Faith in my Faithlessness

I was raised in a christian home.
I spent most my life waking up early on a Sunday morning, sitting on a cold church pew as a preacher spoke at me. Saying whats right and whats wrong. Singing songs praising this figure they call their God.
I'm not trying to bash on religious people. I in fact hold them in great esteem, you see, at least they have something to believe in.
Something that gives them hope.
Though I spent many years being brought up in such an influential environment, christianity never really stuck with me. It could be the rebellious part of being a kid. I mean who wants to be told how to live their life when your still figuring out what life is.
My entire life I've been told stories of how God has changed someones life. And that second they laid down their heart to him it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders. I guess this is one spot where I've always gotten lost. I've tried to live up to my family's good christian name. Back then my mother was known for having very strong faith. I gave it my all and I gave him my heart.
But I felt nothing.
I was at an end. I fell to my knees and asked for help but instead of feeling forgiveness I felt like trash that had been tossed out and left to whatever my fate was besides heaven.
Such thing happened several times before I started to question what I was doing with my life.
Do I believe in God?
I honestly don't know. But if God knows my plan for me then he probably knows that I'll screw up. Thats why he didn't give me a chance. Maybe God knows that it's not even worth giving me a shot of forgiveness because it will just lead to more sin and poor life choices. Wouldn't surprise me.
But I couldn't lie when I say that christianity has shaped my life in small ways. Sure I may not choose to believe in anything right now but I do have a statement.
I am a good person.
If thats not good enough then send me to hell.