Make Or Break

It's days like today where all progress made towards a better life can fail. Where you feel like you've built a pretty good set of stairs, then once you take your first step you find out you've made them out of sand. Nothing lay beneath you but a pile of your shattered hopes and dreams. It's days like today that you know when the real you is over come by a depressive demon that feeds on your inner core. I was happy yesterday, why today?
Sitting in class today I could notice the change. I felt hopeless even though my friends offer me nothing but hope. I felt alone even though I have friends that would do anything for me. I felt forgotten even though I've been told about the impact I've been making. Why does this happen to me? I just want to be alright. I want to feel "normal" (even though I hate that word).  Low self esteem waits for these moments to flourish. Nothing better to add to this day than ripping myself to shreds. Normally at that point I would cut myself. These are the low days. These are my weakness. They used to be everyday until I decided to Make or Break.
It sucks having depression. I know I have it. I just will never admit it to a doctor. Or even worse my mother. Deep inside I know she knows, but I hate showing weakness to her. I want her to know she raised the perfect daughter. Even though I stand far from it. I don't want to risk getting on some sketch anti-depressant that gives me even more suicidal thoughts. I don't want to risk my life, not any more. In September of 2010 I decided to quit cutting. It's not the first time I tried but so far it's been successful. Soon after that I quit smoking. Good things just kept happening. So I decided that when I hit a day like this. When I feel Hopeless, Alone, Forgotten, I can choose to make myself, or break myself. I know I'm already broken beyond recognition but I've been spending everyday piecing back together the life I know I can have. The life where I'm happy. Where I can truly love myself for being me. I choose to make myself. 

Hidden Truths

During Self-Acceptance Week I used a massive amount of time to make a video on self-identity and acceptance. It featured many students and showed a collage of people saying what they accept about themselves and things they're working on. Then there was a white board part in the movie where people could write something like "I am beautiful, smart" ect. That whole week I tried to come up with something to say in the movie. Something of why I accept myself or why I work so hard to try to make people feel like they're accepted. I drew a blank. Now the time has come and passed for the video but the questions in my head have not. I know why it's so hard for me to talk about acceptance. Growing up I was that odd fat kid that everyone picked on. I sat at the back of the class room and barley spoke. It's been years and I'm still trying to shake that image. I want people to think I've accepted myself but when it comes down to it. I haven't. I didn't want to speak about it because I know it's a lie. Why talk about something I know nothing about in my sense. So why do I try so hard to accept people? I wasn't accepted most of my life why should I offer it?
Because I know how it feels to be left out.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to not be accepted by my peers.
I know how it feels to not be accepted by myself.
This is why I offer help. Feelings that still rip me to shreds today motivate me to help others with their burdens tomorrow. There is still a chance for you, even if it takes all that I have in me I will show you this. If there is weight I can take off your shoulders I will gladly put it on mine because I don't see my load getting smaller anytime soon. You. Are. Enough. I just wish I could see that.

The Change

So I'm sitting at Relay for Life resting from the many laps I've done. It really takes something like this to get me thinking. So many people coming together for a cause. It's uplifting.
I always end up asking myself why I ended up the way I am today. A big part of me changed when I was young. At the age of seven they found i had melanoma. Nothing hurt more than being a playful young kid enjoying my childhood, then being forced to grow up and fight the battle raging within me. I blame cancer for taking my childhood. My innocence.
Feeling hopeless at the age of seven. Wondering If this is what I'm to look forward to for the rest of my life. Sickness. Hospitals. Pain. Medication. A lot of what happened to me when I was younger is a blur, I've tried so hard to block it out. After most of the hospital visits were over I felt like I was on a different level than everyone. This is what set me apart. This is why I am who I am today. Sure It set me apart early but it lead me to being more than I could have ever imagined. I don't want any sympathy, there are endless amounts of people still fighting today from the unfortunate fate of cancer. I stand here today a 11 year survivor free of my troubles. There were rough patches. But I am strong because I have been weak.

Facing Fears

Tonight I played in an open mic night. I was so scared. I haven't really played in front of anyone since I played a song at church for my mom. It's been years. I was so afraid. Why am I so afraid of my voice? I know it's not bad but it still proceeds to be one of my biggest fears. But I survived. I was shaking like no other, thats something to work on. I played "Last Summer" by Aaron. I miss him so much, but I know he gave me strength to play it. Half way through singing I felt a calm come over me. I stopped shaking for a minuet and everything seemed to slow down. I know he was there with me. Thank you, so much.

Who am I?

This question has been thrown around a lot this week. So it got me really thinking....who am I?

I am a poet.

I am accident prone.

I am a sever depressive with great hope for a better life

I am artistic.

I am determined.

I am a survivor.

I am straight. I am bi. I am gay. I am confused.

I am a mediocre musician with dreams of making a difference rather than fame.

I am shy, but I've come along way from where I used to be.

I am not here for me. I am here for you. I am here to help.

I am subject to change.

I am learning day by day. I am changing day by day.

I am striving for self-acceptance.

I am me.

I am Beautiful.

Breaking Boundaries

So today there was a Self Identity forum called "Who the #$%& are you?". I'm gonna have to say it was defiantly uplifting. There was someone on the panel who I could totally relate with. It's like it took a load off my chest to know someone was going through the same exact thing. She talked about how she dated guys in high school and grew up believing she was straight. But once she came to college she started dating a girl. Now she doesn't really know what to call herself or if it's a phase. I can totally relate.
I grew up being teased everyday of my life. A common insult was "she's totally gay" or "dike". Sure I didn't dress like all the other girls. So what. I dressed the way I wanted. My want for the teasing to stop covered up my feelings for years. At least thats what I'm guessing cause I didn't notice anything till college. Since I was called "gay" or "fag" on a daily basis it gave me the notion that being gay wasn't an option, why be something that I'm being ridiculed for already. To tell you the truth I never really had any feelings for guys or girls but I still had been in the straight role. But now I'm in college.
I know that phrase can lead people the wrong way. Everyones gonna think it's a phase or "experimentation". It's not. I've never had a crush in my life until now. I felt feelings I've never felt before. Is she the one meant for me? God I hope so cause I don't think I can live without her. But I'm scared to act on these feelings because I'm scared of coming out. I'm also scared that maybe this will be the only person that I've truly fell in love with even when they don't have a clue how I feel. And once she's gone will anybody else be the same. Girls? Guys? Anything?
Will anyone ever love me?

Self-Acceptance Week

What a way to start off off this blog than Self-Acceptance Week.
There has never been a harder journey for me than searching for self-acceptance. Sometimes it feels like it will never come to an end. Ever since I first stepped foot into a school I've been rejected, called every name you can imagine, and bullied into emotionless shell where nobody could break my mask.  Showing weakness wasn't an option. I blocked out what I could but time after time their insults grew on me. Now I can truly say I've become a worse critic to myself than anyone ever has. I started cutting myself in 6th grade. Suicidal thoughts were frequent. Attempts. I was lost.
I didn't grow up in a bad home, my family loved me very much, and I knew that. Friends were a rarity, they came in small numbers. But the ones I had were amazing.  I was shy. I hid this hateful life from everyone. It felt like nothing could break me out of this shell. I wasn't being myself, and now I know thats all I have to be. It's taken me 20 years to accept this. This path hasn't been easy but at least I'm heading in the right direction.