Have This Heart To Break

I can't stop listening to this song.

Paralyzing Fear

I'm always afraid of losing you.
If your one of my friends than yes, I'm talking about you.
No matter how close you think we are or whether we've drifted apart. I'm afraid.
Saying goodbye to my friends, my family, at camp this year has been one of the hardest things I've done for a while. For the past two years during this time I've said goodbye to someone for the last time. And it scares me. Every second of everyday.

A Year Of Strength VS. A Moment Of Weakness

My hands won't stop shaking. I haven't even been in Marquette for a week. Why does this have to happen right now. 

I'm nothing. 

Never will be. 

Useless. 

I feel unattached. 

I screwed up. Again. 

It's been one year since I made the decision to quit cutting. One of the hardest things I've ever done. It scared me. It was my safety net. At least if I was cutting it would take the thoughts of anything worse out of my head. Can I say I'm proud of what I've done. No. Sure it's been a year but I've had moments of weakness. I've screwed up. 

But I still say I'm recovering. If I didn't, what would I call myself...............a failure, 

Wouldn't surprise me. 

Again. 

What Am I Afraid Of

I keep finding it harder and harder to write in this.

It used to be a more private vent session but now I’ve told some friends and their venturing on here and it’s making me hold back.

So what if a few strangers happen to stumble upon my thoughts. Not like I care. I don’t get why peer pressure gets me like this. I guess it’s because I hate to show weakness, but sometimes I just have to get it out on here. No more holding back,

What am I afraid of?

The Little Boy Who Said He "Can't"

Working at a summer camp gives me opportunities to grow each and everyday. We just ended our third session this Friday and one instance this week has followed me. At the beginning of this week I've noticed this little boy, his name was Kyle. One of the things he was most excited for was jumping off the high dive. I heard about a couple times where he climbed up, but each time he tried he became very freighted, but eventually would jump off. Soon enough the life guarding staff had to banish him from ever jumping off the high dive. Then it was the last full day of camp and as the rest of the campers headed to their cabins for rest period I noticed two staff members comforting a little boy standing on the high dive. He had received 5 letters at lunch which meant he had to jump off in his clothes. Well, not knowing that the little boy had received five letters the life guarding staff had not noticed when Kyle made his way up to the top. But by the time they realized it was him, it was too late and we had a terrified crying 9 year old boy back up on the high dive. I made my way over there to help out. Though being banned from the high dive Kyle made his way up it once again to not be made fun of by his friends.
After minuets of encouraging staff members yelling "You can do it!" , little kyle still refused to jump from the high dive. He sat there crying, yelling "I can't I can't I can't I can't" over and over. We couldn't get him to stop saying it no matter how hard we tried. So after a good 45 minuets, our very intimidating waterfront director finally got little Kyle to jump off.
I guess what I took from this is the fact that when it comes to myself I still the phrase "I Can't" shouldn't be an option. I need to step out of my boundaries and prove to myself that I can. It's surprising how much you can learn from a nine year old and he doesn't even know it. As I helped him get his bags in the car at the end of the week I asked him what his favorite part of camp was, and of course he said the high dive. :)

Facing Facts

It's been so long since I've felt Okay.

I can't do this on my own.

CAMP UPdate: Week One

The first week of camp went great. It really tested the limits of the staff but was also very fun. It didn't take me long to figure out my new job as the program director was very stressful. I broke down a few times but many problems arose than normal this week. What a week to start out the summer. It rained a lot but that didn't stop our tight knit staff from bringing these kids out of their shell. It's been such an amazing experiencing watching these campers growing up. Most of the last years have been there since I was a camper. It's sad to see them go, but I'm sure that some will return as staff.
Bring on the rest of the summer.