I'm Still Here

Nothing will hurt me more than the day my grandma told me "vote republican or don't come home". Then jokingly followed with "I know you will". And it makes me wonder if my family even knows me.  I'll always fear the day I will break her heart, but I don't think I can do it much longer. I want to come out to my family but I just have so much fear of losing them. And I know I will, in some sort of way or get some kind of religious ass chewing. I fear losing them but I also fear them losing me. Losing me for who I really am and replaced with thoughts of "she's confused right now" or "she needs to get her life together".
I'm still here.
I never have and never will change.

A Year of Thought

So it's been over a year now since I started this blog.  It's crazy how fast a year can go by now days. I remember feeling like I was gonna be a kid forever when I was growing up but now that I'm getting older I wish back to those days when I was young. I can't believe I'm going to be a senior in college next year. I feel like I just got here.

And then it hit...

It was a feeling.

A feeling I got when i saw the person to take over my job this year at camp.

He truly is an amazing guy. I've worked with him before. 

But now i can't shake this feeling. 

Of no matter what I decide now 

there's no going back. 

I'm going to miss it. 

My escape.

My home.

I can't even explain the feeling I get when one of my friends never even made it to their 18th birthday. It also amazes me that even in the 17 years you were here you accomplished so much, much more than I could have in my 20 years. Now I've accepted that this world is all but fair. The good really do die young and I spend every day and night wishing it were me instead of you.
It's weird how much you learn from someone once they're gone. I like to think I learned how to embrace life now. How to love everyone and everything because once it's gone, everything changes. Everything.
Today would have been your 20th birthday. I miss you Laurie. Happy Birthday.

If I Could Write

 Stay-Andrea Gibson

" Baby, there were nights when my pulse did not win, nights when my heart beat stained the kitchen floor bright red, but you once told me we are most alive in that split second before death."

130 Days. And You Can Still Smile.

I'm proud of you.
I really am.
As many times as I scream at you. Yelling you're not good enough. Reminding yourself how stupid you are and nothing is good to come.
I'm proud.
I'm proud because I never thought you could do it again. Once I caved I thought it was all over from here. Might as well not try.
I didn't think I was strong enough.
But it's been 130 days since I last hurt myself and I'm excited every time I can really smile.
I'm kept on edge at times but I know my friends won't let me fall again. I know if they knew when I was down they would be there, even if I don't give them a chance to see when I'm weak. I know how vulnerable people are when they show you weakness, and I take pride that people trust me enough to let me in. It's just gonna take me a while longer to be able to do it myself.
But for now. I'm happy. I'm proud.
And now I can walk around and wear my true smile.
Because some days that smile can make others truly smile. 

One Day

Thank you.
I know you probably don't remember me but we do see each other everyday. I guess you might know who I am but you might not remember that day you changed my thoughts. You lit a fire in the bottom of a hopeless kids heart.
And I thank you.
That one day when I got to class just a little too early and I caught myself again looking closely at some art hanging on the wall, and you caught me there once again because I swear I see you at least once a day. As I softly run my finger tips against intricate structures and wonder what I someday will make, then thats when you spoke to me. Simple.
" One day, that's gonna be your work up there."
Not knowing how to respond, you walked away quickly as if you wanted no response because I would have simply said "I wish." More encouragement from the art building janitor than any teacher has ever given me. And some nights, I have enough heart to believe her. Maybe there is hope in this hopeless kids heart.