Up, Up, Up, And Away

I never thought this would be easy. Ever since the very second I found out, my heart lies a little heavier. My minds even more prone to wander. I can go from perfectly fine to not okay in seconds.
Once again I can't even find the words to explain how much I miss you Aaron. I knew this day was coming I just never thought I would be ready for it. One year ago. It's been over a year since I last saw you. I can feel the warm summer memories of 2010 replaying in my head but then quickly it's disrupted by images of pain and loss. People stare, I quickly look away as I started to tear up in class. I can't get you out of my head. My mind has been preparing myself for this. All week has been full of dreams of you. I guess it's better having unconscious encounters then nothing at all. But I still find myself waking up in a crying mess.
I would give anything to go back one year ago just to call you. Just to hear your voice one last time. I would do anything. Maybe it would have changed what had happened. Maybe it wouldn't, but I just wish that I had tried.
I remember standing in that very spot where you took your last breaths. I was more comforted than I thought I would be because lets be honest there should be nothing comforting about that. The stars were so bright it was as if they were reaching out to us. A cosmic embrace as if you set every star perfectly in place. Your voice softly carried with the wind as my own breath cuts through the cold night air. Am I dreaming. I've had many dreams about this night. This spot. You.
Were you scared?
And on that night when we started to leave, I looked back. In the depth of the night I saw a light. What It was coming from, I don't know, but it made me smile.

This holiday which is usually full of fun and laughter, friends and candy, is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Last year I tried to have fun and keep a smile on my face but I was more so taken down by my stupid decision to stay in Marquette for Halloween weekend. I should have left that very second Sarah called me. I should have got in my car and left.
But I was scared. I should have been there for my friends but I was afraid of seeing them like this. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want them seeing me like this either. But I made a stupid decision and left on the day of your visitation.
It was Halloween and I was looking at the scariest thing in a casket that I ever have. My friend.

Just as I begin to cry I reached for my old journal, and there it was, The entry I made a day after I found out you were gone. It goes like this:

October 29th, 2010:
"Yesterday I found out you were gone. You seized to exist. "He is" has now become "he was". Gone.
It's still hard for me to find the words to say. But one thing I know is that I love you. I wish there was something that I could have done. So many questions are being asked and no one seems to have the answers....
Do you remember when me you and Sarah laid on the hood of her car as we watched the stars. They were amazing that night.  Now, you are apart of those stars and I will never look up at them and not think of you. I can't wait for the first clear night up here, shine your brightest because I'll be looking. I miss you Aaron....
I can't say this has really hit me, but I'm sure once I get into my car and drive, each mile I get closer to you will get harder. Eventually reality will sneak up on me. Then when I come to that room where everyone is standing there except you. I will know....
I can't explain the feeling I have. It's just numb. Sometimes I even feel sick. It's like my body knows something is wrong but my mind is unable to accept it. I wish this were a dream. I wish you were here...
November 1st, 2010:
Today we said goodbye. It was so hard Aaron. But even after all of this it doesn't seem real. I've held all my friends and cried, I've talked to your parents, I touched your guitar for the last time, I sat through your funeral,  I laid my hand upon the very casket that you still rest in, I stood in the spot where you last stood on this Earth. Why doesn't this seem real?
That boy does not deserve to be in that box.

I named my guitar after you. No wonder why it took me years to name him, I was just looking for the perfect one. He's been sitting in the corner collecting dust lately. I haven't the heart to play. Help me get my heart back Aaron. Help me write the songs that you never got to write. Guide my hards to hit the right notes and my voice to say the right words....
I miss you Aaron."

Help me through this. I can't handle this.

PostSecret

I Hate How I Need You

Forgiven

Maybe it's because I've grown up. Maybe it's because I feel like I barley know you anymore but the years have flown by and I think I'm ready to say it.
Reading my blog entries of you leaving brought back so many different feelings, some still make me tear up.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
I've seen you once in the past four years and I let my feelings overtake me rather than actually seeing how you were. I turned and walked away when I should have given you a hug.
I'm sorry but it was just too hard. If only you knew how hard. I couldn't even talk for an hour or two after we ran into each other. People kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even respond.
You were my best friend.
It's hard to see posts like this. We used to be so close.

July 6th 2008: Who Are You
"Who are you to be judging me. You're the one who left. You're the one who brought my entire family to a screeching hault. You interupted me at work and left me "emotionally incapable". You're the one that left my mom screaming in painfull tears and cries on the ground and then almost breaks her leg against the couch. You're away in your little "safety" zone while all fuckin hell breaks loose here. And even though you hurt my family so bad when they were offering help, I still love you, I want to see you happy, I want to finally see you change back, you're different and i dont like it. You care too much about what people think about you, just be yourself, and come home."


I still love you. 

I've lost all faith in humanity.

I will never understand this world.
A world in which innocent people get hurt everyday just because someone wants to get paid.
I will never understand this world.
Were simple useless possessions have greater importance to someone than human life.
It's people like you who make me lose all hope in humanity.
You make me sick to my stomach.
You hurt my friend and I am not okay with it.
It wasn't enough that you were stealing all her shit, and when she came home early you didn't know what to do.
So you beat the shit out of her.
You couldn't just run like the real coward you are.
And trust me I'm not the only one who has lost all hope in humanity.
Her friends. Her family. How do you think they feel?
All because of you.
I hope you realize one day what you did.
And maybe, one day you'll actually apologize to the girl whos fractured skull still remains intact enough to be alive. Thankfully you didn't kill her.
When did money become more important then life?
A long time ago my friend. A long time.
Recover fast Anna. I know you'll get through this.

High School Drama

I'm going to start referencing some blog entries from my high school blog. I was going through some hard times and rereading them really makes me want to write about them again.

February 24th, 2009
"It's that time year again. It's been so long since i've been able to sit out and watch the stars. I long for those summer days where i can sit outside with my friends next to a camp fire until the sun rises. Latley I've been sitting outside on the roof with an empty spot beside me and i cant stop thinking. Will i ever find that friend. Sure i have friends but i need a friend i can trust, a friend that i can talk seriously with, a friend that wont leave me like i'm nothing. I had this feeling before about many of my friends but I was tired of getting left behind. To many times in my life I have had someone I would trust with my life leave me like theres no reason for it, and i'm sick of it. Look at this. Look at what your doing. You chose the feelings you got by the actions you took. You and You alone are responsible. I was forced to feel the way I feel. Your the reason I hurt. You forced me to realize
I always end up alone"


Sometimes I feel like this but I have many friends that mean the world to me. I love every single one of them and they can always put a smile on my face. 
Friends. You mean the world to me.

Premonition, Coinicdence or Love

Day : February 2nd, 2011

I didn't sleep. 

Not so much not being able to sleep but I pulled an all nighter to keep up with my studies.   This is considered normal for me, even somewhat routine. It's usually around 6:30 am when we all get a little restless and begin to get ready for breakfast at 7. Yes, whats an all nighter without friends. I wasn't the only one staying up. 

Now heres when the day started to get odd. 

We all get back from breakfast and split up into our separate dorm rooms so we could at least get an hour or two of sleep before our morning classes. Right as I shut the door my phone began to ring. Odd, I'm not used to getting 8am phone calls. I looked and it was my grandma, so naturally I think something has gone wrong for her to call me this early. She knows my usual sleeping schedule. 

I could hear concern in her voice as she kept asking me if I was okay when I answered. I ensured her I was fine and we continued with a normal conversation. After a while she then again asked me if I was sure I was okay and thats when I asked her what was up. She told me she was awoken by a dream she had. It seemed as if it were real to her. She woke up to me standing by the side of her bed. White in the face. Somewhat death like. Describing to me the exact hat I was wearing. I was unresponsive and then she woke up. 

I didn't really know how to take the dream. At the time I just thought it was really creepy. Finally I told her once again that I was fine and nothing was going to happen to me, then we said our goodbyes. I was gonna try to get some sleep before my first class but just for fun I went online and googled an interpretation of my grandmas dream. Thats when I started to feel a little unsettled. I'm not saying I completely believe in dream predictions but it's a little unsettling when it says death. I tried to lay on the couch and rest after but I was pretty much awake. Soon enough time came around and I had to start leaving for my class. I walked as usual with just a little more worry in my mind. It's not like I thought something was gonna happen but I just couldn't shake this feeling. Just in time too. As I walked along side the art building I cross paths with two teacher yelling at me to get back home as quickly as possible. My heart stopped. That was the longest walk back to the dorms of my life. Even though I was practically running at this point. I had no clue what was going on but I felt as if I could barley breath. Shaken from the core. I wasn't the only person on the way to class as I run into herds of students heading back to their dorms. Cars flooded the streets. It only took minuets to empty campus from it's normal hectic days. 

I walk into my room and sit there. Red screens flood the computers. Messages flow on the bottoms of television screens. My roommate still lay there sleeping. Soon enough she woke up to me locking all the doors and shutting the blinds. She mumbled morning distress then I told her classes were canceled in a shaky voice. She went from barley awake to "I'm up" in seconds. Then she asked why I looked so white. Now I was a little scared. 

Nothing ended up happening that day but it still makes me wonder what if something had. Apparently someone had anonymously posted a blog saying they were gonna shoot up campus. As soon as the university found out the campus went on lockdown.
But what if they never found out. What if there was a shooter.
Maybe someones concerns about a blog saved my life.
Who knows.
I tried to make the best of the situation, we even made a huge fort in my room. It helped me get my grandmas dream off my mind.
Even though nothing happened it still makes me think. 

Maybe Someday

You were in my dreams last night. As if my everyday thought isn't already enough, my nights are also consumed of you.
I remember the day I gave you the address to this site. I made it seem as though I had forgotten what it was, while I quickly went and deleted something I had written about you.
I wish I had at least saved it somewhere. But now it's gone.

It was about that one night on the beach. We were all at Little Presque hoping for the northern lights.
They never showed, but the night sky alone did us justice.
For a second you laid your head on my shoulder.

If only you knew how easy it is for you to put a smile on my face.

I remember this dream I had of you this summer.
You told me you didn't want to talk to me anymore.
I was confused. All I wanted to do was talk.
I woke up crying. I actually woke up crying.

This one time you asked me a question.
You asked why I liked you.
I couldn't explain. I'd like to say I'm getting better at it.
I love the way you walk.
I love the way you talk.
I love the way you look at me when you laugh.
I love the way you move your arms.
I love your eyes.
Curly or straight hair.
With or without makeup.
Good or bad day.

I love everything about you.

You won my heart. Since the first day and the note.
When I said it was yours I wasn't lying.
Whether you wanted it or not.
And my heart is no normal prize to be won, you see
It holds and enormous amount of love. Enough love for the entire world but I rather give it to you.
So much that I've left none for myself.
Maybe if I had been confident.
Maybe if I had been more brave.
Things would be different.

But I am kept silent. There is no need for me to disrupt something that would lead you to someone better.
But to you, it will be as if nothing changed. And me, I'll just keep saying what you said.
Maybe Someday.

Proving Myself

So, I've noticed that all my conversations with friends are usually started by me. In short I've decided that for the next couple days not to text/message/call anyone unless they take time to contact me. Will anyone even notice is my question. I guess I just want to see how this goes. Maybe I'm proving myself right. Maybe I'm proving myself wrong.

And this explains my life.