Once again I can't even find the words to explain how much I miss you Aaron. I knew this day was coming I just never thought I would be ready for it. One year ago. It's been over a year since I last saw you. I can feel the warm summer memories of 2010 replaying in my head but then quickly it's disrupted by images of pain and loss. People stare, I quickly look away as I started to tear up in class. I can't get you out of my head. My mind has been preparing myself for this. All week has been full of dreams of you. I guess it's better having unconscious encounters then nothing at all. But I still find myself waking up in a crying mess.
I would give anything to go back one year ago just to call you. Just to hear your voice one last time. I would do anything. Maybe it would have changed what had happened. Maybe it wouldn't, but I just wish that I had tried.
I remember standing in that very spot where you took your last breaths. I was more comforted than I thought I would be because lets be honest there should be nothing comforting about that. The stars were so bright it was as if they were reaching out to us. A cosmic embrace as if you set every star perfectly in place. Your voice softly carried with the wind as my own breath cuts through the cold night air. Am I dreaming. I've had many dreams about this night. This spot. You.
Were you scared?
And on that night when we started to leave, I looked back. In the depth of the night I saw a light. What It was coming from, I don't know, but it made me smile.
This holiday which is usually full of fun and laughter, friends and candy, is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Last year I tried to have fun and keep a smile on my face but I was more so taken down by my stupid decision to stay in Marquette for Halloween weekend. I should have left that very second Sarah called me. I should have got in my car and left.
But I was scared. I should have been there for my friends but I was afraid of seeing them like this. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want them seeing me like this either. But I made a stupid decision and left on the day of your visitation.
It was Halloween and I was looking at the scariest thing in a casket that I ever have. My friend.
Just as I begin to cry I reached for my old journal, and there it was, The entry I made a day after I found out you were gone. It goes like this:
October 29th, 2010:
"Yesterday I found out you were gone. You seized to exist. "He is" has now become "he was". Gone.
It's still hard for me to find the words to say. But one thing I know is that I love you. I wish there was something that I could have done. So many questions are being asked and no one seems to have the answers....
Do you remember when me you and Sarah laid on the hood of her car as we watched the stars. They were amazing that night. Now, you are apart of those stars and I will never look up at them and not think of you. I can't wait for the first clear night up here, shine your brightest because I'll be looking. I miss you Aaron....
I can't say this has really hit me, but I'm sure once I get into my car and drive, each mile I get closer to you will get harder. Eventually reality will sneak up on me. Then when I come to that room where everyone is standing there except you. I will know....
I can't explain the feeling I have. It's just numb. Sometimes I even feel sick. It's like my body knows something is wrong but my mind is unable to accept it. I wish this were a dream. I wish you were here...
November 1st, 2010:
Today we said goodbye. It was so hard Aaron. But even after all of this it doesn't seem real. I've held all my friends and cried, I've talked to your parents, I touched your guitar for the last time, I sat through your funeral, I laid my hand upon the very casket that you still rest in, I stood in the spot where you last stood on this Earth. Why doesn't this seem real?
That boy does not deserve to be in that box.
I named my guitar after you. No wonder why it took me years to name him, I was just looking for the perfect one. He's been sitting in the corner collecting dust lately. I haven't the heart to play. Help me get my heart back Aaron. Help me write the songs that you never got to write. Guide my hards to hit the right notes and my voice to say the right words....
I miss you Aaron."
Help me through this. I can't handle this.
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