But that does not leave me broken.
I maxed out and flat lined on another prescription so what better to do than go off my meds completely and be myself for a while. The medications didn't bother me, they just quit working. It's switching from med to med that has been unbearable. Now that I've cleared the last of my meds from my system I'm feeling much better. Going to the counselor did help a lot but it just may not be for me. The first few sessions I opened up and filled my crazy into the room and stuttered, and cried and felt more vulnerable than I ever had before but it didn't take long for me to start closing up, lying, and putting a smile on like everything was being fixed. I stopped going.
It's hard to not beat myself up over this. I tried so hard to find help. I left everyone I knew, everything I loved and still ended up empty handed kicking myself in the ass wishing I could just make it all stop..
So where do I go from here?
I've been working on confidence, I've been losing weight, singing, dancing, creating, I'm really proud of myself and the things I've done.
But this doesn't change the fact that I seem to always choose the worst decisions for myself. Things that grow on the inside and are so easy to hide away. I've been too impressed by my ability to put a smile on nowadays.
My way of fighting back from this mental curse is living without regret. When I put things into actions and words, it happened, it's out, nothing I can do about it after that fact. But nothing eats away at myself worse than not following through, remaining action less, doing nothing.
So I've challenged myself. To do it. Whatever crazy thought that runs through my crazy head, small or big. Life is way too damn short to keep regretting the things you didn't do.
I can't sit here and do nothing anymore. I force myself into peoples lives, for myself. I go out and have fun, for myself, even if no one wants to go. I need to do this for myself.
For me.
For this.
For life.
So where do I go from here?
I've been working on confidence, I've been losing weight, singing, dancing, creating, I'm really proud of myself and the things I've done.
But this doesn't change the fact that I seem to always choose the worst decisions for myself. Things that grow on the inside and are so easy to hide away. I've been too impressed by my ability to put a smile on nowadays.
My way of fighting back from this mental curse is living without regret. When I put things into actions and words, it happened, it's out, nothing I can do about it after that fact. But nothing eats away at myself worse than not following through, remaining action less, doing nothing.
So I've challenged myself. To do it. Whatever crazy thought that runs through my crazy head, small or big. Life is way too damn short to keep regretting the things you didn't do.
I can't sit here and do nothing anymore. I force myself into peoples lives, for myself. I go out and have fun, for myself, even if no one wants to go. I need to do this for myself.
For me.
For this.
For life.
