And once again I find a way to let you down...

I'm sorry

I Am Free

October 8th, 2012
I guess you can say
I did it
When I look back, it seems like not much has changed, but really thinking back to that night one year ago,
everything's different.
That one night changed everything for me, I guess you can say I'm a better person.
I have changed my thinking.
I now put energy and reason into living, because I realized something that night.
I don't want to die anymore.
Which is hard to say, because many people don't know that I ever wished that upon myself.
Let alone that it was something I've dealt with for 10 years.
This is the first year after an entire decade of a failed life that I have protected myself from my own bruised fists.
Not that I completely failed at life, but I never took the time to realize what life is.
The time to see how much is actually out there for me to want to wake up in the morning.
It was hard, there were many nights that I cried, I felt like I was losing everything at the same time and I almost did something stupid, but then someone reminded me that there is love out there, for me.
I always knew it was out there but I never thought it was for me because who could love me when I couldn't even love myself.
Flashback to one year ago and you will find me curled up in the bath tub worried more about how to get the blood out of my roommates carpet than why it wouldn't stop bleeding until I drifted off to sleep. I awoke with new purpose. New life. Since this time I have not laid a hand on myself.
Life has no purpose. Unless you give it purpose.
I sat years and waited for something to happen, something to remind me that I was useful. But until you make yourself feel useful and needed, it may never happen.
Everyone has purpose.
Everyone deserves life.
You make the choices.
You make your life.

Everythings Wrong

Ever since I can remember there has been this awesome feeling I get.
Everything I do is wrong.
Every minuet
of everyday.
I know in retrospect I can look back and try to make this feeling go away because there are things I have accomplished. I guess.
I feel like a drag on peoples lives.
I don't even know what I'm getting to here I just feel like I'm not meant anywhere.
I'm going to screw this up

I can hear the Silence

Life's been good.
I can't say I'd complain.
I have someone I love
Smiles are shared often
Life's good.
But I can't help but notice me changing again.
I sit around at one of my meetings and I'm silent
Most might not even notice, I'm usually a quieter person
but I can tell it's changing
Not only am I not talking I just don't have the want to do it
at all
I'm zoning out. Too much time thinking to myself and
that's never been a good thing.
It took me a week to notice I had been driving my car in silence.
No music, no nothing. Just thinking.
I can hear this silence.

Wish I could play like this

Something I Wrote

I guess I avoid you because in a matter of seconds you can destroy me. I know people say I'm strong, I can get through this. It shouldn't destroy me, but it does. Everyone tells me that there's always more fish in the sea but I know my chances of being alone again. I spent twenty years alone, twenty years. And I'll still never forget that first kiss in 1rst grade. Back when love didn't matter, but it did, we just didn't know what it was yet. We were love in it's purist form, before everyone told you what love was, influencing the very definition for your eyes. What love truly is. A word that can not be put into words but should be put into action.

Pet Lovers Anonymous

Ever since I was a little girl I was lucky enough to have parents that let me have pets. We had the family dogs and cats but it also came with hamsters, rats, fish, even hermit crabs. I loved the feeling of taking care of something and I was really good at it. I can't even think of a pet of mine that didn't make it to their old age before passing. But nothing tops the day where I finally adopted my first cat, Ellie. My friend Shane and I decided that we could finally handle a cat. We have our first house away from home and we thought it would be a good fit, and it was. She was better than we could have ever expected. She loved everyone in the house, loved all the attention. It seemed like everything was going so good.
But I messed up.
After all the drama I had to take Ellie away.
Our realtor found her and made me get rid of her so I took her to my parents. One of the hardest decisions I had ever made.  I could have been like the normal me, hide her for a while and bring her back, but this time I just couldn't risk to further my mistake and get my other roommates evicted if she was caught again.
This decision seriously still haunts me today. I can't help but think about how much I screwed up. How much I hurt my friends. And how much I hurt Ellie. I know this wasn't easy for anyone and the thought of how I just threw a bunch of extra responsibility to my parents makes me feel even worse. After everything happened I couldn't eat for about a week. I just felt sick all the time and I'm pretty sure every single smile I gave was a lie further than I could ever explain. Animals have a way straight to my heart and I miss Ellie more than anyone will ever know. The thought of coming back home everyday from class was a little less shitty when I looked forward to her sitting on me begging for attention and love. Ellie could even tell how I was feeling, even if it sounds crazy. Usually late at night Ellie would find herself in my bed, jumping up then making herself comfortable. One night I had a really bad night, I was crying. She made her way to my bed as usual but when she jumped up she immediately began licking my hand, she didn't stop, wouldn't stop. But it put a smile on my face as she lightly licked my cheek.
I can't believe how much I messed up.
I just want you back.