Faith in my Faithlessness

I was raised in a christian home.
I spent most my life waking up early on a Sunday morning, sitting on a cold church pew as a preacher spoke at me. Saying whats right and whats wrong. Singing songs praising this figure they call their God.
I'm not trying to bash on religious people. I in fact hold them in great esteem, you see, at least they have something to believe in.
Something that gives them hope.
Though I spent many years being brought up in such an influential environment, christianity never really stuck with me. It could be the rebellious part of being a kid. I mean who wants to be told how to live their life when your still figuring out what life is.
My entire life I've been told stories of how God has changed someones life. And that second they laid down their heart to him it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders. I guess this is one spot where I've always gotten lost. I've tried to live up to my family's good christian name. Back then my mother was known for having very strong faith. I gave it my all and I gave him my heart.
But I felt nothing.
I was at an end. I fell to my knees and asked for help but instead of feeling forgiveness I felt like trash that had been tossed out and left to whatever my fate was besides heaven.
Such thing happened several times before I started to question what I was doing with my life.
Do I believe in God?
I honestly don't know. But if God knows my plan for me then he probably knows that I'll screw up. Thats why he didn't give me a chance. Maybe God knows that it's not even worth giving me a shot of forgiveness because it will just lead to more sin and poor life choices. Wouldn't surprise me.
But I couldn't lie when I say that christianity has shaped my life in small ways. Sure I may not choose to believe in anything right now but I do have a statement.
I am a good person.
If thats not good enough then send me to hell.

A fate in which the world may never understand.

Another one taken.
Yeah, I say taken when in fact it was a choice.
Another one gone.
Yeah, gone, even though your true light stays within.
One by one I count as I see another teen leave this earth.
I can't imagine your family, your sisters. What they feel. If they feel anything at all.
Your friends. My friends.
It hurts me to see them go through this, again.
And you.
I wish there was something we could have done.
Nobody deserves a fate like this.
To feel so hopeless.
So rundown.
Thinking nobody understands and nobody ever will.

I don't want to sound like an ass. But I understand.
A common ground is found and I understand.
I wish something could be done. I know sometimes it feels like this pain will never end. You feel trapped, betrayed but someday things will finally seem worth it. It just takes getting over the mountain to see that.
Someone always cares.
I'm sorry Blair. I truly am

Rest Peacefully Blair.

You Be The Anchor

I feel like no matter how many times I listen to this song I will never get tired of it. All summer I played it over and over. It really reminds me of summer 2011. Love this song.

The Long Walk

So I was walking home last night. I was so overwhelmed with things. I got hit by one of the worst feelings. It came fast. I needed to go.
It didn't take long for me to start crying. Weakness. Gotta love it.
I felt as if it was not worth it. Staying here. Anywhere.
Everywhere I go I feel the same. No matter how amazing it is. No matter how amazing my friends are.
I end up the same.
I'm not meant for this.
Give me a fucking break.
Why me.
And when things started to turn for the worst. I looked to my right and I could see you there.
Aaron I've never needed you more in my life and you were there. I could feel your arm on my shoulder.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. You prevented the inevitable. And when I told myself  "No, this must be a dream." I looked up and saw a star shoot across the sky.
I miss you.

I don't know what to think. What to feel.

Fuck this rut.
I thought it would be easier.

It's not easy.
Why can't I stop.
Why did I start again. 
I can't handle this.
I've heard the phrase "you're strong" and friends have even said that they think I'm one of the strongest people they know. It happened even last night.
Don't make me laugh.
I'm not sure how that makes me feel. It makes me wonder if they're wondering why the hell I'm still here. I should have been gone a long time ago. 
Then that makes me wonder why I'm still holding on.
Can I take this much longer?
Fuck being strong. I'm weak.
So weak. 
Am I meant to hold on at all.
It's useless.
Maybe I'm just here to teach people a lesson in the end.
Because one day. This will come to an end.

Blank Stares

Sometimes I stare into space.

I do it a lot actually.

I don't really think when I do it. I'm more so replaying something in my head.

It could be anything. A simple memory. Something I miss. Or someone.

It happens a lot.

These blank stares.

Turning a new leaf, Taking the first step, Whatever you wanna call it...

So i'm in this rut.
And I want to get out of this rut.
So I am.
There are too many times I sit there letting my mind become to overwhelmed with emotions.
""Your not good enough.""
""Why don't you stop fucking up.""
""Who could love you.""
I need to stop getting wrapped up in the down side so easily and let life live.
The best way to get better is to just keep it positive and dream like it wasn't a dream at all.
But a reality.
I need that reality.

Mentally Stable

This is something that has been on my mind for a while. Am I mentally stable?

This subject arose while talking to on of my mentee's this summer. Of course the subject itself did not come up about me. That is not something I would talk about so much with a young high schooler. But the subject is always there if he ever wanted to talk.

But the gist of the conversation started about another boy who was just starting out this year working at camp. I talk to him frequently. He always asks for help and advise about his depression and cutting. I was always there to help as much as I could and was very aware of everything. 

Talking to this other young staff member ,who was friends with the kid, lead to him worrying about if his friend was mentally stable enough to handle a cabin of children. But I entrusted to him that I thought he was ready and could handle anything.  And he was. 

But with me remains the thought. Am I mentally stable enough to do what I do?....If my boss knew how things were would she even have hired me?.... If she found this page would I ever be hired back?

Am I mentally stable enough to work with children? Maybe working with kids is what keeps me stable. It makes me happy. Seeing them play, learn, grow. I train teenagers how to be leaders. I lead a leadership staff and a summer camp. If a 16 year old kid is worried about his friends mental capabilities of taking over a cabin, how much trust would I lose if he knew his supervisor was just as unstable if not worse.
Who would I lose?

Confessions

Forgetting What Brought Me Here

I remember those days when I was entertained for hours, just by keeping my eye behind the lens. Nothing else mattered. I just wanted to get home from school and mess around with my camera for hours on end. Once school was out till my mom forced me to go to my room at night. Which I still ended up taking pictures. It was new to me and I loved it. I never really had art in high school, ever. Which is funny because now I'm an Art major. Thats how much I loved it. I'll never forget those days where photography was a passion that kept me going. It's not like it's completely gone but until I get a working camera it kind of is.
 I miss it so much.

My Portfolios
http://www.photosig.com/go/users/view?id=310420

Without You I Am Miserable At Best

Déjà vu uv àjéD

So I see this happening again.
I have really good friends.
But all of them have other really good friends.
When the tables turn.
I get left behind.
Happened in high school.
Guess it's just history repeating itself.
Please.
Not again.

September 5th, 2011

I almost did it. I almost deleted every friend under the age of 16 from my facebook page. Sounds stupid, I know. But I can’t have them looking up to someone like me. They ask me for advice. Talk to me. Ask for help. Everything I've always wanted to be for the younger generation. 

A Role Model. 

Those kids deserve better. And maybe if I removed them they could start forgetting that one person they might have looked up to.

There's nothing here you want to look up to.

Nothing.

It's so easy to give advice once you've been through certain things. Having little kids come to me with there problems at school with bullying and depression, love and loss. I've never found it hard to give them straight answers. A few have even come to me about cutting and suicide. It's all very unsettling, but I try my best to help them. They deserve so much more. Someone to show them whats right. Someone real.

Hypocrisy. My friend. Is me.

To The Home I Love

For nine years I've had the privilege of waking up to a beautiful sunrise over Corey Lake. I can't explain how much I love this place and the people there. Now this may sound funny, it's just a summer camp. How have I developed a connection like this?
For the past nine years Camp Wakeshma has been my escape.
Whether it was one week as a camper or an entire summer as a staff member each year has surpassed the last. It's hard to think that it could get better but somehow it always does. But each summer is irreplaceable in my heart. This place keeps me going.
I owe my life to this place.
Again I was that awkward kid who didn't have many friends. Camp Wakeshma was one of the first places I was offered acceptance. People didn't care what clique you were in or how you dressed. All we cared about was how much free time was left and if we could pass notes during rest period. As a young kid it was good to finally feel like I belonged. Then once I became a staff member I felt as if everything clicked. I finally made a good choice. I'm glad my boss has more confidence in me than I do. I would have never seen myself in this position five years ago. I probably would have laughed if someone said I was the future program director. I know this has to sound cheesy and cliché but for a severely depressed teenager a place like this can really form and shape your life. My life would be drastically different if I never stepped foot at Wakeshma. I wouldn't have many friends. I wouldn't be studying at Northern right now, I honestly probably wouldn't even be in college at all. In all honesty I don't think I would even be here. As scary as that sounds it's the truth.
I owe my life to this place.
I owe Camp Wakeshma for making me who I am.
The memories I have are endless.
The kids always put a smile on my face.
And the friends I have are forever. Family.

I will never forget this place.