I don't get it.

I really don't get it.
I actually had to walk away from these words,
and I still don't get it.
I feel like my entire life I've done nothing but wake up each morning and remember how much I hate myself, and I've tried so hard to make this stop. But it never stops.
One step forward, ten steps back.
Thinking about taking a step forward, twenty steps back.
Not even thinking about the topic on a happy day, fifty steps back.
It can only take one word, not even a word, to remind myself that I am fucking useless.
Fucking Useless.
I really am. I believe it everyday.
I'm too afraid to do anything.
Anything.
I've been turned down, made fun of, ridiculed, assaulted, ignored, and laughed at for just walking around being me. Quiet, non-provoking me. But apparently my appearance says everything that everyone needs to hear around me. I don't even need to speak and everyone has already made up there minds of how they feel about me. I even try to smile because everyone says I look mean when I first meet them. But I guess my smile has nothing to do with it as well.

There is so much more to me than anyone thinks.
Anyone.
There are still things that I will never talk about. Never say. There are mistakes and moments even made many times during a normal day but I wont say a word because I even worry about my own friends making fun of me. I feel like I'm at a point when I can't take it anymore. Everyday just one little thing turns me from a good day to regretting my life. I really wish this feeling would leave me.
I really wish this feeling would leave me alone.