Turning a new leaf, Taking the first step, Whatever you wanna call it...

So i'm in this rut.
And I want to get out of this rut.
So I am.
There are too many times I sit there letting my mind become to overwhelmed with emotions.
""Your not good enough.""
""Why don't you stop fucking up.""
""Who could love you.""
I need to stop getting wrapped up in the down side so easily and let life live.
The best way to get better is to just keep it positive and dream like it wasn't a dream at all.
But a reality.
I need that reality.

Mentally Stable

This is something that has been on my mind for a while. Am I mentally stable?

This subject arose while talking to on of my mentee's this summer. Of course the subject itself did not come up about me. That is not something I would talk about so much with a young high schooler. But the subject is always there if he ever wanted to talk.

But the gist of the conversation started about another boy who was just starting out this year working at camp. I talk to him frequently. He always asks for help and advise about his depression and cutting. I was always there to help as much as I could and was very aware of everything. 

Talking to this other young staff member ,who was friends with the kid, lead to him worrying about if his friend was mentally stable enough to handle a cabin of children. But I entrusted to him that I thought he was ready and could handle anything.  And he was. 

But with me remains the thought. Am I mentally stable enough to do what I do?....If my boss knew how things were would she even have hired me?.... If she found this page would I ever be hired back?

Am I mentally stable enough to work with children? Maybe working with kids is what keeps me stable. It makes me happy. Seeing them play, learn, grow. I train teenagers how to be leaders. I lead a leadership staff and a summer camp. If a 16 year old kid is worried about his friends mental capabilities of taking over a cabin, how much trust would I lose if he knew his supervisor was just as unstable if not worse.
Who would I lose?

Confessions

Forgetting What Brought Me Here

I remember those days when I was entertained for hours, just by keeping my eye behind the lens. Nothing else mattered. I just wanted to get home from school and mess around with my camera for hours on end. Once school was out till my mom forced me to go to my room at night. Which I still ended up taking pictures. It was new to me and I loved it. I never really had art in high school, ever. Which is funny because now I'm an Art major. Thats how much I loved it. I'll never forget those days where photography was a passion that kept me going. It's not like it's completely gone but until I get a working camera it kind of is.
 I miss it so much.

My Portfolios
http://www.photosig.com/go/users/view?id=310420

Without You I Am Miserable At Best

Déjà vu uv àjéD

So I see this happening again.
I have really good friends.
But all of them have other really good friends.
When the tables turn.
I get left behind.
Happened in high school.
Guess it's just history repeating itself.
Please.
Not again.

September 5th, 2011

I almost did it. I almost deleted every friend under the age of 16 from my facebook page. Sounds stupid, I know. But I can’t have them looking up to someone like me. They ask me for advice. Talk to me. Ask for help. Everything I've always wanted to be for the younger generation. 

A Role Model. 

Those kids deserve better. And maybe if I removed them they could start forgetting that one person they might have looked up to.

There's nothing here you want to look up to.

Nothing.

It's so easy to give advice once you've been through certain things. Having little kids come to me with there problems at school with bullying and depression, love and loss. I've never found it hard to give them straight answers. A few have even come to me about cutting and suicide. It's all very unsettling, but I try my best to help them. They deserve so much more. Someone to show them whats right. Someone real.

Hypocrisy. My friend. Is me.