Pet Lovers Anonymous

Ever since I was a little girl I was lucky enough to have parents that let me have pets. We had the family dogs and cats but it also came with hamsters, rats, fish, even hermit crabs. I loved the feeling of taking care of something and I was really good at it. I can't even think of a pet of mine that didn't make it to their old age before passing. But nothing tops the day where I finally adopted my first cat, Ellie. My friend Shane and I decided that we could finally handle a cat. We have our first house away from home and we thought it would be a good fit, and it was. She was better than we could have ever expected. She loved everyone in the house, loved all the attention. It seemed like everything was going so good.
But I messed up.
After all the drama I had to take Ellie away.
Our realtor found her and made me get rid of her so I took her to my parents. One of the hardest decisions I had ever made.  I could have been like the normal me, hide her for a while and bring her back, but this time I just couldn't risk to further my mistake and get my other roommates evicted if she was caught again.
This decision seriously still haunts me today. I can't help but think about how much I screwed up. How much I hurt my friends. And how much I hurt Ellie. I know this wasn't easy for anyone and the thought of how I just threw a bunch of extra responsibility to my parents makes me feel even worse. After everything happened I couldn't eat for about a week. I just felt sick all the time and I'm pretty sure every single smile I gave was a lie further than I could ever explain. Animals have a way straight to my heart and I miss Ellie more than anyone will ever know. The thought of coming back home everyday from class was a little less shitty when I looked forward to her sitting on me begging for attention and love. Ellie could even tell how I was feeling, even if it sounds crazy. Usually late at night Ellie would find herself in my bed, jumping up then making herself comfortable. One night I had a really bad night, I was crying. She made her way to my bed as usual but when she jumped up she immediately began licking my hand, she didn't stop, wouldn't stop. But it put a smile on my face as she lightly licked my cheek.
I can't believe how much I messed up.
I just want you back.

   

I don't get it.

I really don't get it.
I actually had to walk away from these words,
and I still don't get it.
I feel like my entire life I've done nothing but wake up each morning and remember how much I hate myself, and I've tried so hard to make this stop. But it never stops.
One step forward, ten steps back.
Thinking about taking a step forward, twenty steps back.
Not even thinking about the topic on a happy day, fifty steps back.
It can only take one word, not even a word, to remind myself that I am fucking useless.
Fucking Useless.
I really am. I believe it everyday.
I'm too afraid to do anything.
Anything.
I've been turned down, made fun of, ridiculed, assaulted, ignored, and laughed at for just walking around being me. Quiet, non-provoking me. But apparently my appearance says everything that everyone needs to hear around me. I don't even need to speak and everyone has already made up there minds of how they feel about me. I even try to smile because everyone says I look mean when I first meet them. But I guess my smile has nothing to do with it as well.

There is so much more to me than anyone thinks.
Anyone.
There are still things that I will never talk about. Never say. There are mistakes and moments even made many times during a normal day but I wont say a word because I even worry about my own friends making fun of me. I feel like I'm at a point when I can't take it anymore. Everyday just one little thing turns me from a good day to regretting my life. I really wish this feeling would leave me.
I really wish this feeling would leave me alone.

What I Should Have Said

Dad,
I often think about how I got here and how I could have never done this alone. It seems like time goes by so fast now and in little more than a year your baby girl is about to graduate college. I catch myself missing the times we would go fishing on Pine Creek, teaching me how to bait or getting to help dad in the garage, that was one of my favorites. But maybe just a little too soon you've seen me go from the innocence of a child to what I am today, whatever that is.
I never meant to disappoint you, but it feels like thats all I ever do now.  I'm sorry. I really am. Someday I hope to change this, me. I want you to be proud, proud of something. I just feel like I've left you with nothing, when you did everything. So many of my friends have never even met there father and I want you to know that I'm so very thankful for you. Everyday. So thankful for everything you've done. For being there.
I would have never gotten here without you and I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. For fathers day I sent you a card. A normal, super cheesy, ungrateful card. But I wish everyday I could have done something more. Just to show you that I do care. I do. One day I will make sure you know just how much I care. Thank you. Always.
Your imperfect daughter,
Angie