But each summer is irreplaceable in my heart. This place keeps me going.
I owe my life to this place.
Again I was that awkward kid who didn't have many friends. Camp Wakeshma was one of the first places I was offered acceptance. People didn't care what clique you were in or how you dressed. All we cared about was how much free time was left and if we could pass notes during rest period. As a young kid it was good to finally feel like I belonged. Then once I became a staff member I felt as if everything clicked. I finally made a good choice. I'm glad my boss has more confidence in me than I do. I would have never seen myself in this position five years ago. I probably would have laughed if someone said I was the future program director. I know this has to sound cheesy and cliché but for a severely depressed teenager a place like this can really form and shape your life. My life would be drastically different if I never stepped foot at Wakeshma. I wouldn't have many friends. I wouldn't be studying at Northern right now, I honestly probably wouldn't even be in college at all. In all honesty I don't think I would even be here. As scary as that sounds it's the truth.
I owe my life to this place.
I owe Camp Wakeshma for making me who I am.
The memories I have are endless.
The kids always put a smile on my face.
And the friends I have are forever. Family.

I will never forget this place.

Rants and Rambles

I will never subject love to whether you are a guy or a girl.

If there’s something there, then it’s because of you and only you.

Sure some attractions may be stronger than others.
But I'm not jumping to conclusions.

We're not here to just be with someone.

We're here to find that someone.

So make every move count.
Have every smile last.
Make each other laugh.
Forgive.

Have This Heart To Break

I can't stop listening to this song.

Paralyzing Fear

I'm always afraid of losing you.
If your one of my friends than yes, I'm talking about you.
No matter how close you think we are or whether we've drifted apart. I'm afraid.
Saying goodbye to my friends, my family, at camp this year has been one of the hardest things I've done for a while. For the past two years during this time I've said goodbye to someone for the last time. And it scares me. Every second of everyday.

A Year Of Strength VS. A Moment Of Weakness

My hands won't stop shaking. I haven't even been in Marquette for a week. Why does this have to happen right now. 

I'm nothing. 

Never will be. 

Useless. 

I feel unattached. 

I screwed up. Again. 

It's been one year since I made the decision to quit cutting. One of the hardest things I've ever done. It scared me. It was my safety net. At least if I was cutting it would take the thoughts of anything worse out of my head. Can I say I'm proud of what I've done. No. Sure it's been a year but I've had moments of weakness. I've screwed up. 

But I still say I'm recovering. If I didn't, what would I call myself...............a failure, 

Wouldn't surprise me. 

Again. 

What Am I Afraid Of

I keep finding it harder and harder to write in this.

It used to be a more private vent session but now I’ve told some friends and their venturing on here and it’s making me hold back.

So what if a few strangers happen to stumble upon my thoughts. Not like I care. I don’t get why peer pressure gets me like this. I guess it’s because I hate to show weakness, but sometimes I just have to get it out on here. No more holding back,

What am I afraid of?

The Little Boy Who Said He "Can't"

Working at a summer camp gives me opportunities to grow each and everyday. We just ended our third session this Friday and one instance this week has followed me. At the beginning of this week I've noticed this little boy, his name was Kyle. One of the things he was most excited for was jumping off the high dive. I heard about a couple times where he climbed up, but each time he tried he became very freighted, but eventually would jump off. Soon enough the life guarding staff had to banish him from ever jumping off the high dive. Then it was the last full day of camp and as the rest of the campers headed to their cabins for rest period I noticed two staff members comforting a little boy standing on the high dive. He had received 5 letters at lunch which meant he had to jump off in his clothes. Well, not knowing that the little boy had received five letters the life guarding staff had not noticed when Kyle made his way up to the top. But by the time they realized it was him, it was too late and we had a terrified crying 9 year old boy back up on the high dive. I made my way over there to help out. Though being banned from the high dive Kyle made his way up it once again to not be made fun of by his friends.
After minuets of encouraging staff members yelling "You can do it!" , little kyle still refused to jump from the high dive. He sat there crying, yelling "I can't I can't I can't I can't" over and over. We couldn't get him to stop saying it no matter how hard we tried. So after a good 45 minuets, our very intimidating waterfront director finally got little Kyle to jump off.
I guess what I took from this is the fact that when it comes to myself I still the phrase "I Can't" shouldn't be an option. I need to step out of my boundaries and prove to myself that I can. It's surprising how much you can learn from a nine year old and he doesn't even know it. As I helped him get his bags in the car at the end of the week I asked him what his favorite part of camp was, and of course he said the high dive. :)

Facing Facts

It's been so long since I've felt Okay.

I can't do this on my own.

CAMP UPdate: Week One

The first week of camp went great. It really tested the limits of the staff but was also very fun. It didn't take me long to figure out my new job as the program director was very stressful. I broke down a few times but many problems arose than normal this week. What a week to start out the summer. It rained a lot but that didn't stop our tight knit staff from bringing these kids out of their shell. It's been such an amazing experiencing watching these campers growing up. Most of the last years have been there since I was a camper. It's sad to see them go, but I'm sure that some will return as staff.
Bring on the rest of the summer.

I'm Sorry (Second Draft)

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl
Who when given the choice to fit in or stand out
Chose originality over commonality every time.

I'm Sorry,
Maybe if I spent less time thinking about tire swings
And more time worrying about what the world thinks
Things might have been better.

I'm Sorry, 
To that little girl
Who by the time she took her first steps into a school
She knew the actions of a bully well before a definition
Was even put into words for her.

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl, barely the age of 11
Who felt the need to cut herself
Like there was no escape
All she needed was help but all she received was hate
So she never let her scars fade.

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl who by the time hit 7th grade
Kept a suit case packed in the back of her closet
So when the next time someone decided to call her a fag at school
She was ready to leave
She didn't know where she would go
She didn't care
Any place seemed better.

I'm Sorry,
To that awkward teenage girl
Who never thought she would last longer than high school
That a body abused, beaten and bruised didn't deserve to
Not a single thought was given to who I was
But no more than who I appeared to be

I'm Sorry,
To that 20 year old survivor who feels like she finally belongs.
I'm sorry it took so long.
I may have not made the best choices for you
But I have given you something to learn from
I've given you the strength to overcome anything

You Make Things Better

I still can't explain it. The way you make me feel.
Just the simplest touch feels like fire and ice going up my spine.
Just the sound of your voice can automatically put a smile on my face.

I never knew how much distance can hurt.
Things just don't feel the same this far apart.
The grass seems greener and the sky is bluer when I'm with you.
The world smells better, I feel happier when I'm with you.
Sounds crazy, I know.
But things just seem better when I'm with you.

Comfort

For a while now a photo like this created much discomfort for me. I miss you so much Aaron. It's hard not to think about you 24/7, especially now that camp is right around the corner. I still find myself looking through all of our camp pictures smiling, crying. It's hard to even imagine camp without you. Not seeing you walk in late to our Sunday meetings drinking a rockstar. Not having you ask every night to use my guitar. Not hearing you sing to cabins. Listening to little girls cry while this magnificent guy sang them songs of a long lost love. It makes me sad knowing that we will never have a picture together, but whenever I see a picture like this in my albums I no longer get discomfort. Because your smile is bright and amazing. And knowing you are smiling in this picture means you were smiling at me. I have comfort. I miss you rockstar. Always and forever.   

Empty Bottles and Sleepless Nights

I can't explain depression.
The distinct definition can't be posted on the back of a pill box.
The very feeling itself can't be put into words.
Somedays I hate myself so much it's hard to breath.
Everything aching but asking for more.
I would love nothing better than to fall to the floor.
Or climb to the top and jump,
lets end it now.
A single tear rest on my cheek, but nobody reaches out.
I want to fix this.
I want to be saved.
But sometimes I think I'll rest shallow in my grave.
And all the looks, all the scars where for nothing.
Trying to please a world that is nothing more than destructing.
I AM alone.
I AM forgotten.

Goosebumps

This is amazing.

Inspirational Toms

So I haven't been doing the weekly thing very well, but I do truly add the things that are inspiring me. Some new additions (already wearing away). On the heel I tried to recreate a paint project I helped with in the dorms.  This was my last year in the dorms and I have to say they have had a huge impact on me. I was inspired by all the amazing women I met in my hall. And of course on the side of my shoe shows my inspiration from love. It insipires me of every minuet of every day.

Could That Be A Smile?

For the last 20 years of my life I've been searching high and low for the simple thing called happiness. Some days are easier than others. Then somedays make it seem hard enough just to breath.
But none of that matters anymore.
Could this really be the key to happiness? My true happiness is not my own. It's knowing that you're happy. That you're safe. Just sitting next to you makes me smile. It makes me happy. Even thinking back to those days when I thought I couldn't go on, I look in your eyes and every mistake that I've made disappears.  Because every single one of them has lead me to you.

I'll sing you my song. You sing me yours.

I want to renew the hope that stripped your pride and I want you there back by my side. The pain you show gleaming in your eyes. It's enough to go and make me cry because I know just what your going through.

Not once but twice I saved your life and now as time goes on we try to move on. From now till the end of time, I am yours and you are mine no matter what we go through.

I am there to hold you tight. Through the thick and the thin. Big and small. When it comes to us nothing will fall. There's a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. I know it gets hard and people are cold. I know it's hard to trust in me, but trust me you just got to believe.

Not once but twice I saved your life and now as time goes on we try to move on. From now till the end of time, I am yours and you are mine no matter what we go through. 

Not once but twice you saved my life because if you took yours then there's nothing more for me.

Broken

I feel broken.
Sometimes I just hurt. I don't know why.
I'm afraid to open my heart because I'm afraid of being left behind.
It hurts because I know I will be. It happens every time.
I wish I knew a life of love.
I wish these broken wings could fly.

It's 11:11. I wish for you.

Paint Project Update

Here we are again after another very fast year. A nice closer for this school year is a paint project done with my house. We just started today, theres still more to do but here are some pictures!

Who knew it was for good.

I'd like to say that I'm over this. But I'm not. I wish I could say that it didn't effect me. But it did.

It's taken all that I have in me just to stop thinking about it everyday. I've learned to give my mind a break. But it's still there, it still lingers. Why you left still remains unspoken to me. I can list reasons that run through my mind everyday, but until you actually decide to tell me. I will never know. I remember that summer as if I dream I was there every night. You and Joe were living with me. A dream come true, living with my two best friends. Back in those days when we thought we were invincible. When our top priorities were hiking in the back woods and sitting in the creek till the sky dimmed. Just talking. Because thats all we needed. Each other. Who knew that squeezing three teenagers into a 10' x 10' room would have been as successful as it was. Remember that night when it was storming. We ran outside once we saw the horizon turn black. It only took moments until the dark sky laid before us. The clouds rolled as if hell was about to break loose. All three of us just stood there starring silently until the first crack of thunder echoed through the field. We looked right at each other with big smiles on, I may have jumped, just a little. Then it began to rain. I stood there and watched as you guys started running around like fools dancing in this late spring storm. Right then I felt like the luckiest person in the world to have you guys. I was happy. That dosen't happen to me that often. It didn't take me long to join you guys as we frolicked through the yard. The rest of the night was spent in the house with candle light while we played on the piano and guitars. There was no need for power that night but the storm decided to make that decision for us. 

As good as the summer started out it didn't take long for things to turn upside down. I was working my normal summer job as a counselor so I wasn't around much. You and Joe were getting under each others skin. Whenever I had some time off I just got over burdened with complaints about each other and both of you looked at me as if I was the answer to everything. But I didn't know what to do. It stressed me out knowing that your friendship was falling apart and I wasn't there to help things out. This stress plus an already stressful job ( yes running around trying to keep twelve 8 year old girls together is very stressful) , I couldn't sleep. One night I was laying in my cabin trying sleepless again when my supervisor came in telling me they needed me in the office. So abandoning my cabin I made my way down the big hill to the front office. A phone call awaited me. My moms unstable voice set a bad vibe to begin with. Thats when I found out you left. Not a bag full of clothes. No personal items. Just out the door, gone. I know it's not Joe's fault you left. I know they wanted you back, but that wasn't an option for you. 

I broke down. My boss was there to comfort me and listen to my rants and rambles. I was miles away, there was nothing I could do. If I could have, I would of ran home then and searched day and night till I found you. Not even minuets after finding out a crack of thunder shook the very building below my feet. My boss and I looked straight out the window as we watched a wall of rain come towards us. I don't think I've ever seen it rain so hard. It didn't take me long to remember I had a cabin full of 8 year olds and no one was there with them. There was no dancing in the rain this time. I struggled as I ran up the huge hill that camp was built on. A better description for the hill that night would be a waterfall. The flooding water was already up to my ankles. Just like I expected I get back to a cabin of little girls freaking out that I was not there when the storm began. Thunder broke so loud that it made my stomach drop. Like it wasn't there already. But running around trying to distract the kids with jokes and stories was helping me take everything off my mind. It's safe to say I didn't get any sleep that night. Finally the storm began to calm down. The girls promised me the would get to bed if I stood by the door to make sure the storm doesn't get in. So I stood there looking out into the lightning in the distance, all night, trying to stop thinking. But that never happens, does it? 

I will never forget that night. Once I finally got off of work I came back to a family with blank looks on there faces. Nobody knew what to do. Nobody knew where you were. There was nothing we really could do. All I could think about is you sitting in a ditch somewhere, cold and alone. Or worst of all, I thought you where gone. Never to take a breath again. But even in my doubts I always dreamed of me driving home from school one day and you would be there, waiting. But it never happened. Loosing you tore me apart. It added tension between me and Joe. It didn't take him long to leave me too. Senior year came and gone, without a word from my best friends for months at a time. It was a summer to bring us together. It was the summer that tore us apart. Who knew that this was the ending point. Major things changed in all of us that year. Things never really where the same after that. 

Torn

Why do I always sabotage myself. 
Good things are going but I just have to go and screw things up. I just don't know what to do. My minds leading me one way but my heart is anchored down. I fucked up everything again. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. Thats exactly what you deserve. Someone perfect. Why are things so different when it comes to love? I treasure a friendship that I can't stand to loose. I fear of loosing you. I don't want to chase you away. Because if things go wrong. I don't know what I will do.  I'm sorry I can't explain how I feel but things these days have to be complicated. I can't sleep at night sometimes just because of this. I avoid conversation because I don't know what to say. Why am I like this. It's annoying. Can't things just be simple?
I don't want to let you down. There's nothing special for me to offer.
I barely brush my hair. I have the hands of a blacksmith. My smile is crooked and my body is the complete opposite of perfect. I'm broke. My life is a mess, I can hardly keep it together. I'm self conscious of everything. I am not graceful. My future is not even a concern right now.
But if things ever got rough, I don't want them to end. I don't ever want to be a source of hate.
Now see, don't I over think everything?

Inspirational Toms. Week:2

At the beginning of last week I was on my way to class and I noticed a couple little dandelions along the side of the art building. They put a big smile on my face. I picked one and sat it on my desk during class and from then on it's been my inspiration for the week. It brought warmth to my heart because summers on it's way.