What I Should Have Said

Dad,
I often think about how I got here and how I could have never done this alone. It seems like time goes by so fast now and in little more than a year your baby girl is about to graduate college. I catch myself missing the times we would go fishing on Pine Creek, teaching me how to bait or getting to help dad in the garage, that was one of my favorites. But maybe just a little too soon you've seen me go from the innocence of a child to what I am today, whatever that is.
I never meant to disappoint you, but it feels like thats all I ever do now.  I'm sorry. I really am. Someday I hope to change this, me. I want you to be proud, proud of something. I just feel like I've left you with nothing, when you did everything. So many of my friends have never even met there father and I want you to know that I'm so very thankful for you. Everyday. So thankful for everything you've done. For being there.
I would have never gotten here without you and I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. For fathers day I sent you a card. A normal, super cheesy, ungrateful card. But I wish everyday I could have done something more. Just to show you that I do care. I do. One day I will make sure you know just how much I care. Thank you. Always.
Your imperfect daughter,
Angie

The Day I Thought I Lost You

It had been so long since we last talked.
Years.
But you were important to me just like I know I'm still important to you.
Since the summer of 2008 things have changed so much. I feel like you wouldn't even recognize the person I am today but I know the bond we had was strong. You were the only person I could relate to on so many levels. I do miss you, you know.
I remember nights of us endlessly playing music, talking, and laughing. Memories that I try to hold vivid in my mind but nothing blurred them like the day I got your text. I was sitting in my dorm TV room, and I swear you could see the color drain from my face.
"I love you. Goodbye."
I tried to keep my composure in front of my friends as I got up and left the room. Once the door shut behind me it only took seconds to hit. I called.
Called again.
and again.
I could tell you were sending me to voicemail but it didn't stop me from repeatedly calling.
and calling
and calling
I paced up and down the hall until I heard someone coming so I headed for my room, but that still left me face to face with one of my friends until I got there. She knew something was wrong but I kept walking.  With the slam of my giant blue door, there also came my break down as I slid down the door and fell onto the cold tile. The room was filled with darkness just like I felt the darkness taking over me. I kept calling.
and calling
and calling
I left messages, texts, everything. I had no idea what to do, I didn't even know where you were. It scared me out of my life and the fact that I know you would have done it if you gave yourself a reason to. I needed to get out so I ran from the dorms, found a spot in the woods, and called again.
and again
and again
I could tell your ring back was getting longer and longer, it scared me. Maybe you were drifting away slowly. I wanted to be there. To hold you. To help you. To tell you everything was okay.
I wasn't there for you.
It took me almost losing you to remember that I needed you so much. I NEVER meant to leave you out like I did. I NEVER meant for you to feel alone. I NEVER meant for you to feel like this.
I almost lost you that day. I almost lost myself.

I've destroyed my mind.
I hear people constantly saying "you only live once" and it scares me now that I'm living it, with this.
My one shot. One life. This.
I didn't mean for this to happen but years of constant abuse took it away from me. I messed up.
I can't get too mad, I was only a kid. But it's hard for me to not loose it every time I forget the littlest things. It's just like they were gone from my memory. I can laugh it off each and every time. But the truth is, it scares me.
Another day lost because I have no sense of time. Another odd question because I've forgotten where we're going. Another lap around the parking lot because I have no clue where I parked. Another opened beer because I had forgotten I just opened one. Another spilled glass of water because I had forgotten there was a glass there. But it's no use crying over spilled water. 
Never let bad tendencies take over just because you need relief from the world. In the end it might just take over.
I feel ruined.
It's my fault.

I keep telling myself.

I keep telling myself
It will get better

I keep telling myself
This is normal

Not just me
But a part of everyone

We all have times like this

I keep telling myself
It's just a dream
But

Is it just a dream even
When it effects my reality?

I'm afraid to sleep
Afraid to sleep sober

Sometimes it feels like it will never be the same.
I miss dreaming about sunshine
and playtime
About starry nights and
flying kites

What happened to that mind
That serenity

How does this stop?
Does it ever

What I need is patients.
When it comes to this I can't say sorry enough because I know it's hard to see from the sidelines but I can only focus on whats real.
This pain I feel. It's the only thing that seems real anymore.
Why can't I make it go away.
But each time it just seems like it's getting harder, digging deeper, taking more out of me every single day.
I wish to be normal.
I wish to be taken far away from these feelings.
But they never leave.
They never let me sleep.
Never let me live.
But they never seem to fail to embarrass me. Leave me whimpering like a child.
It's not fair.
It's not like it's easy to talk about this. These feelings left better off undescribed.

How am I supposed to believe anything you've said? I really have to stop doing this to myself. I do. I can't handle this. Be happy without me because I can't stand losing you again. I can't.
I can't.
Be happy
without me

My Story

We all have a story.

We all carry burdens.

We've all made mistakes.

We all have flaws.

But we were never meant to be perfect.

I tell myself this everyday but some days I still find me blaming myself for things I could never change to begin with.  I can't help it when it feels like depression has me at the throat and whatever I try to do just makes it worse. It's hard living a life that I created just to destroy and bring it back to life. I hit more bad days than good but you would never realize it from the outside. I feel like this has been happening so long that the routine is established permanently and I pull it off well. Wake up,  get out of bed, throw on a smile, laugh, and call it good. But there are days where I'm trapped by nothing more than my mind so I lay in bed curled up into a ball with fists clenched so tight they turn to bombs aimed at my body. I lay there legs held tight to my chest, body still, and refuse to move until I know my breath will reach another day. To afraid to move. To afraid of myself. This has been a war going on since I can ever remember but each time I get pushed a little further, pushed to exhaustion, pushed right back down when I've been trying so hard to just get my face out of the dirt let alone standing up.  But one day I will be up.

My story is never ending but to get to the end I must accept the beginning.

I accept that self harm has been my down fall but it's been my safety. I've been blessed with a second chance because i can finally see scars fading. Maybe one day they'll be gone. I guess I can only hope but I've gone far past destroying my body than just wearing longs sleeves to cover my mistakes. I know some scars go far beyond permanent when I wake up to 

I AM ALONE

I AM FORGOTTEN

Carved into the spot where it will remain forever, reminding me everyday that I felt this way.

Every inch of my body has taken the blown for self neglect.

I'm past this but it doesn't mean it's not hard anymore. If anything it's ten times harder because now I feel emotionless. I use to control my pain but now it's uncontrollable and it scares me.

It scares me.

Beyond this I'm turning my life around. But I'm almost to the point where I'm accepting that I can't do this on my own. I never wanted people to know about this but I feel like it helps writing about it. 

I'm writing this because I want anyone else who feels like this. Anyone who wakes up with a bulls eye on their wrist. I want them to know

You are NOT alone.

It's not easy but you have to remember it's not the end.

You have a chance every single day to chose how your story is going to end

and it's not here

not today

"You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy"