Guilt

It's been 157 days since Aaron Kahila took his last breath.
You are constantly on my mind. As long as it's been this still doesn't feel real. Sometimes I still shake. I remember the last time I was with you. We were at Ashley's the day after camp ended. We all were. I had to wake up early and leave so I went around saying my goodbyes. You were passed out with Maria at the top of the stairs. I remember because I was tripping over you guys all night. Then in the morning we said goodbye, hugged and that was it.
I was so excited when you told me you were thinking about going to Northern. I should have bugged you about it more. Maybe if you came up here for school you would still be here. I know you would have loved it up here, it's amazing.
I remember discovering an old voicemail on my phone when you guys all called me and passed the phone around. It made me cry when I got it the first time, out of joy of course, finding it now broke me down. I just sat there replaying it and replaying it. You brought so much joy in my life Paaron. Yes I still call you Paaron. Did you ever notice the only people who got stuck with the "P" phase were me, you, Paubrie and Parah. Hah. I still remember the way you used to say my name. I'll never forget it. I would yell Paaron! and you would yell Pangie! I miss you so much Aaron. So unbelievably much.
I remember that one night on the dock.  I'll never forget it. It was just you, Sarah and I. The full conversation has slipped my memory but I remember saying "It's all in the life of a sever depressive, ain't it great." (referring to myself) I said the last part very sarcastically. But I remember your response clear as day. "No, it sucks." The way you said it still makes my heart drop. It was nice to know we had something in common. But I should have taken it more seriously. I should have noticed. I should have helped. But it is forever too late. We should have sat down, we probably have a lot more feelings like that in common than we thought. I should have helped.
Though we only knew each other for two years I feel like I've learned so much from you. Your ability to love is greater than anyone I know. You truly wear your heart on your sleeve. I hope to someday find someone who knows how to love like you, straight from the heart. I'm a better person from having met you. You've changed my life in more ways than you know are possible. I'm glad to have such an amazing guardian angel. I love you Aaron. Always and Forever.