Facing Facts

It's been so long since I've felt Okay.

I can't do this on my own.

CAMP UPdate: Week One

The first week of camp went great. It really tested the limits of the staff but was also very fun. It didn't take me long to figure out my new job as the program director was very stressful. I broke down a few times but many problems arose than normal this week. What a week to start out the summer. It rained a lot but that didn't stop our tight knit staff from bringing these kids out of their shell. It's been such an amazing experiencing watching these campers growing up. Most of the last years have been there since I was a camper. It's sad to see them go, but I'm sure that some will return as staff.
Bring on the rest of the summer.

I'm Sorry (Second Draft)

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl
Who when given the choice to fit in or stand out
Chose originality over commonality every time.

I'm Sorry,
Maybe if I spent less time thinking about tire swings
And more time worrying about what the world thinks
Things might have been better.

I'm Sorry, 
To that little girl
Who by the time she took her first steps into a school
She knew the actions of a bully well before a definition
Was even put into words for her.

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl, barely the age of 11
Who felt the need to cut herself
Like there was no escape
All she needed was help but all she received was hate
So she never let her scars fade.

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl who by the time hit 7th grade
Kept a suit case packed in the back of her closet
So when the next time someone decided to call her a fag at school
She was ready to leave
She didn't know where she would go
She didn't care
Any place seemed better.

I'm Sorry,
To that awkward teenage girl
Who never thought she would last longer than high school
That a body abused, beaten and bruised didn't deserve to
Not a single thought was given to who I was
But no more than who I appeared to be

I'm Sorry,
To that 20 year old survivor who feels like she finally belongs.
I'm sorry it took so long.
I may have not made the best choices for you
But I have given you something to learn from
I've given you the strength to overcome anything

You Make Things Better

I still can't explain it. The way you make me feel.
Just the simplest touch feels like fire and ice going up my spine.
Just the sound of your voice can automatically put a smile on my face.

I never knew how much distance can hurt.
Things just don't feel the same this far apart.
The grass seems greener and the sky is bluer when I'm with you.
The world smells better, I feel happier when I'm with you.
Sounds crazy, I know.
But things just seem better when I'm with you.

Comfort

For a while now a photo like this created much discomfort for me. I miss you so much Aaron. It's hard not to think about you 24/7, especially now that camp is right around the corner. I still find myself looking through all of our camp pictures smiling, crying. It's hard to even imagine camp without you. Not seeing you walk in late to our Sunday meetings drinking a rockstar. Not having you ask every night to use my guitar. Not hearing you sing to cabins. Listening to little girls cry while this magnificent guy sang them songs of a long lost love. It makes me sad knowing that we will never have a picture together, but whenever I see a picture like this in my albums I no longer get discomfort. Because your smile is bright and amazing. And knowing you are smiling in this picture means you were smiling at me. I have comfort. I miss you rockstar. Always and forever.   

Empty Bottles and Sleepless Nights

I can't explain depression.
The distinct definition can't be posted on the back of a pill box.
The very feeling itself can't be put into words.
Somedays I hate myself so much it's hard to breath.
Everything aching but asking for more.
I would love nothing better than to fall to the floor.
Or climb to the top and jump,
lets end it now.
A single tear rest on my cheek, but nobody reaches out.
I want to fix this.
I want to be saved.
But sometimes I think I'll rest shallow in my grave.
And all the looks, all the scars where for nothing.
Trying to please a world that is nothing more than destructing.
I AM alone.
I AM forgotten.