Faith in my Faithlessness

I was raised in a christian home.
I spent most my life waking up early on a Sunday morning, sitting on a cold church pew as a preacher spoke at me. Saying whats right and whats wrong. Singing songs praising this figure they call their God.
I'm not trying to bash on religious people. I in fact hold them in great esteem, you see, at least they have something to believe in.
Something that gives them hope.
Though I spent many years being brought up in such an influential environment, christianity never really stuck with me. It could be the rebellious part of being a kid. I mean who wants to be told how to live their life when your still figuring out what life is.
My entire life I've been told stories of how God has changed someones life. And that second they laid down their heart to him it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders. I guess this is one spot where I've always gotten lost. I've tried to live up to my family's good christian name. Back then my mother was known for having very strong faith. I gave it my all and I gave him my heart.
But I felt nothing.
I was at an end. I fell to my knees and asked for help but instead of feeling forgiveness I felt like trash that had been tossed out and left to whatever my fate was besides heaven.
Such thing happened several times before I started to question what I was doing with my life.
Do I believe in God?
I honestly don't know. But if God knows my plan for me then he probably knows that I'll screw up. Thats why he didn't give me a chance. Maybe God knows that it's not even worth giving me a shot of forgiveness because it will just lead to more sin and poor life choices. Wouldn't surprise me.
But I couldn't lie when I say that christianity has shaped my life in small ways. Sure I may not choose to believe in anything right now but I do have a statement.
I am a good person.
If thats not good enough then send me to hell.

A fate in which the world may never understand.

Another one taken.
Yeah, I say taken when in fact it was a choice.
Another one gone.
Yeah, gone, even though your true light stays within.
One by one I count as I see another teen leave this earth.
I can't imagine your family, your sisters. What they feel. If they feel anything at all.
Your friends. My friends.
It hurts me to see them go through this, again.
And you.
I wish there was something we could have done.
Nobody deserves a fate like this.
To feel so hopeless.
So rundown.
Thinking nobody understands and nobody ever will.

I don't want to sound like an ass. But I understand.
A common ground is found and I understand.
I wish something could be done. I know sometimes it feels like this pain will never end. You feel trapped, betrayed but someday things will finally seem worth it. It just takes getting over the mountain to see that.
Someone always cares.
I'm sorry Blair. I truly am

Rest Peacefully Blair.

You Be The Anchor

I feel like no matter how many times I listen to this song I will never get tired of it. All summer I played it over and over. It really reminds me of summer 2011. Love this song.

The Long Walk

So I was walking home last night. I was so overwhelmed with things. I got hit by one of the worst feelings. It came fast. I needed to go.
It didn't take long for me to start crying. Weakness. Gotta love it.
I felt as if it was not worth it. Staying here. Anywhere.
Everywhere I go I feel the same. No matter how amazing it is. No matter how amazing my friends are.
I end up the same.
I'm not meant for this.
Give me a fucking break.
Why me.
And when things started to turn for the worst. I looked to my right and I could see you there.
Aaron I've never needed you more in my life and you were there. I could feel your arm on my shoulder.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. You prevented the inevitable. And when I told myself  "No, this must be a dream." I looked up and saw a star shoot across the sky.
I miss you.

I don't know what to think. What to feel.

Fuck this rut.
I thought it would be easier.

It's not easy.
Why can't I stop.
Why did I start again. 
I can't handle this.
I've heard the phrase "you're strong" and friends have even said that they think I'm one of the strongest people they know. It happened even last night.
Don't make me laugh.
I'm not sure how that makes me feel. It makes me wonder if they're wondering why the hell I'm still here. I should have been gone a long time ago. 
Then that makes me wonder why I'm still holding on.
Can I take this much longer?
Fuck being strong. I'm weak.
So weak. 
Am I meant to hold on at all.
It's useless.
Maybe I'm just here to teach people a lesson in the end.
Because one day. This will come to an end.

Blank Stares

Sometimes I stare into space.

I do it a lot actually.

I don't really think when I do it. I'm more so replaying something in my head.

It could be anything. A simple memory. Something I miss. Or someone.

It happens a lot.

These blank stares.