September 5th, 2011

I almost did it. I almost deleted every friend under the age of 16 from my facebook page. Sounds stupid, I know. But I can’t have them looking up to someone like me. They ask me for advice. Talk to me. Ask for help. Everything I've always wanted to be for the younger generation. 

A Role Model. 

Those kids deserve better. And maybe if I removed them they could start forgetting that one person they might have looked up to.

There's nothing here you want to look up to.

Nothing.

It's so easy to give advice once you've been through certain things. Having little kids come to me with there problems at school with bullying and depression, love and loss. I've never found it hard to give them straight answers. A few have even come to me about cutting and suicide. It's all very unsettling, but I try my best to help them. They deserve so much more. Someone to show them whats right. Someone real.

Hypocrisy. My friend. Is me.

To The Home I Love

For nine years I've had the privilege of waking up to a beautiful sunrise over Corey Lake. I can't explain how much I love this place and the people there. Now this may sound funny, it's just a summer camp. How have I developed a connection like this?
For the past nine years Camp Wakeshma has been my escape.
Whether it was one week as a camper or an entire summer as a staff member each year has surpassed the last. It's hard to think that it could get better but somehow it always does. But each summer is irreplaceable in my heart. This place keeps me going.
I owe my life to this place.
Again I was that awkward kid who didn't have many friends. Camp Wakeshma was one of the first places I was offered acceptance. People didn't care what clique you were in or how you dressed. All we cared about was how much free time was left and if we could pass notes during rest period. As a young kid it was good to finally feel like I belonged. Then once I became a staff member I felt as if everything clicked. I finally made a good choice. I'm glad my boss has more confidence in me than I do. I would have never seen myself in this position five years ago. I probably would have laughed if someone said I was the future program director. I know this has to sound cheesy and cliché but for a severely depressed teenager a place like this can really form and shape your life. My life would be drastically different if I never stepped foot at Wakeshma. I wouldn't have many friends. I wouldn't be studying at Northern right now, I honestly probably wouldn't even be in college at all. In all honesty I don't think I would even be here. As scary as that sounds it's the truth.
I owe my life to this place.
I owe Camp Wakeshma for making me who I am.
The memories I have are endless.
The kids always put a smile on my face.
And the friends I have are forever. Family.

I will never forget this place.

Rants and Rambles

I will never subject love to whether you are a guy or a girl.

If there’s something there, then it’s because of you and only you.

Sure some attractions may be stronger than others.
But I'm not jumping to conclusions.

We're not here to just be with someone.

We're here to find that someone.

So make every move count.
Have every smile last.
Make each other laugh.
Forgive.

Have This Heart To Break

I can't stop listening to this song.

Paralyzing Fear

I'm always afraid of losing you.
If your one of my friends than yes, I'm talking about you.
No matter how close you think we are or whether we've drifted apart. I'm afraid.
Saying goodbye to my friends, my family, at camp this year has been one of the hardest things I've done for a while. For the past two years during this time I've said goodbye to someone for the last time. And it scares me. Every second of everyday.

A Year Of Strength VS. A Moment Of Weakness

My hands won't stop shaking. I haven't even been in Marquette for a week. Why does this have to happen right now. 

I'm nothing. 

Never will be. 

Useless. 

I feel unattached. 

I screwed up. Again. 

It's been one year since I made the decision to quit cutting. One of the hardest things I've ever done. It scared me. It was my safety net. At least if I was cutting it would take the thoughts of anything worse out of my head. Can I say I'm proud of what I've done. No. Sure it's been a year but I've had moments of weakness. I've screwed up. 

But I still say I'm recovering. If I didn't, what would I call myself...............a failure, 

Wouldn't surprise me. 

Again. 

What Am I Afraid Of

I keep finding it harder and harder to write in this.

It used to be a more private vent session but now I’ve told some friends and their venturing on here and it’s making me hold back.

So what if a few strangers happen to stumble upon my thoughts. Not like I care. I don’t get why peer pressure gets me like this. I guess it’s because I hate to show weakness, but sometimes I just have to get it out on here. No more holding back,

What am I afraid of?