I'm not gonna abandon this blog but I am also starting a new one. This one is dedicated to the things that make me happy, no shame in it. This will still remain as my main blog but I think this new blog will set a new tone and hey, maybe there will be a post about you. But it's all More Than A Journey.
The Things That Make Me Happy
Inside the mind of a bi-polar artist who just needs somewhere to get things out of her head.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Up, Up, Up, And Away
I never thought this would be easy. Ever since the very second I found out, my heart lies a little heavier. My minds even more prone to wander. I can go from perfectly fine to not okay in seconds.
Once again I can't even find the words to explain how much I miss you Aaron. I knew this day was coming I just never thought I would be ready for it. One year ago. It's been over a year since I last saw you. I can feel the warm summer memories of 2010 replaying in my head but then quickly it's disrupted by images of pain and loss. People stare, I quickly look away as I started to tear up in class. I can't get you out of my head. My mind has been preparing myself for this. All week has been full of dreams of you. I guess it's better having unconscious encounters then nothing at all. But I still find myself waking up in a crying mess.
I would give anything to go back one year ago just to call you. Just to hear your voice one last time. I would do anything. Maybe it would have changed what had happened. Maybe it wouldn't, but I just wish that I had tried.
I remember standing in that very spot where you took your last breaths. I was more comforted than I thought I would be because lets be honest there should be nothing comforting about that. The stars were so bright it was as if they were reaching out to us. A cosmic embrace as if you set every star perfectly in place. Your voice softly carried with the wind as my own breath cuts through the cold night air. Am I dreaming. I've had many dreams about this night. This spot. You.
Were you scared?
And on that night when we started to leave, I looked back. In the depth of the night I saw a light. What It was coming from, I don't know, but it made me smile.
This holiday which is usually full of fun and laughter, friends and candy, is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Last year I tried to have fun and keep a smile on my face but I was more so taken down by my stupid decision to stay in Marquette for Halloween weekend. I should have left that very second Sarah called me. I should have got in my car and left.
But I was scared. I should have been there for my friends but I was afraid of seeing them like this. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want them seeing me like this either. But I made a stupid decision and left on the day of your visitation.
It was Halloween and I was looking at the scariest thing in a casket that I ever have. My friend.
Just as I begin to cry I reached for my old journal, and there it was, The entry I made a day after I found out you were gone. It goes like this:
October 29th, 2010:
"Yesterday I found out you were gone. You seized to exist. "He is" has now become "he was". Gone.
It's still hard for me to find the words to say. But one thing I know is that I love you. I wish there was something that I could have done. So many questions are being asked and no one seems to have the answers....
Do you remember when me you and Sarah laid on the hood of her car as we watched the stars. They were amazing that night. Now, you are apart of those stars and I will never look up at them and not think of you. I can't wait for the first clear night up here, shine your brightest because I'll be looking. I miss you Aaron....
I can't say this has really hit me, but I'm sure once I get into my car and drive, each mile I get closer to you will get harder. Eventually reality will sneak up on me. Then when I come to that room where everyone is standing there except you. I will know....
I can't explain the feeling I have. It's just numb. Sometimes I even feel sick. It's like my body knows something is wrong but my mind is unable to accept it. I wish this were a dream. I wish you were here...
November 1st, 2010:
Today we said goodbye. It was so hard Aaron. But even after all of this it doesn't seem real. I've held all my friends and cried, I've talked to your parents, I touched your guitar for the last time, I sat through your funeral, I laid my hand upon the very casket that you still rest in, I stood in the spot where you last stood on this Earth. Why doesn't this seem real?
That boy does not deserve to be in that box.
I named my guitar after you. No wonder why it took me years to name him, I was just looking for the perfect one. He's been sitting in the corner collecting dust lately. I haven't the heart to play. Help me get my heart back Aaron. Help me write the songs that you never got to write. Guide my hards to hit the right notes and my voice to say the right words....
I miss you Aaron."
Help me through this. I can't handle this.
Once again I can't even find the words to explain how much I miss you Aaron. I knew this day was coming I just never thought I would be ready for it. One year ago. It's been over a year since I last saw you. I can feel the warm summer memories of 2010 replaying in my head but then quickly it's disrupted by images of pain and loss. People stare, I quickly look away as I started to tear up in class. I can't get you out of my head. My mind has been preparing myself for this. All week has been full of dreams of you. I guess it's better having unconscious encounters then nothing at all. But I still find myself waking up in a crying mess.
I would give anything to go back one year ago just to call you. Just to hear your voice one last time. I would do anything. Maybe it would have changed what had happened. Maybe it wouldn't, but I just wish that I had tried.
I remember standing in that very spot where you took your last breaths. I was more comforted than I thought I would be because lets be honest there should be nothing comforting about that. The stars were so bright it was as if they were reaching out to us. A cosmic embrace as if you set every star perfectly in place. Your voice softly carried with the wind as my own breath cuts through the cold night air. Am I dreaming. I've had many dreams about this night. This spot. You.
Were you scared?
And on that night when we started to leave, I looked back. In the depth of the night I saw a light. What It was coming from, I don't know, but it made me smile.
This holiday which is usually full of fun and laughter, friends and candy, is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Last year I tried to have fun and keep a smile on my face but I was more so taken down by my stupid decision to stay in Marquette for Halloween weekend. I should have left that very second Sarah called me. I should have got in my car and left.
But I was scared. I should have been there for my friends but I was afraid of seeing them like this. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want them seeing me like this either. But I made a stupid decision and left on the day of your visitation.
It was Halloween and I was looking at the scariest thing in a casket that I ever have. My friend.
Just as I begin to cry I reached for my old journal, and there it was, The entry I made a day after I found out you were gone. It goes like this:
October 29th, 2010:
"Yesterday I found out you were gone. You seized to exist. "He is" has now become "he was". Gone.
It's still hard for me to find the words to say. But one thing I know is that I love you. I wish there was something that I could have done. So many questions are being asked and no one seems to have the answers....
Do you remember when me you and Sarah laid on the hood of her car as we watched the stars. They were amazing that night. Now, you are apart of those stars and I will never look up at them and not think of you. I can't wait for the first clear night up here, shine your brightest because I'll be looking. I miss you Aaron....
I can't say this has really hit me, but I'm sure once I get into my car and drive, each mile I get closer to you will get harder. Eventually reality will sneak up on me. Then when I come to that room where everyone is standing there except you. I will know....
I can't explain the feeling I have. It's just numb. Sometimes I even feel sick. It's like my body knows something is wrong but my mind is unable to accept it. I wish this were a dream. I wish you were here...
November 1st, 2010:
Today we said goodbye. It was so hard Aaron. But even after all of this it doesn't seem real. I've held all my friends and cried, I've talked to your parents, I touched your guitar for the last time, I sat through your funeral, I laid my hand upon the very casket that you still rest in, I stood in the spot where you last stood on this Earth. Why doesn't this seem real?
That boy does not deserve to be in that box.
I named my guitar after you. No wonder why it took me years to name him, I was just looking for the perfect one. He's been sitting in the corner collecting dust lately. I haven't the heart to play. Help me get my heart back Aaron. Help me write the songs that you never got to write. Guide my hards to hit the right notes and my voice to say the right words....
I miss you Aaron."
Help me through this. I can't handle this.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Forgiven
Maybe it's because I've grown up. Maybe it's because I feel like I barley know you anymore but the years have flown by and I think I'm ready to say it.
Reading my blog entries of you leaving brought back so many different feelings, some still make me tear up.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
I've seen you once in the past four years and I let my feelings overtake me rather than actually seeing how you were. I turned and walked away when I should have given you a hug.
I'm sorry but it was just too hard. If only you knew how hard. I couldn't even talk for an hour or two after we ran into each other. People kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even respond.
You were my best friend.
It's hard to see posts like this. We used to be so close.
July 6th 2008: Who Are You
"Who are you to be judging me. You're the one who left. You're the one who brought my entire family to a screeching hault. You interupted me at work and left me "emotionally incapable". You're the one that left my mom screaming in painfull tears and cries on the ground and then almost breaks her leg against the couch. You're away in your little "safety" zone while all fuckin hell breaks loose here. And even though you hurt my family so bad when they were offering help, I still love you, I want to see you happy, I want to finally see you change back, you're different and i dont like it. You care too much about what people think about you, just be yourself, and come home."
I still love you.
Reading my blog entries of you leaving brought back so many different feelings, some still make me tear up.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
I've seen you once in the past four years and I let my feelings overtake me rather than actually seeing how you were. I turned and walked away when I should have given you a hug.
I'm sorry but it was just too hard. If only you knew how hard. I couldn't even talk for an hour or two after we ran into each other. People kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even respond.
You were my best friend.
It's hard to see posts like this. We used to be so close.
July 6th 2008: Who Are You
"Who are you to be judging me. You're the one who left. You're the one who brought my entire family to a screeching hault. You interupted me at work and left me "emotionally incapable". You're the one that left my mom screaming in painfull tears and cries on the ground and then almost breaks her leg against the couch. You're away in your little "safety" zone while all fuckin hell breaks loose here. And even though you hurt my family so bad when they were offering help, I still love you, I want to see you happy, I want to finally see you change back, you're different and i dont like it. You care too much about what people think about you, just be yourself, and come home."
I still love you.
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