This is what gets to me.

Sleep is supposed to be the best escape. Like people say it's like being dead for a while just without the commitment. But it's not like that for me. 

As I drift off into the land of mindful lucidity I become subject to the minds torture. Not even everything is bad, I mean sure I have nightmares, but this type of pain just builds and builds. I'm so irritable right now and seeing my mistakes haunt me night after night, like a reminder of how much I suck, it's driving me insane. 

I'm so mad all the time.

I'm so mad

How Polar of Me

It took me a while to believe and accept the fact that I have Bi-polar. Now that I know more about it and know more about myself its been easier to see.
In a matter of moments I can go from feeling invincible to completely broken.
Sometimes even at the same time. I can literally feel that exact moment my mentality switches. It's almost as if the life is being sucked right out of you.
I've been impressed lately with my ability to put a smile on even when it feels like life is irrelevant. Yes I do this to cover up my feelings but there's no use in letting everyone know how weak I feel when in a couple hours I'll be running around, joking and feeling fine. This is my problem and my life. I'm learning how to handle it.
But at night while I'm laying in bed alone I beg for it to be different. I dream of a mind that didn't seem like a maze and a life in which my emotions feel justified and not like a magic 8 ball.
I just want to be myself and it's been hell trying to admit that this is me. This is what I am. This is my normal.

Changing MY Life.

For many months now I've been on a journey of self discovery. Through countless tales of mistakes, triumphs, pill bottles, I've found myself back at the start.

But that does not leave me broken. 

I maxed out and flat lined on another prescription so what better to do than go off my meds completely and be myself for a while. The medications didn't bother me, they just quit working. It's switching from med to med that has been unbearable. Now that I've cleared the last of my meds from my system I'm feeling much better. Going to the counselor did help a lot but it just may not be for me. The first few sessions I opened up and filled my crazy into the room and stuttered, and cried and felt more vulnerable than I ever had before but it didn't take long for me to start closing up, lying, and putting a smile on like everything was being fixed. I stopped going.

It's hard to not beat myself up over this. I tried so hard to find help. I left everyone I knew, everything I loved and still ended up empty handed kicking myself in the ass wishing I could just make it all stop..
So where do I go from here?
I've been working on confidence, I've been losing weight, singing, dancing, creating, I'm really proud of myself and the things I've done.
But this doesn't change the fact that I seem to always choose the worst decisions for myself. Things that grow on the inside and are so easy to hide away. I've been too impressed by my ability to put a smile on nowadays.
My way of fighting back from this mental curse is living without regret. When I put things into actions and words, it happened, it's out, nothing I can do about it after that fact. But nothing eats away at myself worse than not following through, remaining action less, doing nothing.
So I've challenged myself. To do it. Whatever crazy thought that runs through my crazy head, small or big. Life is way too damn short to keep regretting the things you didn't do.
I can't sit here and do nothing anymore. I force myself into peoples lives, for myself. I go out and have fun, for myself, even if no one wants to go. I need to do this for myself.
For me.
For this.
For life.

Changing a Life. Part Two.

A lots happened in the past few months. I've already been through my first med change. The Zoloft began to wear off, so why continue taking something if it's not doing a damn thing. So immediately I was switched to Prozac with a Xanax chaser. With my increasing panic attacks I decided that it didn't sound like a bad idea. It didn't take long for me to find out this med switch was gonna be difficult. It was miserable. By this time I had finally given into counseling due to a mother induced intervention and an appointment set in the books with my name on it. And lucky me I got to have my first session right as it felt like my mind had fallen to shit, confused and cluttered with chemicals, drugs, alcohol. I was at an end. Counseling is not easy. I'm not the type of person who just opens up. It's difficult, but sometimes relieving.
Thankfully I found out that the Xanax makes me want to kill myself when I'm coming down from it. Haven't really touched that bottle since I figured that out.
Really the best thing to calm me down is weed, so fuck the doctors that are trying to keep me from getting my med card. (think of your patients for just a minute).
But one of the Techniques my counselor is making me try is that lovely "count to ten" method. It does work, i tried it, and as i was going into a panic attack, I found out I couldn't count, it always made me get side tracked and the deal of the game was to not be thinking of anything at all. I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that I never made it past 6 when I counted.
What really did helped me though was just telling myself to breath, no counting, no thinking, just breathing. It helped my mind get sidetracked, my heart rate slowed and I finally calmed  the fuck down, because we all know how hard that is for me.
I am glad that the Prozac has set in it seems to be doing okay now. I'm sure I'll get a dose upgrade soon so hopefully I don't flat line with it like the Zoloft. My counselor seems impressed with my change in composure in these past few weeks. I have warned her though that some days as good as I'm up, the harder I can fall. I guess this is was makes me feel so insane some days. I just would like some sort of stability in life, but it never seems like we'll have that comfort.
But I also love the spontaneity of life someday's. Though I might not always have the money, friends or support I need at the time, I know I could always uproot somewhere and work things out as they go.
As long as life is an experience.
 I'm tired of this average Jane stuff and everyone trying to be this perfect picture image. List all the things in a perfect image life, a family, kids, career, home. That's not a necessity for me. If it happens, then hell yeah, you know. But if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't. I just hope I have the drive to keep chasing the things I love. But I trust my passion. I've never really been the 'sell out' type of person. I know I can design and I believe I can go far. Never stop dreaming, and never believe your dream is unreachable. If you truly dream of a brighter future, you are the sun that will make it happen.
You must make it happen.