Changing MY Life.

For many months now I've been on a journey of self discovery. Through countless tales of mistakes, triumphs, pill bottles, I've found myself back at the start.

But that does not leave me broken. 

I maxed out and flat lined on another prescription so what better to do than go off my meds completely and be myself for a while. The medications didn't bother me, they just quit working. It's switching from med to med that has been unbearable. Now that I've cleared the last of my meds from my system I'm feeling much better. Going to the counselor did help a lot but it just may not be for me. The first few sessions I opened up and filled my crazy into the room and stuttered, and cried and felt more vulnerable than I ever had before but it didn't take long for me to start closing up, lying, and putting a smile on like everything was being fixed. I stopped going.

It's hard to not beat myself up over this. I tried so hard to find help. I left everyone I knew, everything I loved and still ended up empty handed kicking myself in the ass wishing I could just make it all stop..
So where do I go from here?
I've been working on confidence, I've been losing weight, singing, dancing, creating, I'm really proud of myself and the things I've done.
But this doesn't change the fact that I seem to always choose the worst decisions for myself. Things that grow on the inside and are so easy to hide away. I've been too impressed by my ability to put a smile on nowadays.
My way of fighting back from this mental curse is living without regret. When I put things into actions and words, it happened, it's out, nothing I can do about it after that fact. But nothing eats away at myself worse than not following through, remaining action less, doing nothing.
So I've challenged myself. To do it. Whatever crazy thought that runs through my crazy head, small or big. Life is way too damn short to keep regretting the things you didn't do.
I can't sit here and do nothing anymore. I force myself into peoples lives, for myself. I go out and have fun, for myself, even if no one wants to go. I need to do this for myself.
For me.
For this.
For life.

I lost myself
for a while
I'm still lost
I don't even know what to do
In these past couple years so much has changed, things have been constantly transforming including myself. It seems I've let certain things go that were everything I had at moments. Music. Writing. Art. Love. All of it.
I'm out of whack and I need to fix it.
Hell I haven't even written on this thing. Sometimes I forget how cleansing it can be.
I know this won't fix everything, especially if I sit here and expect it to fix itself. I've got nothing to live for but I've got nothing to loose so here's to starting from square one. Here's what I need to fix.
Music I think I finally figured out why singing in front of people is so hard for me. I know I'm shy so that doesn't help but I believe the main reason is how much of an emotional thing music is for me. I tend to let things build up inside of me. I've never really been a person to talk to myself, or scream when nobody's around. I'm silent. I'm used to it, it's me. But when I play guitar and sing I feel as if I'm finally able to get something off my chest. The songs I love to play are extremely personal. So playing for someone I feel like I'm letting them into this place that nobody has seen. Every songs a different portal to see inside of some of my darkest places.
I want to work on this.  I want to be able to play in front of people, friends, open mic nights. I would just love to feel confident in being able to do that. It's going to be hard but I need to start doing this.
Writing Last night I went through my shoe box. This box was full of anything that has ever really meant something to me. Piles of notes, cards, odds and ends, love letters, and so on. After getting past little things from my college years I got to the bottom. Nobody would probably look twice at the ripped up scraps of paper, napkins, but yet the closer you get the worn down words of a lost soul were written on any piece of parchment I could find. Why was it so easy for me to just write in high school. There are days where I wish I could find the words that I used to. Journal after journal sit on my bookshelf filled with half written songs and napkin poems. These books have barely had a new entry since I started college. I know that I got busy but this isn't something I want to loose. I need to write.
I want to work on this. I know it's there in me I just need to push a little more. A new step that I want to take is spoken word poetry. It's hard to even think of myself standing in front of people and reciting a poem, let alone one of my own. I might start with some of my favorite poems from others to get used to talking and who knows maybe someday you'll see me up at an open mic night spilling my own heart out on stage. I love how powerful words can be and I want to embrace that.
Art Lately I've been blocked. I sit down, set up things, I'm all ready to go. Then I fail myself and at the end of the night still rest a blank page. Artist blocks can be a challenging wall to bust through but I can't let it crush my spirit. Until my tanks get set up for metal I'll be a little lost. I just need something new to keep me occupied but I can't forget this is what I want my lively hood to be. I want to be an artist. I love to create.
I want to work on this. Now I'm in an area that is surrounded by opportunities great for any inspiring artist. I might even be teaching some classes soon which could be amazing.
Love I know I screwed up a good thing. I just said goodbye to every friend I've made for the past five years as I packed my car to move to better opportunities. But that hardest goodbye was you. I drove around waiting for you to text me because there's no way I could have left that town without a goodbye. It's been months and I  know I shouldn't be as affected by you as I am. But I am. Everyone tells me it takes time. Feelings will fade. I guess whats hardest is not knowing if my feelings will. What if that never happens. It's been months and I can't say I've felt the slightest difference. I wanted to kiss you so bad before I left, I guess it's a good thing now that I didn't. I'm not sure I'm cut out for love. I really don't want to do it anymore and this was just my first relationship. I can't imagine opening up like I did, feeling everything I felt, and I'm still the one who left and made myself feel this devastated. I hope you enjoyed my heart because you're the only one who's gotten it and probably the only person who ever will. I'm sorry. I really am. I hope you find someone who treats you right and I hope you are happy. I hope you are so happy. I hope you the best. Please don't forget me.