You Be The Anchor

I feel like no matter how many times I listen to this song I will never get tired of it. All summer I played it over and over. It really reminds me of summer 2011. Love this song.

The Long Walk

So I was walking home last night. I was so overwhelmed with things. I got hit by one of the worst feelings. It came fast. I needed to go.
It didn't take long for me to start crying. Weakness. Gotta love it.
I felt as if it was not worth it. Staying here. Anywhere.
Everywhere I go I feel the same. No matter how amazing it is. No matter how amazing my friends are.
I end up the same.
I'm not meant for this.
Give me a fucking break.
Why me.
And when things started to turn for the worst. I looked to my right and I could see you there.
Aaron I've never needed you more in my life and you were there. I could feel your arm on my shoulder.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. You prevented the inevitable. And when I told myself  "No, this must be a dream." I looked up and saw a star shoot across the sky.
I miss you.

I don't know what to think. What to feel.

Fuck this rut.
I thought it would be easier.

It's not easy.
Why can't I stop.
Why did I start again. 
I can't handle this.
I've heard the phrase "you're strong" and friends have even said that they think I'm one of the strongest people they know. It happened even last night.
Don't make me laugh.
I'm not sure how that makes me feel. It makes me wonder if they're wondering why the hell I'm still here. I should have been gone a long time ago. 
Then that makes me wonder why I'm still holding on.
Can I take this much longer?
Fuck being strong. I'm weak.
So weak. 
Am I meant to hold on at all.
It's useless.
Maybe I'm just here to teach people a lesson in the end.
Because one day. This will come to an end.

Blank Stares

Sometimes I stare into space.

I do it a lot actually.

I don't really think when I do it. I'm more so replaying something in my head.

It could be anything. A simple memory. Something I miss. Or someone.

It happens a lot.

These blank stares.

Turning a new leaf, Taking the first step, Whatever you wanna call it...

So i'm in this rut.
And I want to get out of this rut.
So I am.
There are too many times I sit there letting my mind become to overwhelmed with emotions.
""Your not good enough.""
""Why don't you stop fucking up.""
""Who could love you.""
I need to stop getting wrapped up in the down side so easily and let life live.
The best way to get better is to just keep it positive and dream like it wasn't a dream at all.
But a reality.
I need that reality.

Mentally Stable

This is something that has been on my mind for a while. Am I mentally stable?

This subject arose while talking to on of my mentee's this summer. Of course the subject itself did not come up about me. That is not something I would talk about so much with a young high schooler. But the subject is always there if he ever wanted to talk.

But the gist of the conversation started about another boy who was just starting out this year working at camp. I talk to him frequently. He always asks for help and advise about his depression and cutting. I was always there to help as much as I could and was very aware of everything. 

Talking to this other young staff member ,who was friends with the kid, lead to him worrying about if his friend was mentally stable enough to handle a cabin of children. But I entrusted to him that I thought he was ready and could handle anything.  And he was. 

But with me remains the thought. Am I mentally stable enough to do what I do?....If my boss knew how things were would she even have hired me?.... If she found this page would I ever be hired back?

Am I mentally stable enough to work with children? Maybe working with kids is what keeps me stable. It makes me happy. Seeing them play, learn, grow. I train teenagers how to be leaders. I lead a leadership staff and a summer camp. If a 16 year old kid is worried about his friends mental capabilities of taking over a cabin, how much trust would I lose if he knew his supervisor was just as unstable if not worse.
Who would I lose?