I can't even explain the feeling I get when one of my friends never even made it to their 18th birthday. It also amazes me that even in the 17 years you were here you accomplished so much, much more than I could have in my 20 years. Now I've accepted that this world is all but fair. The good really do die young and I spend every day and night wishing it were me instead of you.
It's weird how much you learn from someone once they're gone. I like to think I learned how to embrace life now. How to love everyone and everything because once it's gone, everything changes. Everything.
Today would have been your 20th birthday. I miss you Laurie. Happy Birthday.

If I Could Write

 Stay-Andrea Gibson

" Baby, there were nights when my pulse did not win, nights when my heart beat stained the kitchen floor bright red, but you once told me we are most alive in that split second before death."

130 Days. And You Can Still Smile.

I'm proud of you.
I really am.
As many times as I scream at you. Yelling you're not good enough. Reminding yourself how stupid you are and nothing is good to come.
I'm proud.
I'm proud because I never thought you could do it again. Once I caved I thought it was all over from here. Might as well not try.
I didn't think I was strong enough.
But it's been 130 days since I last hurt myself and I'm excited every time I can really smile.
I'm kept on edge at times but I know my friends won't let me fall again. I know if they knew when I was down they would be there, even if I don't give them a chance to see when I'm weak. I know how vulnerable people are when they show you weakness, and I take pride that people trust me enough to let me in. It's just gonna take me a while longer to be able to do it myself.
But for now. I'm happy. I'm proud.
And now I can walk around and wear my true smile.
Because some days that smile can make others truly smile. 

One Day

Thank you.
I know you probably don't remember me but we do see each other everyday. I guess you might know who I am but you might not remember that day you changed my thoughts. You lit a fire in the bottom of a hopeless kids heart.
And I thank you.
That one day when I got to class just a little too early and I caught myself again looking closely at some art hanging on the wall, and you caught me there once again because I swear I see you at least once a day. As I softly run my finger tips against intricate structures and wonder what I someday will make, then thats when you spoke to me. Simple.
" One day, that's gonna be your work up there."
Not knowing how to respond, you walked away quickly as if you wanted no response because I would have simply said "I wish." More encouragement from the art building janitor than any teacher has ever given me. And some nights, I have enough heart to believe her. Maybe there is hope in this hopeless kids heart. 

Okay...So scratch my last post.

There is about 13 minuets left of this Valentines Day.
And what did I do. Sit at home, down a six pack, and try to forget that I've never really had a true valentine. There were days when I was young and the innocence of two kids holding hands and exchanging overly cheesy Halmark cards was encouraged, but I never truly called it love.
I never truly had the feeling of what to do when I was in love. But today I feel like I could have shown how my heart feels. Overwhelming feelings of me wanting to hide flowers around your room just so I can imagine the smile on your face when you find them.
Halmark cards, not for you darling. For you I would make a masterpiece, fold it in half, write nothing but Love on the front and hope it makes your heart feel the way Mine does when you look me in the eyes. I'd do nothing but hope no matter what happens to me you could hold that masterpiece close to your heart and never let go.
I wish that you never let go.
With three minuets left in this day that I say I hate, but it's because I've never been given the chance to love.

Valentines

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