When Worlds Collide

I feel ripped
A tear that leads straight through my mind
across the heart
and the little bit that's left of me just hangs there
one more tear and it's gone
I look to one side and there stands someone I love
That someone you look at in a certain way
as if their smile was there just to brighten your day
Switch
I look to the other side
and once again there stands someone I love
Someone who always tries to put a smile on my face
because he knows they've been getting rarer as the days tick by

In the past week and a half I've made both my girlfriend and my best friend cry. 
And honestly I don't know if I can do this anymore. I never wanted to be this person in their lives. I never wanted to bring anyone pain and stress, but look at this mess I'm making.
It leaves me shaking.
I just wish everyone could get along. I can't live without these people in my life but it also seems I can't live with them together. Everything just seems so filled with hate at the moment. And I just don't want to hear anything of it.
Somedays I feel like I just want to run away. That maybe If I left there would be no more reason for this. Yeah I would hurt people by leaving.
But even while I'm here I'm just hurting people
I can't do this to you two
I can't

And once again I find a way to let you down...

I'm sorry

I Am Free

October 8th, 2012
I guess you can say
I did it
When I look back, it seems like not much has changed, but really thinking back to that night one year ago,
everything's different.
That one night changed everything for me, I guess you can say I'm a better person.
I have changed my thinking.
I now put energy and reason into living, because I realized something that night.
I don't want to die anymore.
Which is hard to say, because many people don't know that I ever wished that upon myself.
Let alone that it was something I've dealt with for 10 years.
This is the first year after an entire decade of a failed life that I have protected myself from my own bruised fists.
Not that I completely failed at life, but I never took the time to realize what life is.
The time to see how much is actually out there for me to want to wake up in the morning.
It was hard, there were many nights that I cried, I felt like I was losing everything at the same time and I almost did something stupid, but then someone reminded me that there is love out there, for me.
I always knew it was out there but I never thought it was for me because who could love me when I couldn't even love myself.
Flashback to one year ago and you will find me curled up in the bath tub worried more about how to get the blood out of my roommates carpet than why it wouldn't stop bleeding until I drifted off to sleep. I awoke with new purpose. New life. Since this time I have not laid a hand on myself.
Life has no purpose. Unless you give it purpose.
I sat years and waited for something to happen, something to remind me that I was useful. But until you make yourself feel useful and needed, it may never happen.
Everyone has purpose.
Everyone deserves life.
You make the choices.
You make your life.

Everythings Wrong

Ever since I can remember there has been this awesome feeling I get.
Everything I do is wrong.
Every minuet
of everyday.
I know in retrospect I can look back and try to make this feeling go away because there are things I have accomplished. I guess.
I feel like a drag on peoples lives.
I don't even know what I'm getting to here I just feel like I'm not meant anywhere.
I'm going to screw this up

I can hear the Silence

Life's been good.
I can't say I'd complain.
I have someone I love
Smiles are shared often
Life's good.
But I can't help but notice me changing again.
I sit around at one of my meetings and I'm silent
Most might not even notice, I'm usually a quieter person
but I can tell it's changing
Not only am I not talking I just don't have the want to do it
at all
I'm zoning out. Too much time thinking to myself and
that's never been a good thing.
It took me a week to notice I had been driving my car in silence.
No music, no nothing. Just thinking.
I can hear this silence.

Wish I could play like this

Something I Wrote

I guess I avoid you because in a matter of seconds you can destroy me. I know people say I'm strong, I can get through this. It shouldn't destroy me, but it does. Everyone tells me that there's always more fish in the sea but I know my chances of being alone again. I spent twenty years alone, twenty years. And I'll still never forget that first kiss in 1rst grade. Back when love didn't matter, but it did, we just didn't know what it was yet. We were love in it's purist form, before everyone told you what love was, influencing the very definition for your eyes. What love truly is. A word that can not be put into words but should be put into action.