High School Drama

I'm going to start referencing some blog entries from my high school blog. I was going through some hard times and rereading them really makes me want to write about them again.

February 24th, 2009
"It's that time year again. It's been so long since i've been able to sit out and watch the stars. I long for those summer days where i can sit outside with my friends next to a camp fire until the sun rises. Latley I've been sitting outside on the roof with an empty spot beside me and i cant stop thinking. Will i ever find that friend. Sure i have friends but i need a friend i can trust, a friend that i can talk seriously with, a friend that wont leave me like i'm nothing. I had this feeling before about many of my friends but I was tired of getting left behind. To many times in my life I have had someone I would trust with my life leave me like theres no reason for it, and i'm sick of it. Look at this. Look at what your doing. You chose the feelings you got by the actions you took. You and You alone are responsible. I was forced to feel the way I feel. Your the reason I hurt. You forced me to realize
I always end up alone"


Sometimes I feel like this but I have many friends that mean the world to me. I love every single one of them and they can always put a smile on my face. 
Friends. You mean the world to me.

Premonition, Coinicdence or Love

Day : February 2nd, 2011

I didn't sleep. 

Not so much not being able to sleep but I pulled an all nighter to keep up with my studies.   This is considered normal for me, even somewhat routine. It's usually around 6:30 am when we all get a little restless and begin to get ready for breakfast at 7. Yes, whats an all nighter without friends. I wasn't the only one staying up. 

Now heres when the day started to get odd. 

We all get back from breakfast and split up into our separate dorm rooms so we could at least get an hour or two of sleep before our morning classes. Right as I shut the door my phone began to ring. Odd, I'm not used to getting 8am phone calls. I looked and it was my grandma, so naturally I think something has gone wrong for her to call me this early. She knows my usual sleeping schedule. 

I could hear concern in her voice as she kept asking me if I was okay when I answered. I ensured her I was fine and we continued with a normal conversation. After a while she then again asked me if I was sure I was okay and thats when I asked her what was up. She told me she was awoken by a dream she had. It seemed as if it were real to her. She woke up to me standing by the side of her bed. White in the face. Somewhat death like. Describing to me the exact hat I was wearing. I was unresponsive and then she woke up. 

I didn't really know how to take the dream. At the time I just thought it was really creepy. Finally I told her once again that I was fine and nothing was going to happen to me, then we said our goodbyes. I was gonna try to get some sleep before my first class but just for fun I went online and googled an interpretation of my grandmas dream. Thats when I started to feel a little unsettled. I'm not saying I completely believe in dream predictions but it's a little unsettling when it says death. I tried to lay on the couch and rest after but I was pretty much awake. Soon enough time came around and I had to start leaving for my class. I walked as usual with just a little more worry in my mind. It's not like I thought something was gonna happen but I just couldn't shake this feeling. Just in time too. As I walked along side the art building I cross paths with two teacher yelling at me to get back home as quickly as possible. My heart stopped. That was the longest walk back to the dorms of my life. Even though I was practically running at this point. I had no clue what was going on but I felt as if I could barley breath. Shaken from the core. I wasn't the only person on the way to class as I run into herds of students heading back to their dorms. Cars flooded the streets. It only took minuets to empty campus from it's normal hectic days. 

I walk into my room and sit there. Red screens flood the computers. Messages flow on the bottoms of television screens. My roommate still lay there sleeping. Soon enough she woke up to me locking all the doors and shutting the blinds. She mumbled morning distress then I told her classes were canceled in a shaky voice. She went from barley awake to "I'm up" in seconds. Then she asked why I looked so white. Now I was a little scared. 

Nothing ended up happening that day but it still makes me wonder what if something had. Apparently someone had anonymously posted a blog saying they were gonna shoot up campus. As soon as the university found out the campus went on lockdown.
But what if they never found out. What if there was a shooter.
Maybe someones concerns about a blog saved my life.
Who knows.
I tried to make the best of the situation, we even made a huge fort in my room. It helped me get my grandmas dream off my mind.
Even though nothing happened it still makes me think. 

Maybe Someday

You were in my dreams last night. As if my everyday thought isn't already enough, my nights are also consumed of you.
I remember the day I gave you the address to this site. I made it seem as though I had forgotten what it was, while I quickly went and deleted something I had written about you.
I wish I had at least saved it somewhere. But now it's gone.

It was about that one night on the beach. We were all at Little Presque hoping for the northern lights.
They never showed, but the night sky alone did us justice.
For a second you laid your head on my shoulder.

If only you knew how easy it is for you to put a smile on my face.

I remember this dream I had of you this summer.
You told me you didn't want to talk to me anymore.
I was confused. All I wanted to do was talk.
I woke up crying. I actually woke up crying.

This one time you asked me a question.
You asked why I liked you.
I couldn't explain. I'd like to say I'm getting better at it.
I love the way you walk.
I love the way you talk.
I love the way you look at me when you laugh.
I love the way you move your arms.
I love your eyes.
Curly or straight hair.
With or without makeup.
Good or bad day.

I love everything about you.

You won my heart. Since the first day and the note.
When I said it was yours I wasn't lying.
Whether you wanted it or not.
And my heart is no normal prize to be won, you see
It holds and enormous amount of love. Enough love for the entire world but I rather give it to you.
So much that I've left none for myself.
Maybe if I had been confident.
Maybe if I had been more brave.
Things would be different.

But I am kept silent. There is no need for me to disrupt something that would lead you to someone better.
But to you, it will be as if nothing changed. And me, I'll just keep saying what you said.
Maybe Someday.

Proving Myself

So, I've noticed that all my conversations with friends are usually started by me. In short I've decided that for the next couple days not to text/message/call anyone unless they take time to contact me. Will anyone even notice is my question. I guess I just want to see how this goes. Maybe I'm proving myself right. Maybe I'm proving myself wrong.

And this explains my life.

Faith in my Faithlessness

I was raised in a christian home.
I spent most my life waking up early on a Sunday morning, sitting on a cold church pew as a preacher spoke at me. Saying whats right and whats wrong. Singing songs praising this figure they call their God.
I'm not trying to bash on religious people. I in fact hold them in great esteem, you see, at least they have something to believe in.
Something that gives them hope.
Though I spent many years being brought up in such an influential environment, christianity never really stuck with me. It could be the rebellious part of being a kid. I mean who wants to be told how to live their life when your still figuring out what life is.
My entire life I've been told stories of how God has changed someones life. And that second they laid down their heart to him it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders. I guess this is one spot where I've always gotten lost. I've tried to live up to my family's good christian name. Back then my mother was known for having very strong faith. I gave it my all and I gave him my heart.
But I felt nothing.
I was at an end. I fell to my knees and asked for help but instead of feeling forgiveness I felt like trash that had been tossed out and left to whatever my fate was besides heaven.
Such thing happened several times before I started to question what I was doing with my life.
Do I believe in God?
I honestly don't know. But if God knows my plan for me then he probably knows that I'll screw up. Thats why he didn't give me a chance. Maybe God knows that it's not even worth giving me a shot of forgiveness because it will just lead to more sin and poor life choices. Wouldn't surprise me.
But I couldn't lie when I say that christianity has shaped my life in small ways. Sure I may not choose to believe in anything right now but I do have a statement.
I am a good person.
If thats not good enough then send me to hell.