I Just Want To Feel Okay

February 27th, 2008
"Okay , I have finally accepted that my life is an official train wreck. Everything this year is just piling on, one thing right after another and it's just to much. My scatter thought brain and sleepless nights are finally taken their toll, and each and everyday feels as if its longer. I cant even think of the words to say to get this off my chest. It's just to complicated. I cant wait until this awful endless winter is gone and i can sit outside with my guitar and see the stars and finally get the words i need to say to tell the people i care about, i love them. Friends are becoming scarce at school and my two bestest friends are leaving and that will be an endless depression until things are right again. When that will happen, I dont know . 
But things really never have been right so I dont expect anything to come"


I've been thinking about this old blog post a bit. I remember this time in my life. It really did feel endless. Some statements in this really break down some feelings for me. When I said that my friends leaving will be my endless depression. It's crazy how things like that stick. How is it that I can't keep you guys off my mind. It's been four years since we've been together and I miss you both. It just feels like you both completely left me out of your lives. Yeah, you left, I could deal with that. But going years at a time without you trying to contact me at all, killed me on the inside. It's in past tense for a reason. I'm over it. It's horrible to think that it's been so long that I had no choice but to move on. Then maybe one day if you remember who I am you'll say hello. Maybe remember those times we shared. The times when we felt invincible to the world because we didn't know what the world had to offer. My invincibility is gone, but I hope you kept yours. Then hopefully one day we can all remember what it's like to be together again. Maybe I'll remember why my hearts been holding on for so long. Far past exhausted, I had seemed to forgotten. 

I just want to write.

It's been a while since I've actually posted something on here. It's not that I'm not writing, believe me there are a lot more drafts on here than actual posts. I just can't seem to finish what I'm writing.

Black and Mild heart to hearts are pretty much my favorite.
Me and my friend Shane have them quite a bit. Our last one still kinda leaves me hanging.
I need to establish myself.
I'm a good artist I just need to finally get things rolling and do things. Get more of my art out there for people to see. I'm just not sure how to go about it.
Hopefully I will find a way.

LMC

It's hard to think back to those days.
Those days when I thought I would never stop crying.
I guess I never really have stopped.

Thinking back to those days that linger in my mind like a nightmare.
Two years ago I lost my first close friend.
And images that I have never seen before still burn in my eyes.

It's not like this was my first funeral.
I've seen many family members waste away from age or illness.
Sometimes it seems that death is the best way.
Not this time.

This was not like any other visitation I had been to.
Instead of acceptance and grief, anger and disbelief fell over a room full of questions.
No words had to be said. As I stood in a group of my friends that filled half of the room.
We stood silent. Someone else walks in and the circle breaks up into an explosion of hugs and tears.

I remember your mother.
I didn't know who she was at the time but it didn't take me long to figure out as she fell to the ground in front of your casket.
People scattered around to help as someone brought a chair to sit her on.
For the rest of the night she sat there holding your hand as if she would never let go.
A sight so hard to watch. As if you just heard the cracking of her broken heart echo throughout the room.

I remember Kyle walking back into the room after he disappeared.
I'm so glad you brought him to us. A great addition to our crazy camp family.
He was holding his hand. In an emotionless frozen stance just staring.
As if the pain from the brick wall and broken heart could never hurt as much as seeing you like that.

Rows of our camp family sit to say goodbye. People line the room, shoulder to shoulder.
Guess I never really stopped crying.

L.M.C.

Maybe I Need You

Deep Woods, Deep Thought

For the first time this semester I finally found a chance to get away. Walking along muddy banks. Standing there as the world rushes around me but I stand frozen. I forgot why I came here.
I came here to get away.
For the first couple years at northern I would be so happy to be where I was that I would go hike after classes. Go exploring to set my mind free. There's something about it up here, I just love it.
Now that my classes are harder and longer I barley have time to just get away. Even on this little hike I felt like I banished some of my metal barriers and have a new portfolio idea I'm working on.
Sometimes all it takes is getting away.
Even if others don't know where you are.
Even if you don't know where you are.
Just getting away.

New Blog

I'm not gonna abandon this blog but I am also starting a new one. This one is dedicated to the things that make me happy, no shame in it. This will still remain as my main blog but I think this new blog will set a new tone and hey, maybe there will be a post about you. But it's all More Than A Journey.

The Things That Make Me Happy