My Story

We all have a story.

We all carry burdens.

We've all made mistakes.

We all have flaws.

But we were never meant to be perfect.

I tell myself this everyday but some days I still find me blaming myself for things I could never change to begin with.  I can't help it when it feels like depression has me at the throat and whatever I try to do just makes it worse. It's hard living a life that I created just to destroy and bring it back to life. I hit more bad days than good but you would never realize it from the outside. I feel like this has been happening so long that the routine is established permanently and I pull it off well. Wake up,  get out of bed, throw on a smile, laugh, and call it good. But there are days where I'm trapped by nothing more than my mind so I lay in bed curled up into a ball with fists clenched so tight they turn to bombs aimed at my body. I lay there legs held tight to my chest, body still, and refuse to move until I know my breath will reach another day. To afraid to move. To afraid of myself. This has been a war going on since I can ever remember but each time I get pushed a little further, pushed to exhaustion, pushed right back down when I've been trying so hard to just get my face out of the dirt let alone standing up.  But one day I will be up.

My story is never ending but to get to the end I must accept the beginning.

I accept that self harm has been my down fall but it's been my safety. I've been blessed with a second chance because i can finally see scars fading. Maybe one day they'll be gone. I guess I can only hope but I've gone far past destroying my body than just wearing longs sleeves to cover my mistakes. I know some scars go far beyond permanent when I wake up to 

I AM ALONE

I AM FORGOTTEN

Carved into the spot where it will remain forever, reminding me everyday that I felt this way.

Every inch of my body has taken the blown for self neglect.

I'm past this but it doesn't mean it's not hard anymore. If anything it's ten times harder because now I feel emotionless. I use to control my pain but now it's uncontrollable and it scares me.

It scares me.

Beyond this I'm turning my life around. But I'm almost to the point where I'm accepting that I can't do this on my own. I never wanted people to know about this but I feel like it helps writing about it. 

I'm writing this because I want anyone else who feels like this. Anyone who wakes up with a bulls eye on their wrist. I want them to know

You are NOT alone.

It's not easy but you have to remember it's not the end.

You have a chance every single day to chose how your story is going to end

and it's not here

not today

"You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy"