I'm tired.

I'm tired.
Every single day.
I just want to crawl back into bed like there's a magical exit I can try to find under my blankets.
Somewhere that will take me anywhere but here.
I'm exhausted.
I feel weak and broken.
I hurt all over.
I don't want to say but even trying to smile seems difficult now days.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being depressed.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being overweight.
I'm tired of being too damn nice when I know I shouldn't.
I'm tired of being so mad at myself that I never stand up for myself.
I'm tired of being emotionless.
I'm tired of feeling like I could cry every second. But I won't.
I'm tired of always feeling like this since i can ever remember.

I don't even know what I want to say.
But I feel like I need to say something. 

In my heart I know.

I'm Still Here

Nothing will hurt me more than the day my grandma told me "vote republican or don't come home". Then jokingly followed with "I know you will". And it makes me wonder if my family even knows me.  I'll always fear the day I will break her heart, but I don't think I can do it much longer. I want to come out to my family but I just have so much fear of losing them. And I know I will, in some sort of way or get some kind of religious ass chewing. I fear losing them but I also fear them losing me. Losing me for who I really am and replaced with thoughts of "she's confused right now" or "she needs to get her life together".
I'm still here.
I never have and never will change.

A Year of Thought

So it's been over a year now since I started this blog.  It's crazy how fast a year can go by now days. I remember feeling like I was gonna be a kid forever when I was growing up but now that I'm getting older I wish back to those days when I was young. I can't believe I'm going to be a senior in college next year. I feel like I just got here.

And then it hit...

It was a feeling.

A feeling I got when i saw the person to take over my job this year at camp.

He truly is an amazing guy. I've worked with him before. 

But now i can't shake this feeling. 

Of no matter what I decide now 

there's no going back. 

I'm going to miss it. 

My escape.

My home.

I can't even explain the feeling I get when one of my friends never even made it to their 18th birthday. It also amazes me that even in the 17 years you were here you accomplished so much, much more than I could have in my 20 years. Now I've accepted that this world is all but fair. The good really do die young and I spend every day and night wishing it were me instead of you.
It's weird how much you learn from someone once they're gone. I like to think I learned how to embrace life now. How to love everyone and everything because once it's gone, everything changes. Everything.
Today would have been your 20th birthday. I miss you Laurie. Happy Birthday.

If I Could Write

 Stay-Andrea Gibson

" Baby, there were nights when my pulse did not win, nights when my heart beat stained the kitchen floor bright red, but you once told me we are most alive in that split second before death."