I Just Want To Feel Okay

February 27th, 2008
"Okay , I have finally accepted that my life is an official train wreck. Everything this year is just piling on, one thing right after another and it's just to much. My scatter thought brain and sleepless nights are finally taken their toll, and each and everyday feels as if its longer. I cant even think of the words to say to get this off my chest. It's just to complicated. I cant wait until this awful endless winter is gone and i can sit outside with my guitar and see the stars and finally get the words i need to say to tell the people i care about, i love them. Friends are becoming scarce at school and my two bestest friends are leaving and that will be an endless depression until things are right again. When that will happen, I dont know . 
But things really never have been right so I dont expect anything to come"


I've been thinking about this old blog post a bit. I remember this time in my life. It really did feel endless. Some statements in this really break down some feelings for me. When I said that my friends leaving will be my endless depression. It's crazy how things like that stick. How is it that I can't keep you guys off my mind. It's been four years since we've been together and I miss you both. It just feels like you both completely left me out of your lives. Yeah, you left, I could deal with that. But going years at a time without you trying to contact me at all, killed me on the inside. It's in past tense for a reason. I'm over it. It's horrible to think that it's been so long that I had no choice but to move on. Then maybe one day if you remember who I am you'll say hello. Maybe remember those times we shared. The times when we felt invincible to the world because we didn't know what the world had to offer. My invincibility is gone, but I hope you kept yours. Then hopefully one day we can all remember what it's like to be together again. Maybe I'll remember why my hearts been holding on for so long. Far past exhausted, I had seemed to forgotten. 

Forgiven

Maybe it's because I've grown up. Maybe it's because I feel like I barley know you anymore but the years have flown by and I think I'm ready to say it.
Reading my blog entries of you leaving brought back so many different feelings, some still make me tear up.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
I've seen you once in the past four years and I let my feelings overtake me rather than actually seeing how you were. I turned and walked away when I should have given you a hug.
I'm sorry but it was just too hard. If only you knew how hard. I couldn't even talk for an hour or two after we ran into each other. People kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even respond.
You were my best friend.
It's hard to see posts like this. We used to be so close.

July 6th 2008: Who Are You
"Who are you to be judging me. You're the one who left. You're the one who brought my entire family to a screeching hault. You interupted me at work and left me "emotionally incapable". You're the one that left my mom screaming in painfull tears and cries on the ground and then almost breaks her leg against the couch. You're away in your little "safety" zone while all fuckin hell breaks loose here. And even though you hurt my family so bad when they were offering help, I still love you, I want to see you happy, I want to finally see you change back, you're different and i dont like it. You care too much about what people think about you, just be yourself, and come home."


I still love you. 

High School Drama

I'm going to start referencing some blog entries from my high school blog. I was going through some hard times and rereading them really makes me want to write about them again.

February 24th, 2009
"It's that time year again. It's been so long since i've been able to sit out and watch the stars. I long for those summer days where i can sit outside with my friends next to a camp fire until the sun rises. Latley I've been sitting outside on the roof with an empty spot beside me and i cant stop thinking. Will i ever find that friend. Sure i have friends but i need a friend i can trust, a friend that i can talk seriously with, a friend that wont leave me like i'm nothing. I had this feeling before about many of my friends but I was tired of getting left behind. To many times in my life I have had someone I would trust with my life leave me like theres no reason for it, and i'm sick of it. Look at this. Look at what your doing. You chose the feelings you got by the actions you took. You and You alone are responsible. I was forced to feel the way I feel. Your the reason I hurt. You forced me to realize
I always end up alone"


Sometimes I feel like this but I have many friends that mean the world to me. I love every single one of them and they can always put a smile on my face. 
Friends. You mean the world to me.