I'll sing you my song. You sing me yours.

I want to renew the hope that stripped your pride and I want you there back by my side. The pain you show gleaming in your eyes. It's enough to go and make me cry because I know just what your going through.

Not once but twice I saved your life and now as time goes on we try to move on. From now till the end of time, I am yours and you are mine no matter what we go through.

I am there to hold you tight. Through the thick and the thin. Big and small. When it comes to us nothing will fall. There's a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. I know it gets hard and people are cold. I know it's hard to trust in me, but trust me you just got to believe.

Not once but twice I saved your life and now as time goes on we try to move on. From now till the end of time, I am yours and you are mine no matter what we go through. 

Not once but twice you saved my life because if you took yours then there's nothing more for me.

Broken

I feel broken.
Sometimes I just hurt. I don't know why.
I'm afraid to open my heart because I'm afraid of being left behind.
It hurts because I know I will be. It happens every time.
I wish I knew a life of love.
I wish these broken wings could fly.

It's 11:11. I wish for you.

Paint Project Update

Here we are again after another very fast year. A nice closer for this school year is a paint project done with my house. We just started today, theres still more to do but here are some pictures!

Who knew it was for good.

I'd like to say that I'm over this. But I'm not. I wish I could say that it didn't effect me. But it did.

It's taken all that I have in me just to stop thinking about it everyday. I've learned to give my mind a break. But it's still there, it still lingers. Why you left still remains unspoken to me. I can list reasons that run through my mind everyday, but until you actually decide to tell me. I will never know. I remember that summer as if I dream I was there every night. You and Joe were living with me. A dream come true, living with my two best friends. Back in those days when we thought we were invincible. When our top priorities were hiking in the back woods and sitting in the creek till the sky dimmed. Just talking. Because thats all we needed. Each other. Who knew that squeezing three teenagers into a 10' x 10' room would have been as successful as it was. Remember that night when it was storming. We ran outside once we saw the horizon turn black. It only took moments until the dark sky laid before us. The clouds rolled as if hell was about to break loose. All three of us just stood there starring silently until the first crack of thunder echoed through the field. We looked right at each other with big smiles on, I may have jumped, just a little. Then it began to rain. I stood there and watched as you guys started running around like fools dancing in this late spring storm. Right then I felt like the luckiest person in the world to have you guys. I was happy. That dosen't happen to me that often. It didn't take me long to join you guys as we frolicked through the yard. The rest of the night was spent in the house with candle light while we played on the piano and guitars. There was no need for power that night but the storm decided to make that decision for us. 

As good as the summer started out it didn't take long for things to turn upside down. I was working my normal summer job as a counselor so I wasn't around much. You and Joe were getting under each others skin. Whenever I had some time off I just got over burdened with complaints about each other and both of you looked at me as if I was the answer to everything. But I didn't know what to do. It stressed me out knowing that your friendship was falling apart and I wasn't there to help things out. This stress plus an already stressful job ( yes running around trying to keep twelve 8 year old girls together is very stressful) , I couldn't sleep. One night I was laying in my cabin trying sleepless again when my supervisor came in telling me they needed me in the office. So abandoning my cabin I made my way down the big hill to the front office. A phone call awaited me. My moms unstable voice set a bad vibe to begin with. Thats when I found out you left. Not a bag full of clothes. No personal items. Just out the door, gone. I know it's not Joe's fault you left. I know they wanted you back, but that wasn't an option for you. 

I broke down. My boss was there to comfort me and listen to my rants and rambles. I was miles away, there was nothing I could do. If I could have, I would of ran home then and searched day and night till I found you. Not even minuets after finding out a crack of thunder shook the very building below my feet. My boss and I looked straight out the window as we watched a wall of rain come towards us. I don't think I've ever seen it rain so hard. It didn't take me long to remember I had a cabin full of 8 year olds and no one was there with them. There was no dancing in the rain this time. I struggled as I ran up the huge hill that camp was built on. A better description for the hill that night would be a waterfall. The flooding water was already up to my ankles. Just like I expected I get back to a cabin of little girls freaking out that I was not there when the storm began. Thunder broke so loud that it made my stomach drop. Like it wasn't there already. But running around trying to distract the kids with jokes and stories was helping me take everything off my mind. It's safe to say I didn't get any sleep that night. Finally the storm began to calm down. The girls promised me the would get to bed if I stood by the door to make sure the storm doesn't get in. So I stood there looking out into the lightning in the distance, all night, trying to stop thinking. But that never happens, does it? 

I will never forget that night. Once I finally got off of work I came back to a family with blank looks on there faces. Nobody knew what to do. Nobody knew where you were. There was nothing we really could do. All I could think about is you sitting in a ditch somewhere, cold and alone. Or worst of all, I thought you where gone. Never to take a breath again. But even in my doubts I always dreamed of me driving home from school one day and you would be there, waiting. But it never happened. Loosing you tore me apart. It added tension between me and Joe. It didn't take him long to leave me too. Senior year came and gone, without a word from my best friends for months at a time. It was a summer to bring us together. It was the summer that tore us apart. Who knew that this was the ending point. Major things changed in all of us that year. Things never really where the same after that. 

Torn

Why do I always sabotage myself. 
Good things are going but I just have to go and screw things up. I just don't know what to do. My minds leading me one way but my heart is anchored down. I fucked up everything again. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. Thats exactly what you deserve. Someone perfect. Why are things so different when it comes to love? I treasure a friendship that I can't stand to loose. I fear of loosing you. I don't want to chase you away. Because if things go wrong. I don't know what I will do.  I'm sorry I can't explain how I feel but things these days have to be complicated. I can't sleep at night sometimes just because of this. I avoid conversation because I don't know what to say. Why am I like this. It's annoying. Can't things just be simple?
I don't want to let you down. There's nothing special for me to offer.
I barely brush my hair. I have the hands of a blacksmith. My smile is crooked and my body is the complete opposite of perfect. I'm broke. My life is a mess, I can hardly keep it together. I'm self conscious of everything. I am not graceful. My future is not even a concern right now.
But if things ever got rough, I don't want them to end. I don't ever want to be a source of hate.
Now see, don't I over think everything?

Inspirational Toms. Week:2

At the beginning of last week I was on my way to class and I noticed a couple little dandelions along the side of the art building. They put a big smile on my face. I picked one and sat it on my desk during class and from then on it's been my inspiration for the week. It brought warmth to my heart because summers on it's way.

Untitled

I'm just sitting here thinking,

wondering where you are, if your still breathing.

I've had so many friendships come to an end,

i dont think i can ever trust again.

So many feelings of hatred and hope,

getting back on track is a slippery slope.

Once your off your in for a ride,

you never see it coming until you collide.

Collide head on with what you know is wrong,

just close your eyes and hope it wont last long.

Beaten and Bruised, Battered and Whiplash,

thrown from the wreck how long will it last.

The final impact takes your breath away.

Learn from the mistakes you make each day.

Take my hand and i'll help you through,

Because i need help getting through this too.

Inspirational Toms

So for my birthday my mom bought me a pair of white Toms because she wanted me to paint them. But that gave me the great idea to keep painting them. Every week I will add something that has inspired me. Hopefully my inspirational Toms will give you some inspiration too! To start them off I did a tree. My inspiration was me and a couple of other people taking pictures for One Day Without Shoes and we all were trying to climbs trees. Some successfully some not, but it was all good fun.

Missing

So there's this boy who used to sleep on my couch every night and get me into trouble. If I had to find someone who was exactly like me it would be you Shane. I've only known you for about 2 years but I feel like I've found the best friend I've always wanted. I enjoy every single second we spend together. You make me laugh until my sides hurt, sing until my voice is gone and smile until my face is numb. We have so many great memories to look back on and many more to look forward too. Your not up here at Northern right now and I miss you like CRAZY. Just talking about how much fun we had freshman year and carrying it on into this year makes me miss you more. Today we talked about that night me and you were on the floor singing for hours while Jen sat there and laughed. Such a great 20th birthday. I feel like I've known you forever. You know more about me than I even do. Thank you for being such an amazing friend. I Luh You!

Guilt

It's been 157 days since Aaron Kahila took his last breath.
You are constantly on my mind. As long as it's been this still doesn't feel real. Sometimes I still shake. I remember the last time I was with you. We were at Ashley's the day after camp ended. We all were. I had to wake up early and leave so I went around saying my goodbyes. You were passed out with Maria at the top of the stairs. I remember because I was tripping over you guys all night. Then in the morning we said goodbye, hugged and that was it.
I was so excited when you told me you were thinking about going to Northern. I should have bugged you about it more. Maybe if you came up here for school you would still be here. I know you would have loved it up here, it's amazing.
I remember discovering an old voicemail on my phone when you guys all called me and passed the phone around. It made me cry when I got it the first time, out of joy of course, finding it now broke me down. I just sat there replaying it and replaying it. You brought so much joy in my life Paaron. Yes I still call you Paaron. Did you ever notice the only people who got stuck with the "P" phase were me, you, Paubrie and Parah. Hah. I still remember the way you used to say my name. I'll never forget it. I would yell Paaron! and you would yell Pangie! I miss you so much Aaron. So unbelievably much.
I remember that one night on the dock.  I'll never forget it. It was just you, Sarah and I. The full conversation has slipped my memory but I remember saying "It's all in the life of a sever depressive, ain't it great." (referring to myself) I said the last part very sarcastically. But I remember your response clear as day. "No, it sucks." The way you said it still makes my heart drop. It was nice to know we had something in common. But I should have taken it more seriously. I should have noticed. I should have helped. But it is forever too late. We should have sat down, we probably have a lot more feelings like that in common than we thought. I should have helped.
Though we only knew each other for two years I feel like I've learned so much from you. Your ability to love is greater than anyone I know. You truly wear your heart on your sleeve. I hope to someday find someone who knows how to love like you, straight from the heart. I'm a better person from having met you. You've changed my life in more ways than you know are possible. I'm glad to have such an amazing guardian angel. I love you Aaron. Always and Forever.