This is what gets to me.

Sleep is supposed to be the best escape. Like people say it's like being dead for a while just without the commitment. But it's not like that for me. 

As I drift off into the land of mindful lucidity I become subject to the minds torture. Not even everything is bad, I mean sure I have nightmares, but this type of pain just builds and builds. I'm so irritable right now and seeing my mistakes haunt me night after night, like a reminder of how much I suck, it's driving me insane. 

I'm so mad all the time.

I'm so mad

How Polar of Me

It took me a while to believe and accept the fact that I have Bi-polar. Now that I know more about it and know more about myself its been easier to see.
In a matter of moments I can go from feeling invincible to completely broken.
Sometimes even at the same time. I can literally feel that exact moment my mentality switches. It's almost as if the life is being sucked right out of you.
I've been impressed lately with my ability to put a smile on even when it feels like life is irrelevant. Yes I do this to cover up my feelings but there's no use in letting everyone know how weak I feel when in a couple hours I'll be running around, joking and feeling fine. This is my problem and my life. I'm learning how to handle it.
But at night while I'm laying in bed alone I beg for it to be different. I dream of a mind that didn't seem like a maze and a life in which my emotions feel justified and not like a magic 8 ball.
I just want to be myself and it's been hell trying to admit that this is me. This is what I am. This is my normal.