And once again I find a way to let you down...

I'm sorry

I Am Free

October 8th, 2012
I guess you can say
I did it
When I look back, it seems like not much has changed, but really thinking back to that night one year ago,
everything's different.
That one night changed everything for me, I guess you can say I'm a better person.
I have changed my thinking.
I now put energy and reason into living, because I realized something that night.
I don't want to die anymore.
Which is hard to say, because many people don't know that I ever wished that upon myself.
Let alone that it was something I've dealt with for 10 years.
This is the first year after an entire decade of a failed life that I have protected myself from my own bruised fists.
Not that I completely failed at life, but I never took the time to realize what life is.
The time to see how much is actually out there for me to want to wake up in the morning.
It was hard, there were many nights that I cried, I felt like I was losing everything at the same time and I almost did something stupid, but then someone reminded me that there is love out there, for me.
I always knew it was out there but I never thought it was for me because who could love me when I couldn't even love myself.
Flashback to one year ago and you will find me curled up in the bath tub worried more about how to get the blood out of my roommates carpet than why it wouldn't stop bleeding until I drifted off to sleep. I awoke with new purpose. New life. Since this time I have not laid a hand on myself.
Life has no purpose. Unless you give it purpose.
I sat years and waited for something to happen, something to remind me that I was useful. But until you make yourself feel useful and needed, it may never happen.
Everyone has purpose.
Everyone deserves life.
You make the choices.
You make your life.

Everythings Wrong

Ever since I can remember there has been this awesome feeling I get.
Everything I do is wrong.
Every minuet
of everyday.
I know in retrospect I can look back and try to make this feeling go away because there are things I have accomplished. I guess.
I feel like a drag on peoples lives.
I don't even know what I'm getting to here I just feel like I'm not meant anywhere.
I'm going to screw this up

I can hear the Silence

Life's been good.
I can't say I'd complain.
I have someone I love
Smiles are shared often
Life's good.
But I can't help but notice me changing again.
I sit around at one of my meetings and I'm silent
Most might not even notice, I'm usually a quieter person
but I can tell it's changing
Not only am I not talking I just don't have the want to do it
at all
I'm zoning out. Too much time thinking to myself and
that's never been a good thing.
It took me a week to notice I had been driving my car in silence.
No music, no nothing. Just thinking.
I can hear this silence.

Wish I could play like this

Something I Wrote

I guess I avoid you because in a matter of seconds you can destroy me. I know people say I'm strong, I can get through this. It shouldn't destroy me, but it does. Everyone tells me that there's always more fish in the sea but I know my chances of being alone again. I spent twenty years alone, twenty years. And I'll still never forget that first kiss in 1rst grade. Back when love didn't matter, but it did, we just didn't know what it was yet. We were love in it's purist form, before everyone told you what love was, influencing the very definition for your eyes. What love truly is. A word that can not be put into words but should be put into action.

Pet Lovers Anonymous

Ever since I was a little girl I was lucky enough to have parents that let me have pets. We had the family dogs and cats but it also came with hamsters, rats, fish, even hermit crabs. I loved the feeling of taking care of something and I was really good at it. I can't even think of a pet of mine that didn't make it to their old age before passing. But nothing tops the day where I finally adopted my first cat, Ellie. My friend Shane and I decided that we could finally handle a cat. We have our first house away from home and we thought it would be a good fit, and it was. She was better than we could have ever expected. She loved everyone in the house, loved all the attention. It seemed like everything was going so good.
But I messed up.
After all the drama I had to take Ellie away.
Our realtor found her and made me get rid of her so I took her to my parents. One of the hardest decisions I had ever made.  I could have been like the normal me, hide her for a while and bring her back, but this time I just couldn't risk to further my mistake and get my other roommates evicted if she was caught again.
This decision seriously still haunts me today. I can't help but think about how much I screwed up. How much I hurt my friends. And how much I hurt Ellie. I know this wasn't easy for anyone and the thought of how I just threw a bunch of extra responsibility to my parents makes me feel even worse. After everything happened I couldn't eat for about a week. I just felt sick all the time and I'm pretty sure every single smile I gave was a lie further than I could ever explain. Animals have a way straight to my heart and I miss Ellie more than anyone will ever know. The thought of coming back home everyday from class was a little less shitty when I looked forward to her sitting on me begging for attention and love. Ellie could even tell how I was feeling, even if it sounds crazy. Usually late at night Ellie would find herself in my bed, jumping up then making herself comfortable. One night I had a really bad night, I was crying. She made her way to my bed as usual but when she jumped up she immediately began licking my hand, she didn't stop, wouldn't stop. But it put a smile on my face as she lightly licked my cheek.
I can't believe how much I messed up.
I just want you back.

   

I don't get it.

I really don't get it.
I actually had to walk away from these words,
and I still don't get it.
I feel like my entire life I've done nothing but wake up each morning and remember how much I hate myself, and I've tried so hard to make this stop. But it never stops.
One step forward, ten steps back.
Thinking about taking a step forward, twenty steps back.
Not even thinking about the topic on a happy day, fifty steps back.
It can only take one word, not even a word, to remind myself that I am fucking useless.
Fucking Useless.
I really am. I believe it everyday.
I'm too afraid to do anything.
Anything.
I've been turned down, made fun of, ridiculed, assaulted, ignored, and laughed at for just walking around being me. Quiet, non-provoking me. But apparently my appearance says everything that everyone needs to hear around me. I don't even need to speak and everyone has already made up there minds of how they feel about me. I even try to smile because everyone says I look mean when I first meet them. But I guess my smile has nothing to do with it as well.

There is so much more to me than anyone thinks.
Anyone.
There are still things that I will never talk about. Never say. There are mistakes and moments even made many times during a normal day but I wont say a word because I even worry about my own friends making fun of me. I feel like I'm at a point when I can't take it anymore. Everyday just one little thing turns me from a good day to regretting my life. I really wish this feeling would leave me.
I really wish this feeling would leave me alone.

What I Should Have Said

Dad,
I often think about how I got here and how I could have never done this alone. It seems like time goes by so fast now and in little more than a year your baby girl is about to graduate college. I catch myself missing the times we would go fishing on Pine Creek, teaching me how to bait or getting to help dad in the garage, that was one of my favorites. But maybe just a little too soon you've seen me go from the innocence of a child to what I am today, whatever that is.
I never meant to disappoint you, but it feels like thats all I ever do now.  I'm sorry. I really am. Someday I hope to change this, me. I want you to be proud, proud of something. I just feel like I've left you with nothing, when you did everything. So many of my friends have never even met there father and I want you to know that I'm so very thankful for you. Everyday. So thankful for everything you've done. For being there.
I would have never gotten here without you and I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. For fathers day I sent you a card. A normal, super cheesy, ungrateful card. But I wish everyday I could have done something more. Just to show you that I do care. I do. One day I will make sure you know just how much I care. Thank you. Always.
Your imperfect daughter,
Angie

The Day I Thought I Lost You

It had been so long since we last talked.
Years.
But you were important to me just like I know I'm still important to you.
Since the summer of 2008 things have changed so much. I feel like you wouldn't even recognize the person I am today but I know the bond we had was strong. You were the only person I could relate to on so many levels. I do miss you, you know.
I remember nights of us endlessly playing music, talking, and laughing. Memories that I try to hold vivid in my mind but nothing blurred them like the day I got your text. I was sitting in my dorm TV room, and I swear you could see the color drain from my face.
"I love you. Goodbye."
I tried to keep my composure in front of my friends as I got up and left the room. Once the door shut behind me it only took seconds to hit. I called.
Called again.
and again.
I could tell you were sending me to voicemail but it didn't stop me from repeatedly calling.
and calling
and calling
I paced up and down the hall until I heard someone coming so I headed for my room, but that still left me face to face with one of my friends until I got there. She knew something was wrong but I kept walking.  With the slam of my giant blue door, there also came my break down as I slid down the door and fell onto the cold tile. The room was filled with darkness just like I felt the darkness taking over me. I kept calling.
and calling
and calling
I left messages, texts, everything. I had no idea what to do, I didn't even know where you were. It scared me out of my life and the fact that I know you would have done it if you gave yourself a reason to. I needed to get out so I ran from the dorms, found a spot in the woods, and called again.
and again
and again
I could tell your ring back was getting longer and longer, it scared me. Maybe you were drifting away slowly. I wanted to be there. To hold you. To help you. To tell you everything was okay.
I wasn't there for you.
It took me almost losing you to remember that I needed you so much. I NEVER meant to leave you out like I did. I NEVER meant for you to feel alone. I NEVER meant for you to feel like this.
I almost lost you that day. I almost lost myself.

I've destroyed my mind.
I hear people constantly saying "you only live once" and it scares me now that I'm living it, with this.
My one shot. One life. This.
I didn't mean for this to happen but years of constant abuse took it away from me. I messed up.
I can't get too mad, I was only a kid. But it's hard for me to not loose it every time I forget the littlest things. It's just like they were gone from my memory. I can laugh it off each and every time. But the truth is, it scares me.
Another day lost because I have no sense of time. Another odd question because I've forgotten where we're going. Another lap around the parking lot because I have no clue where I parked. Another opened beer because I had forgotten I just opened one. Another spilled glass of water because I had forgotten there was a glass there. But it's no use crying over spilled water. 
Never let bad tendencies take over just because you need relief from the world. In the end it might just take over.
I feel ruined.
It's my fault.

I keep telling myself.

I keep telling myself
It will get better

I keep telling myself
This is normal

Not just me
But a part of everyone

We all have times like this

I keep telling myself
It's just a dream
But

Is it just a dream even
When it effects my reality?

I'm afraid to sleep
Afraid to sleep sober

Sometimes it feels like it will never be the same.
I miss dreaming about sunshine
and playtime
About starry nights and
flying kites

What happened to that mind
That serenity

How does this stop?
Does it ever

What I need is patients.
When it comes to this I can't say sorry enough because I know it's hard to see from the sidelines but I can only focus on whats real.
This pain I feel. It's the only thing that seems real anymore.
Why can't I make it go away.
But each time it just seems like it's getting harder, digging deeper, taking more out of me every single day.
I wish to be normal.
I wish to be taken far away from these feelings.
But they never leave.
They never let me sleep.
Never let me live.
But they never seem to fail to embarrass me. Leave me whimpering like a child.
It's not fair.
It's not like it's easy to talk about this. These feelings left better off undescribed.

How am I supposed to believe anything you've said? I really have to stop doing this to myself. I do. I can't handle this. Be happy without me because I can't stand losing you again. I can't.
I can't.
Be happy
without me

My Story

We all have a story.

We all carry burdens.

We've all made mistakes.

We all have flaws.

But we were never meant to be perfect.

I tell myself this everyday but some days I still find me blaming myself for things I could never change to begin with.  I can't help it when it feels like depression has me at the throat and whatever I try to do just makes it worse. It's hard living a life that I created just to destroy and bring it back to life. I hit more bad days than good but you would never realize it from the outside. I feel like this has been happening so long that the routine is established permanently and I pull it off well. Wake up,  get out of bed, throw on a smile, laugh, and call it good. But there are days where I'm trapped by nothing more than my mind so I lay in bed curled up into a ball with fists clenched so tight they turn to bombs aimed at my body. I lay there legs held tight to my chest, body still, and refuse to move until I know my breath will reach another day. To afraid to move. To afraid of myself. This has been a war going on since I can ever remember but each time I get pushed a little further, pushed to exhaustion, pushed right back down when I've been trying so hard to just get my face out of the dirt let alone standing up.  But one day I will be up.

My story is never ending but to get to the end I must accept the beginning.

I accept that self harm has been my down fall but it's been my safety. I've been blessed with a second chance because i can finally see scars fading. Maybe one day they'll be gone. I guess I can only hope but I've gone far past destroying my body than just wearing longs sleeves to cover my mistakes. I know some scars go far beyond permanent when I wake up to 

I AM ALONE

I AM FORGOTTEN

Carved into the spot where it will remain forever, reminding me everyday that I felt this way.

Every inch of my body has taken the blown for self neglect.

I'm past this but it doesn't mean it's not hard anymore. If anything it's ten times harder because now I feel emotionless. I use to control my pain but now it's uncontrollable and it scares me.

It scares me.

Beyond this I'm turning my life around. But I'm almost to the point where I'm accepting that I can't do this on my own. I never wanted people to know about this but I feel like it helps writing about it. 

I'm writing this because I want anyone else who feels like this. Anyone who wakes up with a bulls eye on their wrist. I want them to know

You are NOT alone.

It's not easy but you have to remember it's not the end.

You have a chance every single day to chose how your story is going to end

and it's not here

not today

"You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy"

 

One day I wish that you will wake up
Rub the sleep from your beautiful eyes
Pull the blinds open for a dark place to greet the day
Stand at the window and smile as the sun is rising
Casting a golden shadow on every inch of the room
Happy, I want you to be happy.
From there your day will only get better
Go to classes you enjoy
Meet friends that complete your life
Or a job that makes your day
What ever it is
It's better
Later to be greeted by the one you were meant for
You'll spend the night together doing what ever you two will do
What ever makes you happy.
Because I will be gone and long forgotten by then
and all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy
Something you might not believe
But happy is better than I could ever be.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.
Every single day.
I just want to crawl back into bed like there's a magical exit I can try to find under my blankets.
Somewhere that will take me anywhere but here.
I'm exhausted.
I feel weak and broken.
I hurt all over.
I don't want to say but even trying to smile seems difficult now days.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being depressed.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being overweight.
I'm tired of being too damn nice when I know I shouldn't.
I'm tired of being so mad at myself that I never stand up for myself.
I'm tired of being emotionless.
I'm tired of feeling like I could cry every second. But I won't.
I'm tired of always feeling like this since i can ever remember.

I don't even know what I want to say.
But I feel like I need to say something. 

In my heart I know.

I'm Still Here

Nothing will hurt me more than the day my grandma told me "vote republican or don't come home". Then jokingly followed with "I know you will". And it makes me wonder if my family even knows me.  I'll always fear the day I will break her heart, but I don't think I can do it much longer. I want to come out to my family but I just have so much fear of losing them. And I know I will, in some sort of way or get some kind of religious ass chewing. I fear losing them but I also fear them losing me. Losing me for who I really am and replaced with thoughts of "she's confused right now" or "she needs to get her life together".
I'm still here.
I never have and never will change.

A Year of Thought

So it's been over a year now since I started this blog.  It's crazy how fast a year can go by now days. I remember feeling like I was gonna be a kid forever when I was growing up but now that I'm getting older I wish back to those days when I was young. I can't believe I'm going to be a senior in college next year. I feel like I just got here.

And then it hit...

It was a feeling.

A feeling I got when i saw the person to take over my job this year at camp.

He truly is an amazing guy. I've worked with him before. 

But now i can't shake this feeling. 

Of no matter what I decide now 

there's no going back. 

I'm going to miss it. 

My escape.

My home.

I can't even explain the feeling I get when one of my friends never even made it to their 18th birthday. It also amazes me that even in the 17 years you were here you accomplished so much, much more than I could have in my 20 years. Now I've accepted that this world is all but fair. The good really do die young and I spend every day and night wishing it were me instead of you.
It's weird how much you learn from someone once they're gone. I like to think I learned how to embrace life now. How to love everyone and everything because once it's gone, everything changes. Everything.
Today would have been your 20th birthday. I miss you Laurie. Happy Birthday.

If I Could Write

 Stay-Andrea Gibson

" Baby, there were nights when my pulse did not win, nights when my heart beat stained the kitchen floor bright red, but you once told me we are most alive in that split second before death."

130 Days. And You Can Still Smile.

I'm proud of you.
I really am.
As many times as I scream at you. Yelling you're not good enough. Reminding yourself how stupid you are and nothing is good to come.
I'm proud.
I'm proud because I never thought you could do it again. Once I caved I thought it was all over from here. Might as well not try.
I didn't think I was strong enough.
But it's been 130 days since I last hurt myself and I'm excited every time I can really smile.
I'm kept on edge at times but I know my friends won't let me fall again. I know if they knew when I was down they would be there, even if I don't give them a chance to see when I'm weak. I know how vulnerable people are when they show you weakness, and I take pride that people trust me enough to let me in. It's just gonna take me a while longer to be able to do it myself.
But for now. I'm happy. I'm proud.
And now I can walk around and wear my true smile.
Because some days that smile can make others truly smile. 

One Day

Thank you.
I know you probably don't remember me but we do see each other everyday. I guess you might know who I am but you might not remember that day you changed my thoughts. You lit a fire in the bottom of a hopeless kids heart.
And I thank you.
That one day when I got to class just a little too early and I caught myself again looking closely at some art hanging on the wall, and you caught me there once again because I swear I see you at least once a day. As I softly run my finger tips against intricate structures and wonder what I someday will make, then thats when you spoke to me. Simple.
" One day, that's gonna be your work up there."
Not knowing how to respond, you walked away quickly as if you wanted no response because I would have simply said "I wish." More encouragement from the art building janitor than any teacher has ever given me. And some nights, I have enough heart to believe her. Maybe there is hope in this hopeless kids heart. 

Okay...So scratch my last post.

There is about 13 minuets left of this Valentines Day.
And what did I do. Sit at home, down a six pack, and try to forget that I've never really had a true valentine. There were days when I was young and the innocence of two kids holding hands and exchanging overly cheesy Halmark cards was encouraged, but I never truly called it love.
I never truly had the feeling of what to do when I was in love. But today I feel like I could have shown how my heart feels. Overwhelming feelings of me wanting to hide flowers around your room just so I can imagine the smile on your face when you find them.
Halmark cards, not for you darling. For you I would make a masterpiece, fold it in half, write nothing but Love on the front and hope it makes your heart feel the way Mine does when you look me in the eyes. I'd do nothing but hope no matter what happens to me you could hold that masterpiece close to your heart and never let go.
I wish that you never let go.
With three minuets left in this day that I say I hate, but it's because I've never been given the chance to love.

Valentines

knlnbjk

Behind Closed Doors

Sometimes I don't understand how I can hate my hometown so much.
 I do feel regret sometimes for not visiting more. It actually makes me feel like a complete ass.

But whenever I go to that town I remember every reason I left it in the first place.
THE PEOPLE
It's not like everyone there is the same. This by no means goes to everyone, but is there something in the water that makes everything you say rude?
It's hard to travel back to a place where people called me fag more than my name.
I hate that word.
People look at me and hate me.
Judged solely on appearance and never given a chance for eighteen years.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me realize I didn't belong here. Without you I wouldn't have found Northern and I would be stuck in that pathetic excuse of a town.
THE PAST
I guess my past has a lot to do with people, but it still is a totally different concept.
Sitting in my room is a very uncomforting feeling.
What happened behind these closed doors formed lifestyle I wish to forget.
A life of hatred. Hate so deep that it's gonna take a lifetime to heal.
Back when everyday was a bad day. A big hopeless trap.
When cuts, bruises, and risk were daily relief from everything.
I guess I felt like I was getting what I deserved, even if it was from myself.
That if people always had a problem with me then I must broken.
And there was no way to fix me.
People forced me to believe things that were never true. Things about myself.
Turning my own thoughts against me. Forming the perfect outcast. Telling me where I belonged.
Giving me no choice.
Behind these closed doors I changed.

And I hope one day, mom, you'll realize why I left.
I wasn't running away. I was protecting your baby.
That town is dead to me because if I was still there I would be dead to it.