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I'm just sitting here thinking,

wondering where you are, if your still breathing.

I've had so many friendships come to an end,

i dont think i can ever trust again.

So many feelings of hatred and hope,

getting back on track is a slippery slope.

Once your off your in for a ride,

you never see it coming until you collide.

Collide head on with what you know is wrong,

just close your eyes and hope it wont last long.

Beaten and Bruised, Battered and Whiplash,

thrown from the wreck how long will it last.

The final impact takes your breath away.

Learn from the mistakes you make each day.

Take my hand and i'll help you through,

Because i need help getting through this too.

Inspirational Toms

So for my birthday my mom bought me a pair of white Toms because she wanted me to paint them. But that gave me the great idea to keep painting them. Every week I will add something that has inspired me. Hopefully my inspirational Toms will give you some inspiration too! To start them off I did a tree. My inspiration was me and a couple of other people taking pictures for One Day Without Shoes and we all were trying to climbs trees. Some successfully some not, but it was all good fun.

Missing

So there's this boy who used to sleep on my couch every night and get me into trouble. If I had to find someone who was exactly like me it would be you Shane. I've only known you for about 2 years but I feel like I've found the best friend I've always wanted. I enjoy every single second we spend together. You make me laugh until my sides hurt, sing until my voice is gone and smile until my face is numb. We have so many great memories to look back on and many more to look forward too. Your not up here at Northern right now and I miss you like CRAZY. Just talking about how much fun we had freshman year and carrying it on into this year makes me miss you more. Today we talked about that night me and you were on the floor singing for hours while Jen sat there and laughed. Such a great 20th birthday. I feel like I've known you forever. You know more about me than I even do. Thank you for being such an amazing friend. I Luh You!

Guilt

It's been 157 days since Aaron Kahila took his last breath.
You are constantly on my mind. As long as it's been this still doesn't feel real. Sometimes I still shake. I remember the last time I was with you. We were at Ashley's the day after camp ended. We all were. I had to wake up early and leave so I went around saying my goodbyes. You were passed out with Maria at the top of the stairs. I remember because I was tripping over you guys all night. Then in the morning we said goodbye, hugged and that was it.
I was so excited when you told me you were thinking about going to Northern. I should have bugged you about it more. Maybe if you came up here for school you would still be here. I know you would have loved it up here, it's amazing.
I remember discovering an old voicemail on my phone when you guys all called me and passed the phone around. It made me cry when I got it the first time, out of joy of course, finding it now broke me down. I just sat there replaying it and replaying it. You brought so much joy in my life Paaron. Yes I still call you Paaron. Did you ever notice the only people who got stuck with the "P" phase were me, you, Paubrie and Parah. Hah. I still remember the way you used to say my name. I'll never forget it. I would yell Paaron! and you would yell Pangie! I miss you so much Aaron. So unbelievably much.
I remember that one night on the dock.  I'll never forget it. It was just you, Sarah and I. The full conversation has slipped my memory but I remember saying "It's all in the life of a sever depressive, ain't it great." (referring to myself) I said the last part very sarcastically. But I remember your response clear as day. "No, it sucks." The way you said it still makes my heart drop. It was nice to know we had something in common. But I should have taken it more seriously. I should have noticed. I should have helped. But it is forever too late. We should have sat down, we probably have a lot more feelings like that in common than we thought. I should have helped.
Though we only knew each other for two years I feel like I've learned so much from you. Your ability to love is greater than anyone I know. You truly wear your heart on your sleeve. I hope to someday find someone who knows how to love like you, straight from the heart. I'm a better person from having met you. You've changed my life in more ways than you know are possible. I'm glad to have such an amazing guardian angel. I love you Aaron. Always and Forever.

Make Or Break

It's days like today where all progress made towards a better life can fail. Where you feel like you've built a pretty good set of stairs, then once you take your first step you find out you've made them out of sand. Nothing lay beneath you but a pile of your shattered hopes and dreams. It's days like today that you know when the real you is over come by a depressive demon that feeds on your inner core. I was happy yesterday, why today?
Sitting in class today I could notice the change. I felt hopeless even though my friends offer me nothing but hope. I felt alone even though I have friends that would do anything for me. I felt forgotten even though I've been told about the impact I've been making. Why does this happen to me? I just want to be alright. I want to feel "normal" (even though I hate that word).  Low self esteem waits for these moments to flourish. Nothing better to add to this day than ripping myself to shreds. Normally at that point I would cut myself. These are the low days. These are my weakness. They used to be everyday until I decided to Make or Break.
It sucks having depression. I know I have it. I just will never admit it to a doctor. Or even worse my mother. Deep inside I know she knows, but I hate showing weakness to her. I want her to know she raised the perfect daughter. Even though I stand far from it. I don't want to risk getting on some sketch anti-depressant that gives me even more suicidal thoughts. I don't want to risk my life, not any more. In September of 2010 I decided to quit cutting. It's not the first time I tried but so far it's been successful. Soon after that I quit smoking. Good things just kept happening. So I decided that when I hit a day like this. When I feel Hopeless, Alone, Forgotten, I can choose to make myself, or break myself. I know I'm already broken beyond recognition but I've been spending everyday piecing back together the life I know I can have. The life where I'm happy. Where I can truly love myself for being me. I choose to make myself. 

Hidden Truths

During Self-Acceptance Week I used a massive amount of time to make a video on self-identity and acceptance. It featured many students and showed a collage of people saying what they accept about themselves and things they're working on. Then there was a white board part in the movie where people could write something like "I am beautiful, smart" ect. That whole week I tried to come up with something to say in the movie. Something of why I accept myself or why I work so hard to try to make people feel like they're accepted. I drew a blank. Now the time has come and passed for the video but the questions in my head have not. I know why it's so hard for me to talk about acceptance. Growing up I was that odd fat kid that everyone picked on. I sat at the back of the class room and barley spoke. It's been years and I'm still trying to shake that image. I want people to think I've accepted myself but when it comes down to it. I haven't. I didn't want to speak about it because I know it's a lie. Why talk about something I know nothing about in my sense. So why do I try so hard to accept people? I wasn't accepted most of my life why should I offer it?
Because I know how it feels to be left out.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to not be accepted by my peers.
I know how it feels to not be accepted by myself.
This is why I offer help. Feelings that still rip me to shreds today motivate me to help others with their burdens tomorrow. There is still a chance for you, even if it takes all that I have in me I will show you this. If there is weight I can take off your shoulders I will gladly put it on mine because I don't see my load getting smaller anytime soon. You. Are. Enough. I just wish I could see that.

The Change

So I'm sitting at Relay for Life resting from the many laps I've done. It really takes something like this to get me thinking. So many people coming together for a cause. It's uplifting.
I always end up asking myself why I ended up the way I am today. A big part of me changed when I was young. At the age of seven they found i had melanoma. Nothing hurt more than being a playful young kid enjoying my childhood, then being forced to grow up and fight the battle raging within me. I blame cancer for taking my childhood. My innocence.
Feeling hopeless at the age of seven. Wondering If this is what I'm to look forward to for the rest of my life. Sickness. Hospitals. Pain. Medication. A lot of what happened to me when I was younger is a blur, I've tried so hard to block it out. After most of the hospital visits were over I felt like I was on a different level than everyone. This is what set me apart. This is why I am who I am today. Sure It set me apart early but it lead me to being more than I could have ever imagined. I don't want any sympathy, there are endless amounts of people still fighting today from the unfortunate fate of cancer. I stand here today a 11 year survivor free of my troubles. There were rough patches. But I am strong because I have been weak.