Okay...So scratch my last post.

There is about 13 minuets left of this Valentines Day.
And what did I do. Sit at home, down a six pack, and try to forget that I've never really had a true valentine. There were days when I was young and the innocence of two kids holding hands and exchanging overly cheesy Halmark cards was encouraged, but I never truly called it love.
I never truly had the feeling of what to do when I was in love. But today I feel like I could have shown how my heart feels. Overwhelming feelings of me wanting to hide flowers around your room just so I can imagine the smile on your face when you find them.
Halmark cards, not for you darling. For you I would make a masterpiece, fold it in half, write nothing but Love on the front and hope it makes your heart feel the way Mine does when you look me in the eyes. I'd do nothing but hope no matter what happens to me you could hold that masterpiece close to your heart and never let go.
I wish that you never let go.
With three minuets left in this day that I say I hate, but it's because I've never been given the chance to love.

Valentines

knlnbjk

Behind Closed Doors

Sometimes I don't understand how I can hate my hometown so much.
 I do feel regret sometimes for not visiting more. It actually makes me feel like a complete ass.

But whenever I go to that town I remember every reason I left it in the first place.
THE PEOPLE
It's not like everyone there is the same. This by no means goes to everyone, but is there something in the water that makes everything you say rude?
It's hard to travel back to a place where people called me fag more than my name.
I hate that word.
People look at me and hate me.
Judged solely on appearance and never given a chance for eighteen years.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me realize I didn't belong here. Without you I wouldn't have found Northern and I would be stuck in that pathetic excuse of a town.
THE PAST
I guess my past has a lot to do with people, but it still is a totally different concept.
Sitting in my room is a very uncomforting feeling.
What happened behind these closed doors formed lifestyle I wish to forget.
A life of hatred. Hate so deep that it's gonna take a lifetime to heal.
Back when everyday was a bad day. A big hopeless trap.
When cuts, bruises, and risk were daily relief from everything.
I guess I felt like I was getting what I deserved, even if it was from myself.
That if people always had a problem with me then I must broken.
And there was no way to fix me.
People forced me to believe things that were never true. Things about myself.
Turning my own thoughts against me. Forming the perfect outcast. Telling me where I belonged.
Giving me no choice.
Behind these closed doors I changed.

And I hope one day, mom, you'll realize why I left.
I wasn't running away. I was protecting your baby.
That town is dead to me because if I was still there I would be dead to it.

It's weird how fast things can change.
In the past couple years I feel like I've gone from not knowing what love is, to not being able to get it off my mind.
And I'm not talking about that 'I love my friends, my family and the world' type of love.
I'm talking about that 'I don't think I know how to breathe without you' type of love.
And for some reason, I think I fear it.
Fear that I truly can't breathe without you.
But why worry when good things never happen.
Because who could love me.

I Just Want To Feel Okay

February 27th, 2008
"Okay , I have finally accepted that my life is an official train wreck. Everything this year is just piling on, one thing right after another and it's just to much. My scatter thought brain and sleepless nights are finally taken their toll, and each and everyday feels as if its longer. I cant even think of the words to say to get this off my chest. It's just to complicated. I cant wait until this awful endless winter is gone and i can sit outside with my guitar and see the stars and finally get the words i need to say to tell the people i care about, i love them. Friends are becoming scarce at school and my two bestest friends are leaving and that will be an endless depression until things are right again. When that will happen, I dont know . 
But things really never have been right so I dont expect anything to come"


I've been thinking about this old blog post a bit. I remember this time in my life. It really did feel endless. Some statements in this really break down some feelings for me. When I said that my friends leaving will be my endless depression. It's crazy how things like that stick. How is it that I can't keep you guys off my mind. It's been four years since we've been together and I miss you both. It just feels like you both completely left me out of your lives. Yeah, you left, I could deal with that. But going years at a time without you trying to contact me at all, killed me on the inside. It's in past tense for a reason. I'm over it. It's horrible to think that it's been so long that I had no choice but to move on. Then maybe one day if you remember who I am you'll say hello. Maybe remember those times we shared. The times when we felt invincible to the world because we didn't know what the world had to offer. My invincibility is gone, but I hope you kept yours. Then hopefully one day we can all remember what it's like to be together again. Maybe I'll remember why my hearts been holding on for so long. Far past exhausted, I had seemed to forgotten.