Make Or Break

It's days like today where all progress made towards a better life can fail. Where you feel like you've built a pretty good set of stairs, then once you take your first step you find out you've made them out of sand. Nothing lay beneath you but a pile of your shattered hopes and dreams. It's days like today that you know when the real you is over come by a depressive demon that feeds on your inner core. I was happy yesterday, why today?
Sitting in class today I could notice the change. I felt hopeless even though my friends offer me nothing but hope. I felt alone even though I have friends that would do anything for me. I felt forgotten even though I've been told about the impact I've been making. Why does this happen to me? I just want to be alright. I want to feel "normal" (even though I hate that word).  Low self esteem waits for these moments to flourish. Nothing better to add to this day than ripping myself to shreds. Normally at that point I would cut myself. These are the low days. These are my weakness. They used to be everyday until I decided to Make or Break.
It sucks having depression. I know I have it. I just will never admit it to a doctor. Or even worse my mother. Deep inside I know she knows, but I hate showing weakness to her. I want her to know she raised the perfect daughter. Even though I stand far from it. I don't want to risk getting on some sketch anti-depressant that gives me even more suicidal thoughts. I don't want to risk my life, not any more. In September of 2010 I decided to quit cutting. It's not the first time I tried but so far it's been successful. Soon after that I quit smoking. Good things just kept happening. So I decided that when I hit a day like this. When I feel Hopeless, Alone, Forgotten, I can choose to make myself, or break myself. I know I'm already broken beyond recognition but I've been spending everyday piecing back together the life I know I can have. The life where I'm happy. Where I can truly love myself for being me. I choose to make myself.