I lost myself
for a while
I'm still lost
I don't even know what to do
In these past couple years so much has changed, things have been constantly transforming including myself. It seems I've let certain things go that were everything I had at moments. Music. Writing. Art. Love. All of it.
I'm out of whack and I need to fix it.
Hell I haven't even written on this thing. Sometimes I forget how cleansing it can be.
I know this won't fix everything, especially if I sit here and expect it to fix itself. I've got nothing to live for but I've got nothing to loose so here's to starting from square one. Here's what I need to fix.
Music I think I finally figured out why singing in front of people is so hard for me. I know I'm shy so that doesn't help but I believe the main reason is how much of an emotional thing music is for me. I tend to let things build up inside of me. I've never really been a person to talk to myself, or scream when nobody's around. I'm silent. I'm used to it, it's me. But when I play guitar and sing I feel as if I'm finally able to get something off my chest. The songs I love to play are extremely personal. So playing for someone I feel like I'm letting them into this place that nobody has seen. Every songs a different portal to see inside of some of my darkest places.
I want to work on this.  I want to be able to play in front of people, friends, open mic nights. I would just love to feel confident in being able to do that. It's going to be hard but I need to start doing this.
Writing Last night I went through my shoe box. This box was full of anything that has ever really meant something to me. Piles of notes, cards, odds and ends, love letters, and so on. After getting past little things from my college years I got to the bottom. Nobody would probably look twice at the ripped up scraps of paper, napkins, but yet the closer you get the worn down words of a lost soul were written on any piece of parchment I could find. Why was it so easy for me to just write in high school. There are days where I wish I could find the words that I used to. Journal after journal sit on my bookshelf filled with half written songs and napkin poems. These books have barely had a new entry since I started college. I know that I got busy but this isn't something I want to loose. I need to write.
I want to work on this. I know it's there in me I just need to push a little more. A new step that I want to take is spoken word poetry. It's hard to even think of myself standing in front of people and reciting a poem, let alone one of my own. I might start with some of my favorite poems from others to get used to talking and who knows maybe someday you'll see me up at an open mic night spilling my own heart out on stage. I love how powerful words can be and I want to embrace that.
Art Lately I've been blocked. I sit down, set up things, I'm all ready to go. Then I fail myself and at the end of the night still rest a blank page. Artist blocks can be a challenging wall to bust through but I can't let it crush my spirit. Until my tanks get set up for metal I'll be a little lost. I just need something new to keep me occupied but I can't forget this is what I want my lively hood to be. I want to be an artist. I love to create.
I want to work on this. Now I'm in an area that is surrounded by opportunities great for any inspiring artist. I might even be teaching some classes soon which could be amazing.
Love I know I screwed up a good thing. I just said goodbye to every friend I've made for the past five years as I packed my car to move to better opportunities. But that hardest goodbye was you. I drove around waiting for you to text me because there's no way I could have left that town without a goodbye. It's been months and I  know I shouldn't be as affected by you as I am. But I am. Everyone tells me it takes time. Feelings will fade. I guess whats hardest is not knowing if my feelings will. What if that never happens. It's been months and I can't say I've felt the slightest difference. I wanted to kiss you so bad before I left, I guess it's a good thing now that I didn't. I'm not sure I'm cut out for love. I really don't want to do it anymore and this was just my first relationship. I can't imagine opening up like I did, feeling everything I felt, and I'm still the one who left and made myself feel this devastated. I hope you enjoyed my heart because you're the only one who's gotten it and probably the only person who ever will. I'm sorry. I really am. I hope you find someone who treats you right and I hope you are happy. I hope you are so happy. I hope you the best. Please don't forget me.

I'm Sorry (Second Draft)

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl
Who when given the choice to fit in or stand out
Chose originality over commonality every time.

I'm Sorry,
Maybe if I spent less time thinking about tire swings
And more time worrying about what the world thinks
Things might have been better.

I'm Sorry, 
To that little girl
Who by the time she took her first steps into a school
She knew the actions of a bully well before a definition
Was even put into words for her.

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl, barely the age of 11
Who felt the need to cut herself
Like there was no escape
All she needed was help but all she received was hate
So she never let her scars fade.

I'm Sorry,
To that little girl who by the time hit 7th grade
Kept a suit case packed in the back of her closet
So when the next time someone decided to call her a fag at school
She was ready to leave
She didn't know where she would go
She didn't care
Any place seemed better.

I'm Sorry,
To that awkward teenage girl
Who never thought she would last longer than high school
That a body abused, beaten and bruised didn't deserve to
Not a single thought was given to who I was
But no more than who I appeared to be

I'm Sorry,
To that 20 year old survivor who feels like she finally belongs.
I'm sorry it took so long.
I may have not made the best choices for you
But I have given you something to learn from
I've given you the strength to overcome anything

Broken

I feel broken.
Sometimes I just hurt. I don't know why.
I'm afraid to open my heart because I'm afraid of being left behind.
It hurts because I know I will be. It happens every time.
I wish I knew a life of love.
I wish these broken wings could fly.

Untitled

I'm just sitting here thinking,

wondering where you are, if your still breathing.

I've had so many friendships come to an end,

i dont think i can ever trust again.

So many feelings of hatred and hope,

getting back on track is a slippery slope.

Once your off your in for a ride,

you never see it coming until you collide.

Collide head on with what you know is wrong,

just close your eyes and hope it wont last long.

Beaten and Bruised, Battered and Whiplash,

thrown from the wreck how long will it last.

The final impact takes your breath away.

Learn from the mistakes you make each day.

Take my hand and i'll help you through,

Because i need help getting through this too.